I'm in my late 20s now and I feel so much despair.
I think a huge factor that shaped my world is my breakup almost 3 years ago. I had dated several people, actually more than several, before then.
I feel like people think I am delusional when I say this, but he was genuinely the nicest person I've ever met in my life. I don't understand how it's possible for someone to have actually cared about me to the extent he did. At times I felt like he actually cared about me more than my own mom did. It wasn't just that, he was intelligent and hilarious too and we had a lot in common.
Unfortunately I wasn't good enough for him and he didn't want to continue the relationship. This basically fundamentally broke me.
I had my share of heartbreaks before, but even when I met him, I was basically at my breaking point with love. I remember telling myself this was my last try (because I was so done). To this day I literally have no idea how I could have so much in common with someone. It's like we completely agreed on almost every aspect in life. Did he just lie to me or agree with everything I said or something?
Apparently he has also had random acquaintances tell him he's a breath of fresh air and so nice to be around compared to most people, so it's not just me.
I really don't know what to do other than cry about losing him. I've tried so hard to find happiness for myself but how could I let something like that go?
My life hasn't gotten any better since then and I honestly think I am hopeless. Genuinely.
Literally everyone pales in comparison to what I had with him. Even though what I had clearly wasn't real, because ultimately he clearly didn't feel the same about me since he chose to leave. It felt real to me, talking to him is the most enjoyable thing I had experienced in my life.
This all sounds extremely sad and pathetic but really what am I supposed to do? I bet most people haven't even come close to meeting someone like him so they can't relate to this at all. I am going to sound insane again but I think he is some prodigy or something. Like one of those one in a million once in a lifetime people that most won't even get the chance to meet.
My little sister recently went through a similar breakup. The wound is still very fresh in her case. I will tell her this information in time, but she is in the processing phase right now. So if you'll indulge me, here is a little advice from a big sister on break-ups with 'the perfect guy'.
Often, guys like this are chameleons. I have seen a few people like this in my life. Wonderful, charismatic people who make the person they are talking to at the time feel like they are standing in the glow of sunshine. They aren't being manipulative or intentionally trying to love bomb the person. It is just in their nature to be agreeable and find meaningful connections with people.
You mentioned other acquaintances feeling like he was a wonderful guy. It is completely possible that he is a great, intelligent, funny guy with whom you had a great connection. And yet, he did not feel as deeply as you because he connects so easily with most people he interacts with.
In your own words, he "cared about me more than my own mom" and yet "wasn't good enough for him and he didn't want to continue the relationship." It seems there is a disconnect between how deeply you felt he loved you, and how much you loved him. This is where a lot of the pain and sadness comes from in the breakup. When that glow of sunshine you were basking in is gone, the shadow feels especially cold.
I do not know anything about your relationship aside from what you have described. However, I fear you have fallen into a mentality of thinking no one else could ever compare to him. I have seen people dating 'the perfect guy' (Top of his class Harvard, D1/pro athlete, sexy charismatic surgeon...prodigy in the eyes of many) and yet, he wasn't the right person for their relationship. People who are accustomed to being the best at everything make really good chameleons. They want to be the best at friendships and relationships, too.
I do not want to tarnish your relationship, or discredit the pain that it brought you. I want to highlight the fact that there are other men out there that are absolutely a better, more unique fit for a loving relationship with you. A lot of the successful relationships I have seen are between people whose glow shines more exclusively on their romantic partner. Often times friends and acquaintances will say things like "I don't get it." Rather than him being so obviously great to everyone, he will be more specifically great for you.
All that being said, what to do next? Focus on you. Fall in love with yourself for the time being. Do what makes you happy, and the right person will be pulled into your orbit because you know yourself and what brings you joy. Your late 20's are just the beginning of the adventure.
It's weird cause he said he's done more for me than he has for anyone in his family or in his life.. but still, he has commitment issues and a whole host of other issues too so it doesn't matter does it
Well, now he just sounds like a turd. It isn't normal to quantify acts of love and use them as a metric of comparison. You do them because you care about the person. It sounds like he needs to figure himself out before he can have a functioning relationship, and it makes sense that he has commitment issues.
I mean, he did occasionally say turd-like things but everyone has flaws. He also said he wishes I was prettier so he wouldn't have doubts about marrying me lol.
He meant it in the context of telling me I treated him worse than his friends do, and he said that after we got into an argument once. His friends are more like acquaintances and he has never had to live with them.
Honestly I wish I could remember wtf actually happened (apart him constantly trying to leave when there was an issue instead of trying to solve it). That was a common pattern. Like if I would ever communicate to him anything that "bugged" me, he would just be like "do you want me to leave I feel like I'm just making you unhappy" and I would be like "no I do not want you to leave are you insane" but then he would keep mentioning leaving or booking a flight back and eventually I was just like.. I think bro just wants to leave
We had to cohabitate temporarily, somewhat soon after first meeting in person, and I think the learning curve of me being his first gf plus that was just too much for him to handle
Either way it became exhausting after a while being the only person who wanted to make the relationship work
You just listed a bunch of red flags ahaha girl who the fuck says “i wish you were prettier”? Not even in a heated argument… never
He was just being honest and he didn't say it to hurt me he just told me how he was feeling
You know better for sure. I personally don’t know if I would have said it even if it was true.
I mean me neither but like that doesn't make him a bad person or anything
Alright, you dodged a bullet. Better to be single than with a man like that.
What do you mean "a man like that"? I'm sure most men think it, he's the only one that was honest about it
No decent human thinks like that. And certainly a good person wouldn't say it, even in the heat of an argument to hurt you.
You can say most men think it, but frankly, most men aren't worth dating if they have an attitude like this. I think this guy has warped your perspective. You are worth way more than whatever he was providing in this relationship. It is becoming increasingly clear from your responses that he falls incredibly short of 'perfect guy' or 'prodigy' territory.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic when I say this, but I don't think it's his fault that he is shallow. He probably couldn't help the fact that he wasn't as attracted to me as he would have liked to be. I don't necessarily think that makes him a bad person, though I kind of agree he maybe shouldn't have dated me or led me on to the point that he did, if he knew from the start I was not what he was looking for.
I think he was just excited to finally have a gf, and to have met a girl he had a bunch in common with that he liked talking to. I think he definitely liked the validation and attention from it too.
I think maybe im being easy on his wrongdoings because of the nice things he did for me too. And they weren't super small things either. I don't know, but all I can say is I've met a lot of guys and I never felt like anyone understood me or even remotely cared about me like he did. Maybe I'm just unlikeable trash, because at this point that's my only explanation. Its not like I've rejected a bunch of good guys or anything.
Maybe his honesty was a way to absolve himself of the guilt he felt by leading me on, I'm not sure. But I feel like if either way he is going to date me, it's better to be honest about how he feels at least a little.
Honestly, that didn't offend me because I know I'm not that pretty, and he did warn me that he is generally shallow appearance-wise. So like nothing he said was wrong. And I do get why he would want someone prettier to be with "forever". It did make me a bit sad though that I couldn't be what he wanted.
All of what you said is spot on about a particular type of person who isn't malicious but does seem to forge a lot of shallow relationships and not really focusing on one, but I don't get the chameleon thing. Is it because they easily adapt to whatever setting they are in by changing how they act?
Yes, they tend to adjust their personality to suit the person they are talking to. Adapting to match someone enthusiasm for a subject, and just generally blending really well with whoever they are coomunicating with.
I find these people are often very easy to like. However, they don't know themselves well enough to be a great relationship partner because they spend too much time trying to be cohesive with the other person.
Sorry, I realize I got caught up in my own ramblings and didn't define the term.
Yeah.. interesting poem I came across