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Minimum dating standards
(lemmy.nz)
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this post was submitted on 25 Aug 2025
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Guy I know who is single: "You need to be literally perfect! Tons of money, super athletic, cultured, brilliant, speaking six different languages! It's impossible!"
Girl I know who is single: "Fuck me, I hope this next guy I'm seeing isn't married, can cover his side of the check, and remembered to wash his ass. Although, at this point, two out of three isn't bad."
Guy who is me who is single: I'd be fine if we could just get some third places that aren't focused on drinking where it is appropriate to ask women on a date.
Or if I started drinking more again I guess, but having quit for a while to cut back I don't want to get back to where I was, I'm doing good.
Additional third spaces definitely required.
Probably subsequent to a secondary location.
I believe second place is supposed to be where you work.
Perhaps so, but in my case I was referring to this John Mulaney sketch.
edit: As observed below, I messed up the link formatting. Fixed now.
You missed the closing parenthesis.
So I did. Corrected, thank you.
100% this. But also, you can make your own third space by inviting friends over and asking them to bring friends. I met most of my serious girlfriends at various house parties. Friends of friends are somewhat pre-vetted.
You have made one major assumption here which I feel cannot be overlooked.
Gotta make friends before dating. Having no friends is a big red flag.
I do get a bit tired of
"There are no third spaces! I can't meet anyone! Nobody will love me!"
"Have you tried leaving the house?"
"That's literally impossible."
Well to do that all my friends would have to un-OD on heroin lol, the opioid epidemic did a real number on my city. I never did it myself, but for me to invite them over I'd need a shovel or a Ouija Board, and idk who they'd bring but I'm not sure I wanna find out!
"Damn Steve, when did you become friends with Moloch and Baal? And why'd you bring Ea-Nasir?!"
My only living in town friend is moving in about a year, too. And if he had anyone he could set me up with I'd know lol, known him for 15yr.
Yeesh. Sounds like you need a new set of friends or a new town. I wonder how much of the loneliness is down to loads of people living in really sparse areas.
Yeah well y'know, I work, then I'm too tired to go out, can't afford bars anymore and if I could I'm still too old for that shit.
I do go out to some naturey places when the weather permits (of course it's been hotter than the sun until like this week), but it's not like a naturey meet up I just smoke weed and read a book next to the creek, and look at frogs and shit.
Furthermore, I don't know how these people who say "go to X or Y" even find out that X or Y is happening locally, and where/when. Newspapers? Those still around?
Local newspapers are still a thing, so are bulletin boards at city hall or whatever cultural center you have. (I've seen event listings at bars, libraries, near a fountain, wherever stuff gets hosted)
Word I'll look around, thanks. I assumed newspapers was a joke I was making haha, I thought those were dead for that kind of thing by now.
Try more meetups? There's always stuff for running, board games, coding, bike riding, bird watching. Just don't be a creeper who's cruising instead of doing the activity in good faith.
It's my understanding that women don't want to be asked out at such places, the common complaint being that they can't even enjoy their hobby without guys asking them out.
Finding romantic and sexual partners is really, really hard for people who are unable to find new friends generally.
It's a lot easier to meet women to date when you don't have much trouble talking to women and men you're not at all interested in dating.
The friend of friend angle remains one of the best filters for finding available partners who might actually be compatible with you. And that pool is a lot bigger when you can get along with people through hobbies and activities, who have already kinda vetted that you're a good person who is fun to be around.
I can talk to people just fine, when I find people to talk to. But ime most people are busy with their daily lives. Today I'm at work, I'm going to get in my car and drive to lunch, and stop into the grocery store otw home. Sure I can talk to the superficial work friends, but after that it's nobody (in person) all day. My only in town friend has night shift, so he's not chillin.
Could I go to the bar? Sure, but again I don't want to. Could I go to the lake? Hell, might, great day, but I'll be bringing a joint and a book and finding a quiet spot, none of the runners or bikers want to take out their headphones and chat.
"Friends" beyond the superficial level that is basically natural requires us to not be busy ass 30-somethings.
Generally speaking, for people who don't even have the time or energy to foster friendships and superficial relationships that are already in their life, it's gonna be hard to find, evaluate, and build potential romantic relationships.
That's what meetups and hobby-based activities are for. They're supposed to be fulfilling enough for the activity alone, with the added social benefit of new friends added on. If you'd be willing to do that for the possibility of meeting new romantic partners but not the possibility of meeting new friends, that's gonna be a pretty tough sell even to the potential romantic partners, that you're not really there to make friends.
Opposite, I could do that (assuming I could even find said groups, what, newspapers?) for friends but not romantic partners, beyond one of them introducing me to someone. I wouldn't date anyone in the group unless she asked me out because it's my understanding that women don't want to be asked out at the hobby they're "just trying to enjoy" as the complaint often goes. And women, IME, don't often ask people out. It happened to me once, I blew it because I didn't even know how to react lol. Tbf it was kinda on her, I said yes and she didn't follow up with anything. I should have just taken over but I kinda thought she was gonna be like "great friday at 8?" or something but instead I kinda laughed nervously and she just walked away lol.
The part everyone seems to be missing is: I don't need help conversing, I need to know the locations of like groups of nature loving book readers that actively want to chat and how to find their schedule.
It's a numbers game. Spend enough time with enough people and someone's going to like you. I'm a whale and I've had partners. I was only normal body weight when I met the first one, next few have been after I went over 100 KG and then around 135. Okay last one was a gold digger but the others were when I was poor (which I am again now lol)
Oh and I'm a sarcastic asshole too, so my personality itself is quite an acquired taste too. It does, however, help that I can keep a conversation going regardless of what the topic is or whether I know you.. Especially helps with people who take time to get out of their shells. It's funny because I'm actually an introvert but as long as you don't catch me in recovery mode, you could never tell.
The ADHD also helps though. One of the very few areas where it does.
I do think book clubs are still a thing tho. Maybe you need to move to a bigger town?
I've had plenty partners, but I met them in the bars I no longer wish to attend regularly due to price of the drinks and that I'm successfully drinking a normal amount and I don't need to be getting drunk every night again. So the question becomes where meet now? Doesn't help that I refuse to be scammed by the spyware dating apps.
We sound pretty damn similar (except I've always been poor haha). ADHD and all.
Book clubs is a maybe but I read on my own time, and only things I'm really interested in (ADHD lol). Still though, how find? Lemmy is my only social media.
No , but you can talk to them and make friends. Women like dudes who they can interact with and not have to worry about the dude trying to fuck them the instant they let their guard down. If you show up for the activity and focus on having fun and not just to try and get laid it makes you safer to be around. It has to be genuine though people can pick up on it if you have ulterior motives.
I'm not interested in dating but I have female friends who try to introduce me to women when we go out to bars and things like that because they know how I am and trust me not to be an asshole. By comparison there is another dude in our group who is constantly acting thirsty and going after any woman that shows him even the slightest attention. He does not get the same consideration and has been left out of a number of events because of his behavior. I do understand that that can be a difficult thing to shut down sometimes but learning to do it goes a long way.
Yes, that's what I meant but don't be a creeper that's cruising for dates. You can still make friends, and over a longer period of time ask if there's interest. I don't have an objective set of rules for this path- almost all of my dates were via dating apps, where interest in dating can be assumed.
I'm not Czech, I can cover the sides of my ass, and I remember I'm married.
How did I do?
It's a high bar to clear.
Do they know each other?
Guys forget that what's inside their head is far more important