this post was submitted on 23 Jun 2026
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I've always found this tricky ground to walk on.
You see a girl you're attracted to and you're single. You try some way to shoot your shot, get noticed, whatever, and try to make some sort of connection and it generally goes one of three ways.
Regardless of which of the above is your scenario, if a girl immediately says, "I have a boyfriend," with no other response, then unfortunately you've fallen into that third category.
Surprisingly, I've fallen into that second category a few times when I thought she wasn't interested and then in speaking to them later, I was asked why didn't I try harder.
I've also fallen into that third category a bunch.
The original post is a valid point, but I think it's lacking context. Relationships and dating is messy.
Relationships and dating are messy, but i have a question for you:
Is it more important for you to signal that you are attracted to this woman you've never interacted with, or is it more important to just strike up a standard conversation and treat her like any stranger you meet?
In my experience as a woman, men often don't realize that they are very clearly signaling their sexual attraction/view of this woman as a romantic prospect, which doesn't seem like much of an issue except for the fact that you've never actually spoken to this woman.
Ergo, the woman is fully aware you are attracted to her and view her as a prospect purely because of how she looks -- this is objectification as you have no idea whether you are compatible.
You are far likely to get a positive response if you treat her like literally any other person and not a prospect. We don't like being objectified by strangers, but we don't mind making new friends. Save the romance for after the first conversation at the very least.
This is not me telling you youre doing anything wrong, but im pointing out something a lot of men do not even realize they are doing when they approach a woman. We can usually see men's intentions, they are not good at hiding them. Change your intentions from "i wanna date this woman" to "id like to see if this person is down for a conversation".
I’m a similar way. I think what you put out is what you attract, generally.
So if you’re being flirty and super forward with a stranger, the ones that bite probably aren’t thinking too far beyond looks and vibes either. Higher chance of it becoming a casual or short-term engagement.
Define "flirty" here. I've seen conventionally attractive women described as "flirty" for being just, you know, generally friendly. And yet women who are not conventionally attractive doing the same thing aren't called "flirty".
It's kind of a landmine that one is. If I smile, am I flirting? If I laugh at a joke, am I flirting? If I show off a new outfit spinning in place, am I flirting?
Then there's "super forward". I'm a social builder. In any social group I look for the people being left out and try to ensure they have an invite into joining things. (If they really don't want to I back off, natch.) So if I approach you at a party where you're just looking around like you have no idea what you're doing, introduce myself, start asking questions ... is that me being "super forward" or me quickly assessing where you'd fit in best so you don't feel isolated and alone in the group?
It's probably not a good idea to call someone "flirty" and "super forward" without reading very carefully why you think either is the case. Wait for the bodily contact, the smoking look-overs, the slow lick of the lips or such first.
As an introvert who likes being around people, I just want to say thank you for doing this type of thing. I enjoy hanging out with people but breaking the ice and talking can be hard.
Thing is, I'm an introvert. I know how hard it is to be on the outside looking in, desperately wanting to be involved but not knowing how.
It took literally DECADES of hard effort for me to force myself through that barrier. I want to make that barrier a lot lower for others so they don't have to be like I was.
It’s super appreciated. I did that in my 20s, broke myself out of my shell and started going out doing stuff with random folks. But I stopped that after I was out of commission for a year (fuck drunk drivers), then Covid hit and I am now 40 trying to break out of my shell again lol
I do 1000% agree with this.
So in general im not saying it never works to approach somebody telling them they're hot, but you really cannot fault a woman for not liking it because there are tons of valid reasons not to. Mostly I'm annoyed at guys who only do this and hate women for responding in a way they do not like, or claim women do not like them when they've literally never tried anything else and refuse to listen to women when they tell them how they want to be approached.
But fuck ya if you're a slutty man at a party and wanna put out flirty slut vibes to find a slutty woman, I'm sure you'll find one (hell, you'll likely get approached!). As long as everyone's being honest, yknow.