this post was submitted on 23 Jun 2026

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Nothing makes them back off faster IME... (lemmy.nz)

submitted 1 month ago by LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone to c/womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone

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[–] eddanja@lemmy.world 53 points 1 month ago (7 children)

I've always found this tricky ground to walk on.

You see a girl you're attracted to and you're single. You try some way to shoot your shot, get noticed, whatever, and try to make some sort of connection and it generally goes one of three ways.

She's interested and it works.
She's intrigued but act like she's not.
She's not interested.

Regardless of which of the above is your scenario, if a girl immediately says, "I have a boyfriend," with no other response, then unfortunately you've fallen into that third category.

Surprisingly, I've fallen into that second category a few times when I thought she wasn't interested and then in speaking to them later, I was asked why didn't I try harder.

I've also fallen into that third category a bunch.

The original post is a valid point, but I think it's lacking context. Relationships and dating is messy.

[–] Banana@sh.itjust.works 57 points 1 month ago (44 children)

Relationships and dating are messy, but i have a question for you:

Is it more important for you to signal that you are attracted to this woman you've never interacted with, or is it more important to just strike up a standard conversation and treat her like any stranger you meet?

In my experience as a woman, men often don't realize that they are very clearly signaling their sexual attraction/view of this woman as a romantic prospect, which doesn't seem like much of an issue except for the fact that you've never actually spoken to this woman.

Ergo, the woman is fully aware you are attracted to her and view her as a prospect purely because of how she looks -- this is objectification as you have no idea whether you are compatible.

You are far likely to get a positive response if you treat her like literally any other person and not a prospect. We don't like being objectified by strangers, but we don't mind making new friends. Save the romance for after the first conversation at the very least.

This is not me telling you youre doing anything wrong, but im pointing out something a lot of men do not even realize they are doing when they approach a woman. We can usually see men's intentions, they are not good at hiding them. Change your intentions from "i wanna date this woman" to "id like to see if this person is down for a conversation".

[–] qarbone@lemmy.world 32 points 1 month ago (2 children)

This comment sat weirdly with me for a minute. I am not saying you are incorrect. I just think there is some conceptual friction.

I think the issue is inserting "dating" in the path of "sexual attraction," and not just with your comment. Dating and sex are tied together in a way that rubs me the wrong way because it gatekeeps "sex" behind "relationship" in a way that isn't equally distributed, culturally. It doesn't freely offer the "one-night stand" to all genders. And I don't think you can cleanly say "all men are happy with one-night stands, and all women are against one-night stands."

You don't need to know what someone's favorite movie is to think they're hot. And you don't need to know whether they have any siblings to have sex with them. However, there does seem to be some expectation that men won't provide the necessary intimacy for good sex unless they're committed in a relationship. And it also assumes women are already primed and ready throw everything, emotionally, into a relationship at the drop of the pants.

The only things you need to have (good) sex with someone is: physical compatibility, so the bits interact in ways that feels good for all participants; and social compatibility, insofar as being able to smoothly communicate. All participants need to be able to view the other people as active contributors, to ask and accede to their boundaries and desires while also properly expressing their own.

I think the assumption/fear of "objectification" is valid. I'm aware you are a woman sharing a woman's perspective of "courtship," and I don't want to appear to or actually dismiss you out of hand. But I wonder how much of the reticence toward sexual openness is some residual patriarchal fear of being seen as "libertine."

This is a TL;DR that just came to me: "viewing someone as sexual is only objectification if the assumption is the person is being used for sex instead of having sex with them."

[–] Banana@sh.itjust.works 29 points 1 month ago (10 children)

You make some really good points that are really good in conjunction with, but don't fully dispute my point.

I like that you point out that sexual attraction and a dating connection are different though not mutually exclusive. I also like that you brought up female sexual liberation and the assumption that most women don't want one night stands (they very often do!).

I guess I'll clarify my initial point. I think a lot of men grow up thinking women are very different from them, so they add all this extra pressure on themselves specifically on interactions with women, and women can generally tell. I guess what I'm truly trying to say here is that putting women you've never met on a pedestal (eg. She's so pretty, I have to tell her how beautiful I think she looks or use the perfect pickup line so this beautiful woman will go on a date with me) is just another form of objectification.

To give personal anecdotal context just so you can fully grasp the feeling im frustrated with: I'm weird. I'm fairly attractive and I do get approached, but i am fucking weird. I do not want a man who does not know me to approach me telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, expecting to get my number, because I know damn well that there's a high chance that if I give it to him, he will quickly realize how fucking weird I am and ghost me.

I don't mind if somebody says "hey I really like your band shirt/your shoes/your hat, etc." -- or my jacket with my patches on (always a great convo starter) -- always love when somebody likes a band i also like! But this means its an open conversation with no assumptions being made.

Basically, have a full conversation with me before you ask for my number, then we can see where this could go. I intentionally show my weird very quickly in conversation so people know what they are getting into.

So yeah, I don't think you're wrong, but I do think potential dating/sex/friendships can be approached all the same, unassuming way. People are people, and I don't wanna give my number to somebody I've never spoken to because he thinks I'm pretty. Please give me a better reason to continue interacting basically.

[–] qarbone@lemmy.world 15 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Basically, have a full conversation with me before you ask for my number, then we can see where this could go.

This, I fully agree with. I wasn't seeing the situation where someone sees you and says "give me your phone number" because that seems insane to me. Yeah, some positive conversation should happen before people go around demanding semi-permanent means of contact. Beyond niceties, that's just unsafe with the unfortunate likelihood of some psycho digging into your socials.

[–] Banana@sh.itjust.works 15 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Right?! It is absolutely insane, but so many guys will do that. There are so many things guys do that other guys don't believe because they're fuckin insane things to do lol

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[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 18 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Ergo, the woman is fully aware you are attracted to her and view her as a prospect purely because of how she looks – this is objectification as you have no idea whether you are compatible.

This. THIS RIGHT FUCKING HERE.

All my fucking life I've had people come on to me because "I'm their sexual fetish" (read: Asian). Many of them have actually come out and said that in those words thinking, somehow, that this was going to be flattering to me, not something that would instantly put my hand near one of my knives just in case.

Interact with people socially. Find shared interests. Do things together without the whole sex thing hanging between you. And you know what? If you come across right, you'll get laid. Even if you're not conventionally attractive.

If you come across as only being interested in me for my shape, my ethnicity, and where you can place which appendages in which receptacles, however, I don't give a flying fuck how hot you look or not. You're not getting anywhere near me. (I mean unless I'm cruising a pick-up joint, in which case being there is the signal that I'm available, duh.)

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[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 26 points 1 month ago (16 children)

She's intrigued but act like she's not.

In which case I'm immediately not interested anymore

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[–] Wren@lemmy.today 46 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I just tell them I lost my vagina in the war.

[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 17 points 1 month ago

Haaaaaahahahaha this one wins

[–] chloektboehnchen@lemmy.blahaj.zone 42 points 1 month ago (6 children)

What makes it even worse ist that "I have a girlfriend" never seems to have the same effect

[–] YoureHotCupCake@lemmy.world 18 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Yup, if anything I think men try more when they hit on sapphic women. They're always so confident they can make us straight if we just gave them a chance.

[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 21 points 1 month ago (1 children)

“Lesbians are only lesbians until they get dicked down properly” is one of my most hated anti-LGBT+ beliefs of all time.

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[–] Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world 29 points 1 month ago

I wish it worked like that. The amount of times I’ve stated having a boyfriend just to be told, “He’s not here, so what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” is disheartening.

[–] Grabthar@lemmy.world 25 points 1 month ago (1 children)

"oH? wEll wHeRe Is hE?" has entered the chat.

Seriously don't know where men think they are going with this shit. Like they are entitled to a reasonable-in-their-eyes explanation as to why you won't immediately fall all over them. Just so gross.

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[–] Beehaw_Girl@beehaw.org 21 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Well I suppose that's one way to look at it, but really what's happening is that they respect the fact that you're not single nor available, so they RESPECTFULLY back off.

[–] dafta@lemmy.blahaj.zone 31 points 1 month ago (10 children)

If that was the case, "I have a girlfriend" should also work the same, but from my experience it never does.

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[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 18 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Is that why I have had to lie? Its not repectfully backing off. Its boundry pushing- to a point until youre telling them you have a man in your life even if you dont. It's not that they respect you for being taken so they back off, its fear your man gonna come out swinging at them.

The ones who don't fear this, will keep going at it even if you tell them you have a man.

A man who respects, takes the first.. at most the second "no thank you" and leaves it.

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[–] DearMoogle@piefed.social 20 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

It’s a bit tough for me when a guy approaches out of the blue and I’m unavailable for whatever reason. Like, let’s say purposefully taking the adjacent seat and starts chatting. And you know where this is headed and you’re thinking “oh crap… How do I handle this so as to not waste his time but also not be rude and assuming.” So then I’ll often end up with a tedious but friendly conversation I don’t necessarily want, bc his intentions aren’t explicitly clear, so therefore I can’t explicitly decline. 😅

But yes, “I have a boyfriend” ends it fairly quick lol. It’s nice to just be able to say that when that’s the case.

Some guys are clever and ask something like “are you here with anyone?” To which you can say, yeah my boyfriend. I always appreciate that!! Because it saves everyone’s time and for me, the stress of figuring out how to best handle the conversation. 😆

[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 20 points 1 month ago (5 children)

And you know where this is headed and you’re thinking “oh crap… How do I handle this so as to not waste his time but also not be rude and assuming.”

I hate this part - having to sit through their introduction and attempt at flirting with me before I've said more than "Hi".

But yes, “I have a boyfriend” ends it fairly quick lol. It’s nice to just be able to say that when that’s the case.

Recently had a man in his mid-60s attempt to pick me up while I was watching my kid in their swim lesson. Luckily telling stories about my husband was enough to get him to fuck off. It's not always enough though.

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[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 19 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I tried "I have a girlfriend and also you're 9 years older than me" and he was still annoying... :(

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[–] tanisnikana@lemmy.world 15 points 1 month ago

The trick is to be at least forty and trans. All the cis guys have their eyes laser-locked in front of them, never wavering.

Still working on the open glares from middle-aged cis women, but I’m still largely invisible.

[–] TheparishofChigwell@sh.itjust.works 15 points 1 month ago (3 children)

What a weird take. How is he disrespecting her if she just says I'm not interested it would work the exact same

Women should chill out a bit I think.

[–] Waldelfe@feddit.org 36 points 1 month ago (24 children)

The point is that it doesn't work the exact same if you just say, you're not interested. Countless women, myself included, have made this experience. "Not interested" is met with "why not?", " come oooon" "am I that ugly?" and "just give me a chance". You can either spend 15 minutes saying " no" in varying degrees of politeness or 2 seconds saying "I have a boyfriend".

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 24 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (13 children)

The meme literally talks about when men harass women. But women need to chill out?

Please read the rules for this community.

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[–] kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world 13 points 1 month ago

The phantom boyfriend might kick his ass. It's not respect, it is probably fear. Also they're seeking the path of least resistance. A lot easier to interview for a job opening than to try to interview for a job already filled. You do certainly see over-confident/desperate men try that tactic, but most predators are looking for an easy meal, not a competitor.

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