this post was submitted on 23 Jun 2026
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I'll also add that context matters too. How you hit on someone at a music festival is vitally different from how you hit on them at a community potluck. I've had success flirting with a woman I hadn't met before by complimenting how her boobs looked in the corset she was wearing, but had I not been in an event where sexual forwardness, including between women, is normal. To make a comment like that basically anywhere else would be mortifying.
Generally try to err on the side of respectful, but learning what are normal and acceptable styles of flirtation and general interaction in a space is part of hitting on people in that space.
You make a super good point and I don't know why I didn't think of that in my initial comment!
Context in setting is soooo important. When I was typing out my intial comment I totally just had a vision in my head of being out in the general public, at a bar, grocery store, bus stop, mall, etc. I didn't even think about music festivals!
That being said, there seems to be a pretty good general consensus about, well, consent and the understanding thereof, at least at the festivals I attend regularly.
But no you are totally correct in that there is a time and place for that kind of assumed rapport (if that wording makes sense) based on the specific community's unwritten social rules. I've even directly experienced this so I don't know how I glossed over it, so thank you for making that point!
You had a great comment though! I'd been thinking about setting throughout the thread and you just had the comment that was sufficiently thorough for me to feel my comment was the proper response.
And I think everyone in the thread was thinking of this sort of thing happening in the general public or the sort of space where normal social rules apply because that's most places and where most people do most of their hitting on people and getting hit on. I personally don't really flirt in such spaces being a polyamorous lesbian.
But also the more I think about it the more I think that some alternative rules spaces are somewhat common at least to have experienced. The big parties that college age people tend to enjoy, certain bars and clubs, festivals… Each of these places have their own rules, and as you say some are increasingly emphasizing consent (good), but often the move isn't to getting to know each other first, but to "flirt a bit and ask before you start touching." And in such spaces my biggest advice for people is to watch the mouth and eyes to see if they're checking you out and if they're enjoying your chatting them up.
My story took place at a bar night for the leather community, which is probably only second to swingers events in expected forwardness, and it's the sort of place most people won't even want to go. But it's a great example of how much the rules can differ.