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I know people who don't pay and do ok on the apps. I don't know if it's your area or your profile, but maybe try to get some feedback from women irl or online if you haven't already. I know a lot of millennial women got off the apps a bit back, so that might also be a factor.
For what it's worth, I've generally only seen this sentiment from people who don't know how to behave around women. Maybe you're an exception, but most normal guys I know don't have an issue with that. They may be nervous to approach, but never out of fear of being lambasted online. If this is a real concern for you, I'd suggest reading some of these posts and just not behaving in the way they have an issue with.
Honestly, that can happen to anybody. I am not even interested in women and I don't date at work. Still got posted on AWDTS, with pictures of me taken without my knowledge, at work, and posted as "An aloof asshole, who I was told in confidence has a small, ugly dick anyway".
Im gay and was happily married to a guy at the time, of course I can look aloof, I'm both gay and autistic, and that did a number on my self confidence, along with the replies that message got. My best friend's sister found the post, found it funny and shared captures with me, without knowing how much that was going to fuck with my head.
my friends group was mostly girls in my 20s until I got into my last relationship. so I'm definitely not one of those guys. I'm also the son of a single mom special ed teacher and I had a sister (who unfortunately died of an overdose). women's issues are ingrained in the fabric of my childhood. if I can get girls to talk to me I get a relationship or a friendship. I've never had anyone cast me out of their life so I know I'm someone people want to be around.
the no girls my age thing is real. I don't want kids so that cuts out most girls my age that do show up. I live like 30min from a major metropolitan area but it's in the south so it's a lot of religious conservatives. we don't mesh. the girls I see that would be a fit never respond. I know I'm attractive because I had a Myspace fanclub. that's how I found out my ex was in to me. I'm no Henry Cavill but I don't hurt to look at.
all the girls that were in my life are married or I lost contact. I'm not messaging a married woman out of the blue to review my dating profile. my family also has a problem with only being positive so there will be absolutely no constructive criticism from them no matter how hard they try. it's like a disease in my family. the internet has also done a number on me. my ex-cheated on me with a married man who had a pregnant wife back in 2017, I found out in 2021. having someone do that then going on the internet and seeing all the hate towards men really did a number on my confidence. I've been nothing but a good person and now I'm viewed as a defacto danger unless someone vouches for me. my fears come from a real place. I'm not imagining all of this and that fear isn't an "incel" thing. I guess technically I'm an incel. also therapy can only get you so far. I need the community around me to corroborate the positive things I'm being told and there is a disconnect.
I think I just need to start speed dating so that I can actually interact with people. I got jokes and personality. all the good pictures of me doing fun things have my ex in them because we were together for 15 years. so my dating profile pictures are selfies, pictures of me and my pets, and pictures of me being a cute kid. you would figure being a progressive empathetic person would get you at least one match but I guess not.
also I don't just swipe right on everyone so this is also a preference thing. we both have to match to talk to each other so it's a mutual thing. I probably have a bunch of girls on these apps attracted to me that I'm not attracted to. they are probably going through the same feelings I'm going through.
it's definitely not a "women bad" situation and i refuse to lower my filter. I'm not dating a MAGAt just to be in a relationship and I'm not going to parent anyones kids.
I'm going to keep trying though and one day I'll find my diamond. we will watch cartoons on Saturday mornings and shower each other with snuggs and hugs.
Honestly, I respect you and your approach. Speed dating is an option, it is somewhat organic, or at least it mimics the thing, but as a word of advice, avoid the free ones. There are events on my city that charge around $20, with $10 out of the fee being consumable at the cafe where they host them, and the difference in quality of people is massive. And worst case scenario, at least I can count it as an afternoon out, with a good piece of pie.
I feel for you dude, and sadly, I have seen your fear materialize. Made a comment a few min ago on this thread, I'm gay, and even I got posted on one of those internet forums, to the point someone took and posted pictures of me at work, without my permission or awareness. Sometimes, some people are so toxic that they will lash out, to no fault of your own and attempt to hurt you.
Keep your standards high, build a circle of friends, and honestly man, my heart hurts for you, straight people dating is beyond fucked now, and has been for a while.
I had the impulse to reply to
with a mocking
and it turns out that it is your problem. /s
Edit:
Turns out you are conservative:
Because not wanting to be a parent automatically makes one a conservative, got it.
You do know that some people just don't want kids at all, Right? And then there is the added danger, in case of a separation, even without marrying the woman, that the guy who according to the courts, acted as a father figure, gets hit with child support, and even alimony?
Lots of people act like it is conservative or incel behavior to try to protect oneself from systems designed to exploit and harm us.
You have made the decision before you met a child and their mother. If the sunday morning space is essential then the child makes it difficult but maybe the child stays the weekend with their father and for the rest of the week you like their company.
It feels like you look for a woman who fits into your plans instead of trying with an open mind. I am not in the position to tell you that it is wrong, or if it is true at all, but if you want my guess then that's were I think you can improve your odds.
Way to bark at the wrong tree, I'm gay, I don't look for women but sure, go off and claim I'm a conservative, lol. It is perfectly normal, natural and healthy to have, expect and respect boundaries, and there are also non negotiables.
So, if you feel asking men to disregard their non negotiables is perfectly valid, Would you ask the same from women? And if so, that's just fucked up and unhealthy, I recommend you read and meditate on that.
If my non negotiables include not dating people with kids, you don't know my reasons. Blindly asking me to disregard them and get to know them first, it is setting me up for failure. I will not expand on my reasons for children being a non-starter, because it is traumatic and I don't owe you an explanation.
Right, I mistook you for the parent poster.
Very reasonable. Only share what you want to share.