I used to be so sure I was trans but now I'm so unsure about everything including being trans. I used to be so sure about being trans to the point I had bought estrogen online but my mother found out and threw it out before I could actually take any of it. Instead she called my doctor who put me on the NHS waiting list and referred me to the mental health services. That was like 2-3 years ago, I still don't have estrogen, haven't even met with a gender specialist and everyone in the mental health services keeps telling me what a horrible idea diy hrt is.
I don't even try to be trans anymore. I don't come out to new people even when I know they would be okay with it. I don't try on new clothes even when I'm alone or with people I'm out to. Im no longer having gender dysphoria so bad and painful that I just want to end things but I don't try anymore. It just makes me wonder whether I really was trans, I feel like if I were really trans I would still be trying to get hrt and trying to be more fem but I dont, I just go about my day kinda miserable and don't really think about my future as a trans woman or in general anymore.
I still have little moments where I'll try on makeup and I'll feel good that make me think oh yeah I am trans but then I just go back to normal where I'm just a guy. There are other times where I've tried to lean into being trans by wearing fem clothes and its made me feel so much worse because I feel like I just look like a guy in a dress and my friends are just lying to me about me looking good. I feel like if I were trans it would make me happeir looking more fem. If I were trans I would be making more of an effort to live a life where I would be perceived as a woman.
I ditn know anymore I wish things could just be over I'm so scared I'm going to end up living a miserable life because I'm too scared to be a woman. Or that if I try to be a woman I will never actually be happy with how I look. I'm so scared I'm already too far gone to fix myself to the point I'll actually be happy.
First of all, it's going to be ok.
Your situation might be truly rough. Not being allowed to experiment, and express whatever it is that brings you joy, is an undoubtedly painful situation.
My read on your situation, is just that you're in a learned-helplessness state, and also kinda depressed, that's why you can't find it in you to seek what you might want.
The first stages of transition, whether you're going full Trans Woman, or just trying to find your gender, are rough, and they require effort, and energy, and trial and error, even on the best of days.
I think your body knows that, and is telling you to rest, and build up your energy, because it sounds like you're not living the best of days.
And that's ok.
I'd say, you don't have to worry about whether you're trans. Not because "You just are", but because "You're allowed to be something complicated", and you don't have to answer that right now.
Now is the time to take care of yourself.
Since you mentioned the NHS, if I'm not wrong, you're in England, so I'm going to ask someone I know about a trans health clinic over there, which might be able to help you. If you tell me some info about where you are (in DM if you want, which city for example) I can ask what support might exist in your area.
Honestly, speaking from experience, it's ok to be depressed when things are objectively Shit.
It's ok not to know, when you don't have the opportunity to find out.
It's truly going to be ok, it's just going to take some time and thought and effort, for you to understand the things that are going on, and work on them.
It does sound like you're already very aware of your pain and joy, so I believe you've got the most difficult part behind you ❤️
I hope you're well, and trust me, and the rest of the people that are going to be writing and helping: You're a wonderful person, and you're going to create a life worth living ❤️