this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2026
35 points (97.3% liked)

Transfem

5694 readers
212 users here now

A community for transfeminine people and experiences.

This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.

Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.

This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.

Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.

Some helpful links:

Support Hotlines:

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone
ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone
ada@piefed.blahaj.zone
will_steal_your_username@lemmy.blahaj.zone
35
I just dont know anymore (slrpnk.net)
submitted 1 day ago by kaseki@slrpnk.net to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
12 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I used to be so sure I was trans but now I'm so unsure about everything including being trans. I used to be so sure about being trans to the point I had bought estrogen online but my mother found out and threw it out before I could actually take any of it. Instead she called my doctor who put me on the NHS waiting list and referred me to the mental health services. That was like 2-3 years ago, I still don't have estrogen, haven't even met with a gender specialist and everyone in the mental health services keeps telling me what a horrible idea diy hrt is.

I don't even try to be trans anymore. I don't come out to new people even when I know they would be okay with it. I don't try on new clothes even when I'm alone or with people I'm out to. Im no longer having gender dysphoria so bad and painful that I just want to end things but I don't try anymore. It just makes me wonder whether I really was trans, I feel like if I were really trans I would still be trying to get hrt and trying to be more fem but I dont, I just go about my day kinda miserable and don't really think about my future as a trans woman or in general anymore.

I still have little moments where I'll try on makeup and I'll feel good that make me think oh yeah I am trans but then I just go back to normal where I'm just a guy. There are other times where I've tried to lean into being trans by wearing fem clothes and its made me feel so much worse because I feel like I just look like a guy in a dress and my friends are just lying to me about me looking good. I feel like if I were trans it would make me happeir looking more fem. If I were trans I would be making more of an effort to live a life where I would be perceived as a woman.

I ditn know anymore I wish things could just be over I'm so scared I'm going to end up living a miserable life because I'm too scared to be a woman. Or that if I try to be a woman I will never actually be happy with how I look. I'm so scared I'm already too far gone to fix myself to the point I'll actually be happy.

all 13 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 8 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Your feeling are completely normal, alot of us go through the same thing. I'm going through something similar myself. Constantly questioning if I'm Trans, questioning if I just gaslit myself. But I always come back to the same conclusion:

If I were 100% cis, would I be questioning it at all? Would I have ever come here and asked the question? Would I have a story to share?

When I first reached> out I was told "there is no wrong way to be trans". I remind myself of this all the time. I don't have to have dysphoria to be Trans, but because being fem brings me joy I'm allowed to lean into it. It doesn't have to be all the time, I don't have to come out entirely, I don't have to start HRT or voice training. I just follow the joy.

I do not have a female form and it bugged me alot when trying out fem clothing. This article really helped:

https://margaretkilljoy.substack.com/p/brick-pride

Your feeling are completely normal, alot of us go through the same thing. I'm going through something similar myself. Constantly questioning if I'm Trans, questioning if I just gaslit myself. But I always come back to the same conclusion:

If I were 100% cis, would I be questioning it at all? Would I have ever come here and asked the question? Would I have a story to share?

When I first reaches out I was told "there is no wrong way to be trans". I remind myself of this all the time.

No one can make this decision for you, but we will be here for you regardless. This community is all about love and support. It's all I've ever received, and all I give out. Just follow the joy, see where it leads, that's all that matters.

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

[–] tmyakal@infosec.pub 3 points 6 hours ago (1 children)

Jesus Christ, that link was exactly what I needed to read. And now I'm crying in my cubicle. You should've put a trigger warning on that: "TW: you will be seen, and it will make you sob. Save it for when you get home."

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

[–] Nissa@lemmy.world 3 points 6 hours ago

Oh no! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry! I'll remember that next time I share it.

Happy I could help

[–] gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 9 hours ago

I’m so scared I’m already too far gone to fix myself to the point I’ll actually be happy.

That is bullshit. There are people who can find happiness in all kinds of situations. The example i've seen is pictures of old people, sitting in the slums of india, among incredible and unimaginable poverty. and they were glowing with happiness. it really changed my outlook on life. happiness is not our material circumstances, but what we do with it. don't be ashamed to be yourself.

[–] randamumaki@lemmy.blahaj.zone 27 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Genderfluid people exist. Nonbinary people exist. You may feel more at home with either term.

This does not mean you're not trans, or have feelings similar to people who are.

Take your time to explore what your sex and gender mean to you personally, without others telling you what is or is not right.

It's a big puzzle and there's no time limit. People have transitioned well into their old age.

There are a lot of things which are possible if you truly need to go that route. Don't panic.

[–] brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zone 10 points 1 day ago

Exactly this, saves me from typing a wall like i normally do. ❤️

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 19 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

First of all, it's going to be ok.

Your situation might be truly rough. Not being allowed to experiment, and express whatever it is that brings you joy, is an undoubtedly painful situation.

My read on your situation, is just that you're in a learned-helplessness state, and also kinda depressed, that's why you can't find it in you to seek what you might want.

The first stages of transition, whether you're going full Trans Woman, or just trying to find your gender, are rough, and they require effort, and energy, and trial and error, even on the best of days.

I think your body knows that, and is telling you to rest, and build up your energy, because it sounds like you're not living the best of days.

And that's ok.

I'd say, you don't have to worry about whether you're trans. Not because "You just are", but because "You're allowed to be something complicated", and you don't have to answer that right now.

Now is the time to take care of yourself.

Since you mentioned the NHS, if I'm not wrong, you're in England, so I'm going to ask someone I know about a trans health clinic over there, which might be able to help you. If you tell me some info about where you are (in DM if you want, which city for example) I can ask what support might exist in your area.

Honestly, speaking from experience, it's ok to be depressed when things are objectively Shit.

It's ok not to know, when you don't have the opportunity to find out.

It's truly going to be ok, it's just going to take some time and thought and effort, for you to understand the things that are going on, and work on them.

It does sound like you're already very aware of your pain and joy, so I believe you've got the most difficult part behind you ❤️

I hope you're well, and trust me, and the rest of the people that are going to be writing and helping: You're a wonderful person, and you're going to create a life worth living ❤️

[–] Racoonwithbenefits@lemmy.zip 19 points 1 day ago

Dont give up.

Life is about more than your gender, sexuality and makeup.

Do what makes you happy. Its the key to a happy life. Sure some things wanna do will be hard or almost impossible, but it gives us something to work towards in our daily lives. Slight improvements daily means big successes in the longer term

Youre still young. Loads of good experiences to come

[–] zea_64@lemmy.blahaj.zone 10 points 23 hours ago

Being in that state of apathy and not trying sounds like maybe numbness and depression imo.

[–] joeljoelle@piefed.blahaj.zone 6 points 23 hours ago* (last edited 23 hours ago)

I have these same sort of doubts because of my baldness, but I am not letting it stop me, I am taking it and making it cute. I thought I would not have an option to even use she/her, because I didn't have a beautiful head of hair I would be nonbinary, which is also okay I'm not hung up on labels, but I want to be me of course. I'm still not sure about it 100% but I think each day I feel it's the right choice the more I live with it. I am 49 years old, it's not too late for you, you can be happy ❤️

[–] Rentlar@lemmy.ca 6 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

You don't have to force yourself to become girl-like just because you don't want to follow male gender norms. I won't deny you the validity of the pain and feelings you've had in the past, but since it's evolved into a calmer confusion, I invite you to look beyond the binary. I've got non-binary friends, going by they/them, they figure out their life one step at a time like anyone else, with good days and bad ones.

Grow out your hair if you want or not, do your nails or not, wear what you like and fits comfortably, your deodorant can be artificial sports smell, unscented or flower. You will always be you and none of the things above will change that. I'd think your friends like to be with you for reasons other than your appearance or gender identity. Embrace that you'll figure it out eventually, you don't necessarily have to rush directly to the answer to live an adequate life. I suggest to start doing more of the things you like doing (which can include makeup/beauty activities), over worrying about the appearance of doing it.

[–] FRYD@sh.itjust.works 3 points 21 hours ago

First it seems like you’re pretty young and your parents don’t sound especially supportive of being trans. Survival comes first, so there’s no shame in waiting. DIY hrt is in my opinion very risky and I don’t blame the professionals recommending against it.

Personally I transitioned in my late 20s. I was “fine” with being a guy even though the moments where I explored my femininity immediately felt more fun. As for being dissatisfied with how you look and your fear of looking like a man in a dress, it’s more complicated yet also simpler than that. Do I pass? No. That said, being as feminine as I can be makes me much happier than I ever felt as a guy. There’s all kinds of work and effort you can put it in to look more feminine and I like to celebrate the small victories.

Take your time and explore your gender and who you are and who you want to be. If and when you’re ever considering making a move on that, don’t let perfect be the enemy of better. Even the most passing trans women I know still get dysphoria and have insecurities, it’s just how it is. You have to decide if that battle is worth how much better you feel when you’re being as close to the person you want be as you can.