I used to be so sure I was trans but now I'm so unsure about everything including being trans. I used to be so sure about being trans to the point I had bought estrogen online but my mother found out and threw it out before I could actually take any of it. Instead she called my doctor who put me on the NHS waiting list and referred me to the mental health services. That was like 2-3 years ago, I still don't have estrogen, haven't even met with a gender specialist and everyone in the mental health services keeps telling me what a horrible idea diy hrt is.
I don't even try to be trans anymore. I don't come out to new people even when I know they would be okay with it. I don't try on new clothes even when I'm alone or with people I'm out to. Im no longer having gender dysphoria so bad and painful that I just want to end things but I don't try anymore. It just makes me wonder whether I really was trans, I feel like if I were really trans I would still be trying to get hrt and trying to be more fem but I dont, I just go about my day kinda miserable and don't really think about my future as a trans woman or in general anymore.
I still have little moments where I'll try on makeup and I'll feel good that make me think oh yeah I am trans but then I just go back to normal where I'm just a guy. There are other times where I've tried to lean into being trans by wearing fem clothes and its made me feel so much worse because I feel like I just look like a guy in a dress and my friends are just lying to me about me looking good. I feel like if I were trans it would make me happeir looking more fem. If I were trans I would be making more of an effort to live a life where I would be perceived as a woman.
I ditn know anymore I wish things could just be over I'm so scared I'm going to end up living a miserable life because I'm too scared to be a woman. Or that if I try to be a woman I will never actually be happy with how I look. I'm so scared I'm already too far gone to fix myself to the point I'll actually be happy.
You don't have to force yourself to become girl-like just because you don't want to follow male gender norms. I won't deny you the validity of the pain and feelings you've had in the past, but since it's evolved into a calmer confusion, I invite you to look beyond the binary. I've got non-binary friends, going by they/them, they figure out their life one step at a time like anyone else, with good days and bad ones.
Grow out your hair if you want or not, do your nails or not, wear what you like and fits comfortably, your deodorant can be artificial sports smell, unscented or flower. You will always be you and none of the things above will change that. I'd think your friends like to be with you for reasons other than your appearance or gender identity. Embrace that you'll figure it out eventually, you don't necessarily have to rush directly to the answer to live an adequate life. I suggest to start doing more of the things you like doing (which can include makeup/beauty activities), over worrying about the appearance of doing it.