I used to be so sure I was trans but now I'm so unsure about everything including being trans. I used to be so sure about being trans to the point I had bought estrogen online but my mother found out and threw it out before I could actually take any of it. Instead she called my doctor who put me on the NHS waiting list and referred me to the mental health services. That was like 2-3 years ago, I still don't have estrogen, haven't even met with a gender specialist and everyone in the mental health services keeps telling me what a horrible idea diy hrt is.
I don't even try to be trans anymore. I don't come out to new people even when I know they would be okay with it. I don't try on new clothes even when I'm alone or with people I'm out to. Im no longer having gender dysphoria so bad and painful that I just want to end things but I don't try anymore. It just makes me wonder whether I really was trans, I feel like if I were really trans I would still be trying to get hrt and trying to be more fem but I dont, I just go about my day kinda miserable and don't really think about my future as a trans woman or in general anymore.
I still have little moments where I'll try on makeup and I'll feel good that make me think oh yeah I am trans but then I just go back to normal where I'm just a guy. There are other times where I've tried to lean into being trans by wearing fem clothes and its made me feel so much worse because I feel like I just look like a guy in a dress and my friends are just lying to me about me looking good. I feel like if I were trans it would make me happeir looking more fem. If I were trans I would be making more of an effort to live a life where I would be perceived as a woman.
I ditn know anymore I wish things could just be over I'm so scared I'm going to end up living a miserable life because I'm too scared to be a woman. Or that if I try to be a woman I will never actually be happy with how I look. I'm so scared I'm already too far gone to fix myself to the point I'll actually be happy.
Jesus Christ, that link was exactly what I needed to read. And now I'm crying in my cubicle. You should've put a trigger warning on that: "TW: you will be seen, and it will make you sob. Save it for when you get home."
Anyway, thanks for sharing.
Oh no! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry! I'll remember that next time I share it.
Happy I could help