I used to be so sure I was trans but now I'm so unsure about everything including being trans. I used to be so sure about being trans to the point I had bought estrogen online but my mother found out and threw it out before I could actually take any of it. Instead she called my doctor who put me on the NHS waiting list and referred me to the mental health services. That was like 2-3 years ago, I still don't have estrogen, haven't even met with a gender specialist and everyone in the mental health services keeps telling me what a horrible idea diy hrt is.
I don't even try to be trans anymore. I don't come out to new people even when I know they would be okay with it. I don't try on new clothes even when I'm alone or with people I'm out to. Im no longer having gender dysphoria so bad and painful that I just want to end things but I don't try anymore. It just makes me wonder whether I really was trans, I feel like if I were really trans I would still be trying to get hrt and trying to be more fem but I dont, I just go about my day kinda miserable and don't really think about my future as a trans woman or in general anymore.
I still have little moments where I'll try on makeup and I'll feel good that make me think oh yeah I am trans but then I just go back to normal where I'm just a guy. There are other times where I've tried to lean into being trans by wearing fem clothes and its made me feel so much worse because I feel like I just look like a guy in a dress and my friends are just lying to me about me looking good. I feel like if I were trans it would make me happeir looking more fem. If I were trans I would be making more of an effort to live a life where I would be perceived as a woman.
I ditn know anymore I wish things could just be over I'm so scared I'm going to end up living a miserable life because I'm too scared to be a woman. Or that if I try to be a woman I will never actually be happy with how I look. I'm so scared I'm already too far gone to fix myself to the point I'll actually be happy.
Your feeling are completely normal, alot of us go through the same thing. I'm going through something similar myself. Constantly questioning if I'm Trans, questioning if I just gaslit myself. But I always come back to the same conclusion:
If I were 100% cis, would I be questioning it at all? Would I have ever come here and asked the question? Would I have a story to share?
When I first reached> out I was told "there is no wrong way to be trans". I remind myself of this all the time. I don't have to have dysphoria to be Trans, but because being fem brings me joy I'm allowed to lean into it. It doesn't have to be all the time, I don't have to come out entirely, I don't have to start HRT or voice training. I just follow the joy.
I do not have a female form and it bugged me alot when trying out fem clothing. This article really helped:
https://margaretkilljoy.substack.com/p/brick-pride
Your feeling are completely normal, alot of us go through the same thing. I'm going through something similar myself. Constantly questioning if I'm Trans, questioning if I just gaslit myself. But I always come back to the same conclusion:
If I were 100% cis, would I be questioning it at all? Would I have ever come here and asked the question? Would I have a story to share?
When I first reaches out I was told "there is no wrong way to be trans". I remind myself of this all the time.
No one can make this decision for you, but we will be here for you regardless. This community is all about love and support. It's all I've ever received, and all I give out. Just follow the joy, see where it leads, that's all that matters.
♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡
Jesus Christ, that link was exactly what I needed to read. And now I'm crying in my cubicle. You should've put a trigger warning on that: "TW: you will be seen, and it will make you sob. Save it for when you get home."
Anyway, thanks for sharing.
Oh no! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry! I'll remember that next time I share it.
Happy I could help