You're demonstrating the pattern of a help-rejecting complainer. Your posts are full of people offering you real good intentioned advice, but you're locked in monotropic thought patterns. Once you come to a conclusion, you have a very hard time walking away from it. You end up rejecting every single piece of advice given to you for one strained reason or another.

In your Buddhist discussions you were looking for a specific type of teacher, as you were thoroughly convinced that's what you need. When people pointed out your writings demonstrate a profound misunderstanding of Buddhism, you dismissed these good people out of hand.

In other discussions you mention serious medical issues, and you dismiss advice to go to the hospital. You state a single local hospital is "committing genocide", and you completely dismiss the good pair who are trying to help you and are telling you that this is a clear sign of delusional thinking. The very concept of genocide doesn't even make any sense at the level of a hospital, but that doesn't matter to you.

And now here, I want to help you, but you accuse me of gaslighting you, demonstrating that you have no idea what that word even means. I have no reason to gaslight you. I have nothing to gain by doing so. And I have a feeling I am not the first person to tell you that you are suffering from clearly deluded thinking. I suspect you have a pattern of dismissing mental health warnings as gaslighting.

You are not going to get better because you do not want to get better. You want to vent about your struggles, but you don't actually want any help solving them. You are, in psychological terms, a help-rejecting complainer. You will not get better, because you do you want to get better.

Sorry for the tough love, but it's what you need to hear.