I just noticed this weird one where i feel like im incapable of juggling multiple things at once, like instead of slowly chipping away at multiple efforts in parallel (not literally at the same time a la multitasking), i feel like everything has to be sequential even if they could all technically be gradually achieved by breaking them down into manageable daily chunks with a firm shared deadline for all

Another I noticed reflecting over the past decade or so is i was up to my eyeballs in debt and working all the time without making a dent and my apartment was a dirty disaster full of bullshit and clutter and always the sink full of dishes, i kept thinking all that time when i get out of debt, when i have money, when i get things straightened for the millionth time, this and that, then i can start living. Whatever the hell that even means.

Starting to realize i need to figure out how to start living now. I dont have infinite time and the most important things to me like my cats and my health and a future thats actually sustainable and starkly different from how things have been so far, i feel like im constantly failing to nourish and plant the correct seeds I need to broadcast long-term

All those initial bindings are technically gone but my life still feels cold and barren and precarious. Like comimg out of a mental prison after all this time, i hardly know what to do with myself