856
Virginity
(lemmy.nz)
E: this baby dicked Honda owner is laughing at the responses.
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this post was submitted on 28 Sep 2026
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But i think that's exactly the point being made, there shouldn't be that much pressure on it because it is very often disappointing. Building it up in your head as a moment that will define you often has no benefit to your life.
Bible shaggers will disagree for obvious reasons, but nobody is going to them for measured romantic and sexual advice.
Have sex when you feel ready. Make it special if you want to. No need to make it an implicit societal pressure.
It's disappointing because we don't talk more about what it should be like. We don't expect men to do better about it. If someone had taught me how important it was and what things were at stake for women's first time, I'd have done it a lot differently.
Many women, if not nearly all, carry trauma from their first time as well.
It should be talked about, in that we agree. Sex ed should include what to do, what to expect, and how to have fun as well as protecting oneself.
I am also a woman and I have no trauma from my first time. It was with my bf at the time, but it still wasn’t anything special.
Unfortunately the fact that it wasn't traumatizing is pretty special, you just never needed to find that out fortunately
I would like a source on most if not all women experience trauma from losing their virginity. Because my experience really isn’t that special.
It was fumbling, silly, nervous, sure. But not traumatic.
I think thats exactly why this sentiment is being fielded.
It allows a separation from what can easily be a less than pleasant experience that society often puts a lot of pressure on.
That actually makes it worse. Trauma is healed by being acknowledged, not trivialized.
Consider the consequences of associating what you consider a defining moment of your sexual identity with trauma, forever.
Consider then, a mindset where that moment does not define your sexual identity.
In which scenario would you expect to feel better.
What you're saying is how to deal with an event after it happens, the topic here is how to shape your expectations before the event, to avoid a worse fallout. Regardless of how negative the experience is.
Please don't go around telling people trauma is a mindset again.
Re-read my last. You're making a slightly different distinction to uphold this point, and it doesnt really make sense.
Your thinly veiled victim blaming talking points are not as subtle as you think cowboy.
That’s a pretty extraordinary reading of what I said. “A traumatic experience can be real and serious without permanently defining your identity” is almost the opposite of victim blaming.
I haven’t blamed anyone for being traumatised, or suggested they caused their own distress. I’m saying that we don’t need to reinforce the idea that a bad first sexual experience means something fundamental has been permanently lost or changed about them.
You're determined to collapse “this experience can be traumatic” into “therefore virginity should carry this enormous cultural significance”, but the second simply doesn’t follow from the first, and there's no good reason to force it to.
No it's not.
You don't get define whether trauma becomes part of your identity, it is traumatic because it becomes part of your identity whether you want it to or not.
This is really offensive.
You’re awful.
Again, you're looking it after the fact, this discussion is about prevention.
Can you not see the distinction?
No, it's because you don't understand trauma at all apparently.
It's not the cultural conversation around your first time that causes it to be traumatic.
It is that your first time experiencing anything, is when you are most susceptible to create strong associations around it. Much more so in any intense experience.
That's how many phobias are created.
I'm trying to tell you that this idea that trauma is intellectually malleable is extremely offensive, because that is not how it works.
Anyway. If that still isnt clicking then I leave you with this only, your trauma is your own and cant be redefined by outside sources.
But none of that means we cant try to help, support and prepare people before they (potentially) experience it.
The goal is always to make the world a little bit nicer for those who follow us.
So you do not see the distinction. You're repeatedly arguing past the point.
Nobody is saying trauma is something you can simply reason yourself out of after the event. Ive repeatedly pointed that out even. I'm saying the meaning we attach to an event beforehand affects how we interpret and experience it.
Yes, first experiences can produce strong associations. That doesn't establish that we should culturally frame someone's first sexual experience as a uniquely defining threshold where something is permanently "lost". If anything, that makes the framing more relevant, not less.
A traumatic first sexual experience may be traumatic because of what actually happened: coercion, pain, fear, humiliation, betrayal, whatever the circumstances were. But the additional belief that "this was my one special first time and now it's been irreversibly taken from me" is a separate layer of meaning, and that layer absolutely can be socially taught.
You're treating "trauma can form involuntarily" as though it disproves "cultural expectations can shape how experiences are understood" but those propositions don't conflict at all.
Once again, that's just a slippery slope to victim blaming.
"Couldn't you just have... thought about it differently?"
Like I said, you're not being subtle.
Nobody is saying that and that you are still bringing it up lets me doubt your mental capabillities.
SOCIETY should not tell the RAPE VICTIM that the VICTIM is DAMAGED.
Of course it should, and it should provide the services for them to heal as well