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Sorry, but I’m bringing my iced coffee to the job interview
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this post was submitted on 06 Oct 2026
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Yeah, I mean, I'm a queer polyamorous woman so very much in a different world (perhaps within your "much less likely" category :p). I do see where you're coming from; I guess there is a difference between being honest if asked something like "do you want to fuck my sister?" (maybe stupid question to ask if a yes would be hurtful, but imo very important to not lie), and your original example of asking carelessly and unprompted if it would be okay to do so, which does raise a lot of questions as you say.
I do think it's fundamentally unrealistic even within monogamy to expect your partner to never be interested in anyone else, but probably realistic to expect them not to take steps towards being with someone else without a very careful conversation first. And that conversation is much better done before there is any particular person in mind, otherwise it can come across as "I want to date this other person more than you, but also I like the security of this relationship" etc etc.
I'm a monogamous hetero cis man, and I've never had to advocate or filter for a polyamorous relationship. There is a pro-forma declaration of monogamy pretty early when I'm dating, but I feel like the contract has already been written and communicated in a million small and subtle ways before then, and from my limited experience, that the contract is non-negotiable.
I'm guessing there are subtle signals we put out that indicate where we stand on things, and maybe those signals mutually filter people out before a conversation even needs to be had, so maybe we're all working with self-selected population bias...
That said, the common complaint of straight cis women in dating is that there are a lot of fuckboys out there, who are just interested in sex, and surely the men quickly realize that being upfront about what they want is disqualifying on a near population-wide level, so they quickly learn not to communicate what they really want.
Hetero pessimism, in a nutshell.
Yeah, the problem is (speaking from experience as well as theory), mononormativity is so strong a force that poly people often get pressured into monogamous relationships (consciously or not), and then only realise that they feel differently from mono people when already in a monogamous relationship. Usually there has been a declaration of monogamy, but assenting to that is not exactly always a free choice, especially since the cultural norm is that that is the only way a relationship can progress. So it's not pure implicit signals leading to self-selection, and explicit contract-making doesn't solve the problem.
It does seem like this happens; it's also pretty bleak. It seems to lead to a lot of lying and deception, and destruction of the social fabric. Norms among queer and poly people seem to me to be more functional, but I am surely biased. See also !are_the_straights_ok@lemmy.blahaj.zone