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Sorry, but I’m bringing my iced coffee to the job interview
(www.theguardian.com)
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this post was submitted on 06 Oct 2026
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I'm a monogamous hetero cis man, and I've never had to advocate or filter for a polyamorous relationship. There is a pro-forma declaration of monogamy pretty early when I'm dating, but I feel like the contract has already been written and communicated in a million small and subtle ways before then, and from my limited experience, that the contract is non-negotiable.
I'm guessing there are subtle signals we put out that indicate where we stand on things, and maybe those signals mutually filter people out before a conversation even needs to be had, so maybe we're all working with self-selected population bias...
That said, the common complaint of straight cis women in dating is that there are a lot of fuckboys out there, who are just interested in sex, and surely the men quickly realize that being upfront about what they want is disqualifying on a near population-wide level, so they quickly learn not to communicate what they really want.
Hetero pessimism, in a nutshell.
Yeah, the problem is (speaking from experience as well as theory), mononormativity is so strong a force that poly people often get pressured into monogamous relationships (consciously or not), and then only realise that they feel differently from mono people when already in a monogamous relationship. Usually there has been a declaration of monogamy, but assenting to that is not exactly always a free choice, especially since the cultural norm is that that is the only way a relationship can progress. So it's not pure implicit signals leading to self-selection, and explicit contract-making doesn't solve the problem.
It does seem like this happens; it's also pretty bleak. It seems to lead to a lot of lying and deception, and destruction of the social fabric. Norms among queer and poly people seem to me to be more functional, but I am surely biased. See also !are_the_straights_ok@lemmy.blahaj.zone