It's still here, with me. It always will be. Even tho the drugs dull the pain considerably, under all of it, the envy will always be there. Seeing other girlies, beautiful and happy, feminine and pretty, it gives me so much gender envy...
I don't even have a right to complain. I didn't start that late, compared to the average. Still, I'm incapable of just "living with it". In my mind, it's way too late anyway.
And it's all my fault in any case. I'm sabotaging my own transition and then bitching about it. I vape, a lot and then complain that my boobs are small. I take so much kratom and then complain that my body isn't changing. I neither eat enough nor exercise, I don't try to voice train or do makeup, I rarely wear feminine clothing at all, even tho I enjoy those things greatly. It's all my fault...
You could say I'm early in the process. 8 months is early, right? But, a year on HRT is four months away. I highly doubt that much will change in four months. And the slow progress is my fault anyway, so why am I even complaining...
It's nobody's fault but mine. It's nobody's fault that I'm so easily triggered. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem here, complaining all the time, taking space away from people who actually try. Who try to live healthy and take care of their mental health, who exercise and don't do drugs. People who put effort into their transition, unlike me. I just sit on my ass, take HRT and expect to look somewhat like a girl. The time when HRT alone would make me pass is long gone anyway...
I suck. So fucking much. I'm just a burden to this world anyway. I hate myself and "fix" it with drugs. Like a dumbass. Cause that's what I am. A masculine, ugly, stupid dumbass. Like I could ever have been anything else...
I wish everyone the best in their journey. Just ignore me please. Ignore this vent into the void. I have nothing of value to bring to this place anyway. I have no value at all...
And if that person is reading this...don't call the cops on me again. I'm not strong enough to do it. I can't hurt myself. The only thing you accomplish by calling the police is wasting their precious time on a useless existence such as myself. They called an ambulance the last time. I wasted doctors' time, me, the most useless person ever. Fuck this...
First off be nicer to my friend or I'll come and hug you so hard you'll feel cherished. Second, so much will continue to change in the next three years. 8 months is for real so early. I didn't even get my girl nips until like 2.5 years in. We all go at our own pace but believe me when i say there is still so much to look forward to. I thought for sure I'd never wear makeup. Now i won't go out in public without a little eyeliner and mascara. Took me three years before i wore my first dress in public. This year i walked in the pride parade in a trans bikini. This is a long journey and sometimes it seems like we are standing still. I promise you those baby steps add up.
Also, i really hope you can get the kratom under control. I've seen a few friends battling with it.