I love injections. I really do. The convenience, the high enough levels to do monotherapy and just the coolness of needles :3

But my OCD is the worst when it comes to life-saving medications 😭
I always worry if I injected all of the oil, if it didn't leak out, if I somehow won't make it leak out by using my muscles by walking, if I didn't hit the wrong spot...aaaagh, brain, stop!

I just did mine. Like right now. And when I pulled out the needle, a tiny bit of oil leaked out. Just a little bit and mine isn't very concentrated, it's 5mg of EV in a whole milliliter of oil. So it really doesn't make a difference in my levels, but I just can't. Stop. My brain. Overthinking! AAAGH 😭

Anyway, my thigh (I shaved yesterday, so veeerry smooth :3) just got pierced and I fucking love it. I love taking injections. I love the feeling of the large volume of oil gushing inside me, omfg.
Well...I'm a bit biased in that area, cause I love things being inserted into my body and getting filled with liquids 😆

Have a nice day lovelies 💜
Don't forget your shots! And don't worry as much as I do, aaaaaaa 😭

The police was called to my address two days ago. It's because I vented a little too hard to someone that knows my address. My mistake. For the first time ever, I had an ambulance called (even tho I was not injured, in no danger and overall fine). I honestly feel terrible for wasting an ambulance's time. The two EMTs just asked some questions, made sure I was okay, measured my heartbeat and blood oxygen level (100%, wow!) and printed me this piece of paper. This was a first for me, so it was indeed mildly interesting to me.

I'm honestly still depressed as fuck, a dysphoric mess, but I guess I'm alive.

All sensitive information has been redacted, except for my legal first name, which is no secret (it's literally my username) and I've shared it here before.

Transcript (translated):
Anxiety disorder; undergoing gender transition.
HRT, escitalopram, antiandrogen.
Today, during an online conversation, she complained so bitterly about her life that a friend called the police and emergency services out of concern for her suicidal intentions. Upon arrival, the police administered a breathalyzer test and a drug test, both of which were negative. The young patient was present; she was rational, without delusions or hallucinations, oriented, denied suicidal tendencies, confirmed her anxiety, and stated that she just needed to vent and complain. She does not want and does not believe she currently needs an acute psychiatric consultation; she does not want sedative medication; I am leaving her at the scene—she lives with her boyfriend, who will keep an eye on her. In case of difficulties, anxiety, or suicidal tendencies, they will call emergency services at any time; she was instructed accordingly and agrees.
Objective findings: conscious, fully oriented, cooperative, rational, no delusions, no hallucinations, normal heart rate, normal cranial nerve function, neck mobility normal, eupnea, normotension, normal oxygen saturation, ASP, no somatic complaints.

It's still here, with me. It always will be. Even tho the drugs dull the pain considerably, under all of it, the envy will always be there. Seeing other girlies, beautiful and happy, feminine and pretty, it gives me so much gender envy...

I don't even have a right to complain. I didn't start that late, compared to the average. Still, I'm incapable of just "living with it". In my mind, it's way too late anyway.

And it's all my fault in any case. I'm sabotaging my own transition and then bitching about it. I vape, a lot and then complain that my boobs are small. I take so much kratom and then complain that my body isn't changing. I neither eat enough nor exercise, I don't try to voice train or do makeup, I rarely wear feminine clothing at all, even tho I enjoy those things greatly. It's all my fault...

You could say I'm early in the process. 8 months is early, right? But, a year on HRT is four months away. I highly doubt that much will change in four months. And the slow progress is my fault anyway, so why am I even complaining...

It's nobody's fault but mine. It's nobody's fault that I'm so easily triggered. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem here, complaining all the time, taking space away from people who actually try. Who try to live healthy and take care of their mental health, who exercise and don't do drugs. People who put effort into their transition, unlike me. I just sit on my ass, take HRT and expect to look somewhat like a girl. The time when HRT alone would make me pass is long gone anyway...

I suck. So fucking much. I'm just a burden to this world anyway. I hate myself and "fix" it with drugs. Like a dumbass. Cause that's what I am. A masculine, ugly, stupid dumbass. Like I could ever have been anything else...

I wish everyone the best in their journey. Just ignore me please. Ignore this vent into the void. I have nothing of value to bring to this place anyway. I have no value at all...

And if that person is reading this...don't call the cops on me again. I'm not strong enough to do it. I can't hurt myself. The only thing you accomplish by calling the police is wasting their precious time on a useless existence such as myself. They called an ambulance the last time. I wasted doctors' time, me, the most useless person ever. Fuck this...

I'm a huge fan of coconut oil. It's inexpensive, it's useful, you can even cook with it, it smells amazing, it has other uses and it's also good for skin and hair.

I picked up a 200ml jar for about 3$ yesterday. I wanted to test the skin and hair part. So, I melted it in the microwave, rubbed it into my hair and tied it up in a ponytail. Made me a bit dysphoric ngl, cause my forehead started showing through my hair due to my stupid fucking hairline. I hate it.
Anyway, I then decided to rub it all over my body. Everywhere. It was fun and getting oiled up (lol) is actually really fucking pleasant, like wtf? Especially oiling my breasts, that was actually amazing.

So, I basically covered myself in oil. I smelled so freaking good, I love the smell. I waited for about half an hour and now I'm about to take a shower and wash it all off and see if it helped at least a little. I'm expecting at least some effect on my hair, or at least hope for something. Maybe...

Does anyone have experience with this kinda stuff? Oily skincare? Does it work? I'll keep trying it just cause it feels so pleasant. Rubbing oil on boobs...omfg it feels good 💜
I guess I'll come back to this when I'm done showering!

Edit: after washing the coconut oil out of my hair and also using a keratin hair mask, thinking this would make my hair look really nice, I dried it. It now looks even more damaged, frizzy, messy and somehow even more masculine than before. My skin is smoother, but that's just because I shaved. Fuck my life. I wasted so many hours on that. Fuck this...

Yeaaaah...so I'm basically just a domesticated human at this point, cause I don't leave the house 😂
Well, not exactly true. I go shopping like every day. At least there's that...

I'm doing surprisingly well tho. And my bf too, thank fucking god. He goes on walks every now and then, which is good, cause otherwise he spends the whole day in bed, which isn't good for his muscles at all. And walking is healthy anyway.

But yeah, we're doing great! I finally get time to just...be with him. And that's amazing. Even tho he's injured and hurting. Even tho he needs my help with getting up and showering and handing him stuff...I love doing this for him ♥️
I just really like taking care of people. I could have probably legitimately been a nurse, lol

I make us food, I wash clothing (washing machine, so I'm cheating 😭) and do the dishes, I clean a bit, I talk to him and make sure he's okay, I rub cream on his back for the pain, I snuggle up to him, I fill up his vape with e-liquid when he needs it, I bring him beer lol, I buy the stuff our house needs when I go shopping.
And in between, I post on Lemmy, chat with friends on Matrix and take care of myself. I just painted my nails a pretty shade of blue yesterday. It's really nice 💜

He's confirmed that he's doing better now, pain-wise, thank fucking god. I think we can make it three more weeks no problem! I'll be here, for him, with him. Always 🩷

And of course, I satisfy his needs too...

So...yeah. Relationship is going pretty well 😆
Recovery too and that's important.

I'll continue nursing him back to full health. As long as he needs, I don't mind at all. I love taking care of him. I love spending my life with this man more than anything in the world ♥️

I swear someone saw my username and thought it was gonna be a nude 😂 /s
Don't worry, that'd be breaking the rules tho. I wouldn't.

I made this for my Lenovo Legion gaming laptop. This was during early transition, so I ofc wanted something pink, lol. And you know, I like how it came out (pun intended). Not bad! Basic, but...hey it's pink at least.

Details:
Operating system: Arch Linux
Desktop environment: KDE Plasma
Window manager: KWin
Terminal emulator: Kitty (but you can't see it in the screenshot anyway)
Icon set: Papirus Dark
Color scheme: Sweet-dark (I'm pretty sure)
Wallpaper: Found it here