It's still here, with me. It always will be. Even tho the drugs dull the pain considerably, under all of it, the envy will always be there. Seeing other girlies, beautiful and happy, feminine and pretty, it gives me so much gender envy...
I don't even have a right to complain. I didn't start that late, compared to the average. Still, I'm incapable of just "living with it". In my mind, it's way too late anyway.
And it's all my fault in any case. I'm sabotaging my own transition and then bitching about it. I vape, a lot and then complain that my boobs are small. I take so much kratom and then complain that my body isn't changing. I neither eat enough nor exercise, I don't try to voice train or do makeup, I rarely wear feminine clothing at all, even tho I enjoy those things greatly. It's all my fault...
You could say I'm early in the process. 8 months is early, right? But, a year on HRT is four months away. I highly doubt that much will change in four months. And the slow progress is my fault anyway, so why am I even complaining...
It's nobody's fault but mine. It's nobody's fault that I'm so easily triggered. I'm the problem here. I'm the problem here, complaining all the time, taking space away from people who actually try. Who try to live healthy and take care of their mental health, who exercise and don't do drugs. People who put effort into their transition, unlike me. I just sit on my ass, take HRT and expect to look somewhat like a girl. The time when HRT alone would make me pass is long gone anyway...
I suck. So fucking much. I'm just a burden to this world anyway. I hate myself and "fix" it with drugs. Like a dumbass. Cause that's what I am. A masculine, ugly, stupid dumbass. Like I could ever have been anything else...
I wish everyone the best in their journey. Just ignore me please. Ignore this vent into the void. I have nothing of value to bring to this place anyway. I have no value at all...
And if that person is reading this...don't call the cops on me again. I'm not strong enough to do it. I can't hurt myself. The only thing you accomplish by calling the police is wasting their precious time on a useless existence such as myself. They called an ambulance the last time. I wasted doctors' time, me, the most useless person ever. Fuck this...
Edit, this came off kinda harsh, and I want to be very clear about my tone, this is meant to be supportive and caring with an understanding that all of this is really difficult, but that you can work on your problems and succeed at doing so.
Do you want to hate yourself or do you want to fix your problems? Because the problems you listed are solvable but they aren't the sort of solutions you deal with for someone you hate. You need to sit yourself down and start practicing saying that you're worth the difficulty of keeping trying to change.
Start with self esteem talk. From there, look at each of the problems you have here that have a solution and rank them in difficulty to work on. I'd recommend starting with the eating more and vaping issues, though if kratom has a negative impact on hormones definitely put it on the list.
Also try to have fun with stuff like makeup when you try it. If you don't have other trans women in your life IRL I'd recommend finding some. It really helps to have friends who understand what you're going through, even if you're jealous of them.
You're going to stumble, and that's ok. You try again. You're worth trying until you've got it. You're worth the efforts to live your best life rather than just blitzing yourself out on drugs all the time.
I've been self destructive, I had to work hard on self love, I still have to work on it sometimes. But I also managed to lose 30 lbs while finishing college about 2 or 3 years into hormones by acknowledging I had the power to change that aspect of my appearance and that I deserved to look how I wanted. If I can do something like that, you can do your version too.
And yeah, as I've said before, don't judge yourself compared to others, especially not those of us much further along than you