I just no longer believe that I have a future. Im 24. I studied a computer science degree, actually got a job.... except its gonna be automated by an LLM at some point. The tools are already there.
If I lose this job, everything else in my field is just gonna be AI. Its used a lot in my job and by my coworkers... its gonna be hell to compete with AI to get a job in the area.
I think what broke me is reading about open ai generating a lean proofs for hundreds of theorems. I like maths, i wont be a math researcher, but I would imagine that killing any desire to be a mathematician professionally. I understand that maths is a lot much more then just results, but for my field it kinda is just about results. A well working feature is a well working feature.
So thats my career prospects, something i was excited about, just fucking dead. Now what? I dont fucking know. I dont wanna spend another 10s of thousands of dollars in something and for that to get automated. I have no idea at all what field i could work in as a career that isnt something in STEM. Thats where my skills are. Im happyish to do other work, but I so doubt my abilities. Im autistic af, so i have no idea how ill function in for example retail, or hospo work. I hardly function at home atm.
Now feel free to comment on whether you agree with me on my analysis on future career prospects in tech fields im just some junior, but of course main thing is how I feel about it not what I think atm.
Now theres my lack of hope from climate change, and politics. I worry a great deal. The first really crushes my hope, its such a big thing.
Politics stresses me tf out as a trans women,... i worry about getting attacked both literally, and politically. Reduced access to HRT, no legal protections in the future run in my mind. Trans people are under existential threat.
CW: Suicidal thoughts (dw, not going to do anything)
I'll be honest, I do think about how comforting a future suicide is. Dont worry, not right now at all, I still have things to enjoy and experience in my life. Transitioning of course, making friends, seeing family, playing games. But, at this rate, I think ill be lucky to make 40, or even 30. I dont know, the future seems so bleak Im not sure if theres any point in seeing it. If i make it 40, or even idk 30 even, or something, I think at least I lived that. And if I decide to kill myself thats ok, it doesnt erase the good thats happened in my life, just like a natural death wouldnt.
Im comforted by suicide since it means i dont have to watch the world burn, and my life waste away into depression. Its also gives me control. I get to choose when to die, and if thats after all the good in my life has passed, so be it.
For now, I do have a lot to look forward to. Ive been socialising more, Im transitioning into a women, its been good. But that doesnt mean I have hope.
Seeing AI kill math is pretty depressing. There's a lot of debate on whether AI proofs are realistically verifiable, but it doesn't really matter if they're correct - if administrators who can't define an abelian group decide mathematicians are obsolete and should no long be paid for research, they're never going to understand why they're wrong. Even if AI proofs were all correct, math that no one will ever find motivation to learn is worthless. Unfortunately, the people who are most likely to buy into AI are generally the ones whose jobs actually could be replaced by AI without much difference - management types.
It's weird, I burned out on math a while ago, but I'm actually thinking about picking a book back up again. Math stopped being fun for me when I started feeling like everyone had expectations of me, and when it stopped being fun I stopped being good at it. There is something deeply depressing about feeling like the world no longer cares about math research, but maybe that will make it easier for me personally to get back to finding joy in it, the same way I can find joy in a video game without needing anyone else to care about whether I've mastered it.
I'm also in crisis, I have health issues that still aren't well understood, but it's become clear that without a diagnosis I won't get disability and I have to go back to work in january to keep my medicaid. I have upcoming job interviews where I'll have to lie and say my health isn't a concern. There's been progress, I just got a referral to an immunologist a couple days ago, but it's been years and the path to diagnosis has been moving at an astonishingly glacial pace. My illness is always much much easier in the cooler weather, so I'll be fine for the next few months, but if we get to summer with no real treatment I feel like I'm fucked.
Anyway, feel free to reach out if you want to talk about math. I've lost a lot of knowledge and I'll probably embarrass myself, but I still have some intuition for the basics of abstract algebra, topology, and category theory.