this post was submitted on 05 May 2024
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I'm done with the bars and their drunks, and the apps with the spying, out of school, and don't date coworkers, the advice given to me every time I complain about the fact that there are no other "third places" to meet women romantically 100% of the time is "get a hobby." Well, see above. There is no place, women do not want to be talked to anywhere but the bar or apps which ime have been bad places to find long-term companionship.
Can we do something about this? Can we maybe start "bars" where the focus isn't alcohol but it is socially acceptable to say "hey I think you're cute wanna go get some damn coffee?"
Come the fuck on. The rules have been the same from the dawn of time.
#1 Be Attractive
#2 Don't be unattractive
You'll hear shit on the internet all the time about how women don't want to be approached, don't want to be hit on, don't want anyone to flirt with them... but it's all bullshit because the person saying it is an INDIVIDUAL. It's right for them but it isn't right for all women. I promise, women date men all the time!
It doesn't matter that they get all the upvotes in the world from all the white knights and other women who are sick of the attention. That's fine. Don't harass women who shut you down and you can freely ignore the loud voices on the internet.
Since forever in western society, Men have to generally try to make the first move - even if it's just asking a woman out for coffee - and based on the response you either move on or keep trying. It's literally that simple. It's also mostly a numbers game... but the be attractive thing is no joke. Don't be an asshole. Don't be a slob. Learn how to cook and do chores and keep your place clean... if you don't have a place, bust your ass until you get to a point where you can get one.
All the tropes where women say they don't date anyone at xyz is bullshit beyond the individual level. If someone finds you attractive and they want to date you they are going to give positive body language and positive answers to the things that would escalate towards that goal if they really want you. If they don't, they just don't want you, try someone else.
If you're getting angry about women not wanting you and it makes your blood boil and you think you deserve something... you are ignoring rule #1 and rule #2, quit being a fucking asshole.
Finally.. why in the fuck you wouldn't date someone at work is beyond me. People marry someone they met at work all the time.
that's some great piece of advice in here
Great post tbh its refreshing to see an intelligent thought out response on social media for a change lol
The things is, yeah, get a hobby. Find a hobby that often has some kind of social interaction and stereotypically attracts women in your age range. Foster a sincere, genuine interest in that hobby and don't treat it like a meat market. Get to know people, and make friends.
Also, while you're at it, get in shape; lift weights, do cardio, watch your macros. Take daily showers, and wear clean clothes every single day. Clean up your space at home, and keep it that way. Work on yourself, and make yourself a person that you would want to date if someone didn't know anything about you or your personality (because "nice" isn't a personality).
There's nothing wrong with dating at work per se, but you need to be very, very careful because it's easy to quickly go from light flirting to "hostile work environment", and I've known more than a few people that didn't understand the difference. If you're a supervisor, you should absolutely not, under any circumstances, date or attempt to date anyone directly below you on the org chart.
Yeah, I have some hobbies. One is D&D. See OOP. Pretty sure she's complaining about me (kidding, which I really wish I didn't have to specify lol but I do.)
I'm not exactly in shape but I'm not exactly out of it either, I'm kinds standing in shape's doorway letting all the AC out. Supposedly dad bods are in however. I don't use macros I use linux (again, jk.) I do take showers nightly which oughta be close enough and jeans don't get dirty enough to change every day, but the rest I do. Alright you got me, I have cat toys and laundry on my floor. I've seen worse though, and from women at that! I already am fairly up my own ass, I think I'm pretty fuckin' neat, the issue is where can I talk to people (just something as simple as "hey I think you're cool, you seeing anyone? Wanna drink some coffee?") other than an app or bar?
Not a supervisor, but yeah it just seems like a whole can of worms I'd rather leave closed. Back in the restaurant days it was actively encouraged but this place is different. Not "corporate" but still not full of cool degenerates like my old haunts. Oh and the only woman there even near my age is married to a guy who also works there, so they'd have to hire someone or those two would have to divorce (and even then...)
I have thought about picking up a bullshit 1-2 days a week waiting shift literally just to meet women who work there, (not specific like I'm stalking some poor waitress, just "any restaurant," most employ some women lol) but atm I'm working too much OT.
Per my prior comment - "Find a hobby that often has some kind of social interaction and stereotypically attracts women in your age range." That is not D&D, my dude. To later points - that's where you need to be to meet people. I'm going to assume that you don't go to church, and you said that you were out of college. That said, taking personal enrichment classes can be a good place to meet people and make friends, like finding classes on pottery throwing, or jewelry making. (Lapidary tends to attract more men though, which is a little odd.) Classes on making stained glass, maybe? Or ballroom dancing.
Yeah, no. Get in shape. I mean the kind of shape where you have a resting heart rate below 60bpm, can run at least a 5k and survive, lifting free weights, etc. In general people that are in good physical condition, and look like it, will have a far easier time dating, because that's your first impression. The 'dad bod' thing isn't about women preferring men that look like X, Y, or Z, but is more a statement that personality and how a man acts is more important than how he looks. HOWEVER, your appearance is going to be the first thing that people see, so you want to start on a high point.
For reference, when I was dating, I was riding my bike about 28 miles/day, 5 days/week, and in the gym about two hours a day.
I would suggest morning rather than nightly. People sweat at night, and you want to start the day as fresh as possible.
Irrelevant. You're trying to create a positive impression.
It is not something I'd recommend if you work closely with a person.
Honestly, I think that the best bet is going to be trying to make friends through classes that you take for enjoyment, and just trying to be social there. Like, no pressure, not goal-oriented socializing, just trying to meet people and make friends socializing.
Sees post about woman complaining about her D&D group
"Women don't play D&D!"
Bruh Crit Roll came out, your info is like 10yr out of date, women play TTRPGs now. Nerdy ones mostly but that's cool.
Pottery class is a good idea though, I could get into that shit!
Cool plastic surgery it is lol. Nah ngl I think you're wrong about the whole "you have to look like them steroid using celebs" but who knows.
Unfortunately I can't ride my bike that long as I have a job. I'm 5'6" 130lbs no abs, they can take it or leave it at that point tbh, fuck em if they want to be shallow. I'm not going to completely change who I am and become a gym rat, I don't think it's as serious of an issue as you make it out to be.
Well too bad! Nightly it is, I'd rather sleep on clean sheets than get home greasy and sweaty from a 10hr shift of manual labour and pretend that getting into bed in that state is not disgusting as fuck, and I'm not taking 2 showers a day unless I need to.
Well cats gotta play, the laundry I can indees pick up but if they don't want a dude with cats tbh I'm not the one.
Yeah I don't reccomend it either which is why I say I don't want to do it, logically.
Yeah that pottery class idea sounds like a good one.
It's still heavily stacked towards being men. If your end goal is to meet women that you can be friends with, and possibly date, you want to reverse those ratios.
For a first impression? It absolutely helps. That's the whole point of a first impression; they have absolutely nothing to go off but your appearance, so you need to make your appearance look as good as possible. Being bigger than, say, Dwayne Johnson in his prime probably isn't going to help. And the kind of fitness I'm talking about can absolutely be achieved without resorting to illegal drugs or cosmetic surgery.
That was how I got to and from work. Work was 14 miles, one way, in city traffic. I carried work clothes in a large messenger bag and changed when I got to work. (This obvs. doesn't work if you have a job that requires you to carry e.g. tools to and from job sites.)
Look, that's on you. But the idea that, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me" didn't work well for Stuart Smalley either. A lot of people think that you shouldn't have to change anything about who you are in order to find or attract a partner, or that people should 'accept me as I am'; I disagree with that. If you aren't finding people that are interested in who you are--and that you are likewise interested in--then the problem isn't with other people, it's within you, and incumbent on you to make the changes in yourself. You want your own psychological needs and desires met, but at the same time, you need to be ready and able to meet the needs and desires of another person. And yes, that means making changes. And those changes can be difficult and uncomfortable to make.
You can argue about which changes are, and are not, reasonable to make, but ultimately, if you aren't willing to make changes, then you can't expect to find what you say you want.
I have 6 of them (three Sphynx, one Cornish Rex, a Siamese, and a formerly feral Manx, down from an all-time high of 10). I'm aware. But I still pick up their toys, vacuum the floors/carpet/upholstery, clean their boxes, wipe up the food they pull out of their bowls, etc.
No. Not if there will be girls there.
I'm a good looking, personable guy, so my experience is certainly biased by that. Also coming from someone from the us.
But I've found you can approach women in most places. The thing is to just not be creepy about it, and learn how to pick up on cues that she is not interested or uncomfortable. And once "no" has been established, still treating them the way you had before.
If, like described in the geentext, you're claiming you own someone, or you're fighting with friends over it when noone is even dating anyone, the problem is not with approaching the woman.
Frankly, same, with the difference that I've been around women both irl and online who complain about it constantly, so since I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable I stopped. Seems to be around the time the apps came out that it stopped being socially acceptable ime, though I'm not sure that's the cause.
You mean you've been around women who felt comfortable complaining about it around you. Which likely means that they don't think of you as a creep, and now you think of yourself as one...
The bad apples won't care they're going to continue to creep, the men you're comfortable with get scared off. Please, for everyone's sake, both genders and everything in-between and laterally, start to actually talk about how the young'uns are supposed to continue the human race because they sure as fuck don't seem to have an idea. A mere 20 years ago we could sit in mixed company laughing and groaning during an impromptu "everyone's best and worst pickup line" contest, that levity among friends. Levity is serious business re-learn it.
You still can. The discourse is because a large chunk of the male population doesn't understand how to do that without being creeps. Don't be a creep and women will like being around you
How large is the chunk that doesn't dare do it because they think their behaviour would be considered creepy, even though they'd do perfectly fine? Because that was the case I was replying to, not the overall situation.
If gals want to keep up the overall "don't talk to me if I haven't talked to you first" approach, fine, but then y'all gotta start being more proactive with your own pick up skills. And starting pick up line contests yourselves in suitable company, instead of letting decent guys sit there, coming to believe any muscle they move in your presence to be an offence. Thinking they can't show themselves they start to hide themselves, now they can't be read properly any more, their intentions might very well still be pure but because something is hidden well anything could be hidden there, and now you've got an actual creep on your hands.
Tbh some of the complaining was about pretty innocuous stuff, like not pushy or anything (well of course I wasn't there but sometimes the stories just sound like "normal shooting your shot" stuff. And they likely trust me because I haven't tried asking them out, at least in part. If I did I bet that'd change right quick haha.
I’ve heard of a club in my country where you put on a colored bracelet based on whether or not are you looking for a partner. Seemed like a cool idea but I think it didn’t catch on.
I'm into it tbh, I'd join up! Sounds like a good idea.
Try searching for "Traffic Light Party" or "Stop Light Party". Bars/clubs don't usually do it as a continual thing now but some still host them as special events. Heck, if you can find a place that has done it in the past you could always just ask them if they've thought about doing another.
That sounds like a key party lol idk about all that! Jk I'll google what that is and if there are any near me, thanks!
At least in my area, key parties are pretty openly called key parties. Those are usually hosted at hotels though. For obvious reasons, lol.
Lol I was just making a joke.
There’s also group activities where you can meet friends of friends who are single. Baseball games, concerts, weddings, camping trips etc.
My friends have mostly moved, the ones that are still here we chill when we can but we're all adults with lives and known each other for years, not many new faces usually.
It can be a little bit of a pain making new friends as an adult, but it's totally doable. If you make yourself available you'll find em. I found what works for me (30s dude) is to just ask. A friend complaining about having to go to a cousin's wedding? Just ask if you can join and try to make it fun. Then just start listening to conversations and joining in. Doing that I met one guy who does music production on the side for local bands and because of one comment we got talking about AI (something I've done some small work with) and how I thought it would impact him in the near future. He reached out through a mutual acquaintance to get my number and is planning to now invite me to his wedding next year.
I've got more examples but feel I'm rambling. My friend group had majorly shrunk when I moved two ish years ago and I just went through it. Even adults with kids like friends and can become good ones.
I love tabletop gaming but unless it's a very large very active group that meets frequently, it's not a great choice for meeting people for dating purposes. (It is great for making friends, though).
Even when it is a large group, there are better choices, in my experience.
Better ways, IMHO: Volunteering, joining a large church, joining a coed sports league, or joining a large music ensemble (choirs in particular are great).
But you still need to use common sense. To meet available people, you need to go where the available people are. If you volunteer to deliver meals to the elderly, that's truly wonderful, but you probably won't meet the person of your dreams doing that.
Volunteering maybe. Church is crazy, you want me to join a whole ass religion just to meet a woman and then what, pretend to be christian for the rest of my life?! I'd sooner go back to the drink! Sports I'm not really into, and everyone keeps saying "don't just do it to meet women" but like, that's exactly what I'd be doing. Idk maybe like ping pong or something but idt we have a local ping pong league near me, I'll look. Choirs are very churchy are they not? That'd be the same as either sports or church in either case, depending.
Yes, "where are the people" is essentially my question. Some insist "literally everywhere, just do the thing and let em complain, fuck em" which seems to be the leading suggestion. Another dude said his area has singles hikes and shit so I'm gonna check that out too if my area does.
There are plenty of non-church choirs and music groups. That is, if you live in a decent-sized city. If you have some musical ability, it's a great way to mingle.
Community theater and improv groups are other possibilities. Sometimes they are looking for volunteers to do a variety of jobs. It's not all about performing.
I wasn't suggesting you fake being religious just to attend a church. I'm an atheist myself, but I was raised in the church. The only things I miss about it are the socializing and some of the music. I thought if you were already religious, you could find a larger church. (I got flirted with a lot in church.)
And I'll point out that some religions like Bhudism and New Age spiritualism can be more like philosophy than religion, depending on the group. There's absolutely nothing wrong with attending out of curiosity. They expect a few "seekers" to visit.
There are also things like adult education. Cooking classes, dance classes, and the like. Also book reading clubs. Not ideal, but better than sitting at home.
Good luck. I know it's highly challenging in these cynical times we live in.
Book clubs might be good, and tbh I could probably use cooking classes lol.
Thanks! Seems I need the luck lol.
I think I'm unintentionally replying to all your comments specifically. Every adult needs cooking classes. Most of us were taught basic home cooking, which is fine, but knowing a little bit more about how to actually saute can really change your eating habits for the better.
Is speed dating still a thing?
It is! And it worked great for me and my partner! We both got tired of the apps, and neither of us are big socialites, and felt like speed dating was a long-shot, but after meeting at speed dating, we went on a coffee date (so we could talk for more then the 7 minutes they gave us at speed dating), and everything just felt right! I won't say it was love at first sight, but within the year we'd moved in together, and couldn't be happier with each other. Just search online for speed dating in whatever decent-sized city you're in or near, and you'll probably find something!
Idk, but that's a damn fine idea!
Not for people in their 20s.
At least four years ago (or whenever right before Covid started. I'm so bad with time) my 25 year old cousin in law went to a string of speed dating events. They still exist. Heck. I just duckduckgo'd "my state speed dating" and in about twenty seconds found ten within a 30 minute drive over the next month.
I'm with you brother, there's not one place within 100 miles of me that you can just sit and drink coffee and have a gay old time. There's about 30 of them.
Ah, but can you profess burgeoning romantic interest in your fellow patrons at those or are we back at the original "no that isn't appropriate to ask out a woman just trying to enjoy her coffee, either?"
At the 30 coffee shops near me it doesn't exactly seem encouraged, but if you insist, I'm willing to try. Even makes "can I buy you a coffee" easier since we're already there assuming it is appropriate.