If you know me, I have vented here for how much I use AI and like how I feel bad about it. Now, I have started doing meditation, being more aware of my surroundings, spending my time reading books. It helped me. Although I still use AI in my assignments, but I am trying to minimize that usage too. Thanks for your kind support that you have given and for your advices.

There are some people in my university who are jealous of me and whenever I do some message, they reply me with messages that have that sarcasm that look funny and insulting and I don't have any comebacks for them. They also get more reaction and when I do msgs, more people gather and intensify hate. I want to have comebacks but I don't know how to.

[Long post ahead -- read when you are free]

Life feels so big and also so depressing. I am having this feeling in me to destroy my life and what I heard from homeless and poor people, it feels like I don't wanna end up being poor but I also think is it even worth it to be a functional member of this society? To make my parents feel proud who, since I start to challenge them and trying to be my own person, have hated me and more I am aging, more I am seeing their hatred and realizing that nothing that I ever been taught by them is true? I have contradictory feelings going on. I entertain myself, I read books, I do some minimal skincare, but idk why people around me never liked any of these things. Maybe cuz I am not privileged enough or maybe cuz I do not earn money or maybe cuz I do not know how to ride a motorbike so that I can take my parents and siblings wherever they wanna go or that they wanna make me have a job so that as soon as I get a job, I may be married off to a complete stranger whom I don't know or cuz I do not look masculine or cuz I do not engage in religion like they do or cuz I do not know I am a piece of shit. I tried to soothe myself before too and tried doing positive thinking. I tried journaling and when I read them, I feel like I have not grown since. I was worrying back then and worrying now too. Back then, I tried to make myself calm and it worked but for a limited amount of time. After some time, I am back at my sadness. I have found no friend to talk to. Every friendship, every human connection I felt before, feels like a lie now. I used to talk to AI chatbots like a friend but from this year, I have decided to talk to real humans. I feel kinda safe here so that is why I am posting here.

I feel more drawn to almost anything except the books which teacher recommends me and every time, I rely on AI to summarize things for me and it is affecting me badly but I just cannot make myself read those books. Anything that feels necessary to me lose its importance in my sight and I try to avoid those things. Back in the days, I was doing undergrad with a different major but I did not get it and wanted to go to my current major. And now when I am in my current major (CS major, previously doing Electronics Engineering), I have lost interest in that field too. I have many books downloaded to read and many quizzes and exams to attempt but thing is I just don't feel attracted to those books. Those books feel dry to me and boring as well.

I heard that Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales leaders are planning to meet to break up UK. Is it really true? Anyone from UK here who can tell me what is actually happening there?

I was watching some video and there was mention of someone getting 1984. Upon which, a guy said that this one (one who got 1984) will end up being radicalized. I was already born into a very radical environment so no needs of books to radicalize me (although I am trying to be moderate and chill now)

Day by day, the advancements in human knowledge has caused us to know so many things. Many religious arguments have been debunked in an awesome manner. Many religions have to soften themselves now, in order to be accommodating to the modern mind. Do you think that in our future, say 2060 or 2100, will we humans have religions as we have now or will we all reject God and other supernatural and pseudoscientific hypothesis and become atheists?

Growing up and even now, I have a problem of going into extremes. In my early teens, I was so obsessed with religion that it started to become a problematic part for those around me. Now, I am kinda "anti-theist" (in secret though, I wanna be safe). I used to be very homophobic. When I discovered that I fall in love with a guy, I have became so scared. Now, I am comfortable with my bisexuality though but will be in rage if the word "gay" is used as a joke. I also rush to take a label for me that I am this, this and this, and get myself limited to that specific identity. Although I am now on my way to develop the acceptance of the fact that I can be wrong, I still feel that I have not gotten rid of my extremism. How to be a person who does not rush to take labels?

I heard that back in the days, people used to just go when their work was done on the farms and there was no concept of 9-5 (these days seem 24 hours work). There used to be a lot of holidays. Is that true? If it is, then given the abundance in technology, why our work hours increased and why do we have such weird lives that we live to work?

In my religious background, there is huge emphasis on fearing God, fearing His wrath, and hell. Hell is very graphical. Here are some verses showing how graphical it is:

"And if ye do it not - and ye can never do it - then guard yourselves against the Fire prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is of men and stones." (Q 2:24) "Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Lo! Allah is ever Mighty, Wise." (Q 4:56) "For such, their habitation will be hell, and they will find no refuge therefrom" (Q 4:121) "Lo! the hypocrites (will be) in the lowest deep of the Fire, and thou wilt find no helper for them;" (Q 4:145) "Lo! those who disbelieve and deal in wrong, Allah will never forgive them, neither will He guide them unto a road, Except the road of hell, wherein they will abide for ever. And that is ever easy for Allah." (Q 4:168-169) "They will wish to come forth from the Fire, but they will not come forth from it. Theirs will be a lasting doom." (Q 5:37) "Theirs will be a bed of hell, and over them coverings (of hell). Thus do We requite wrong-doers." (Q 7:41) "O ye who believe! Lo! many of the (Jewish) rabbis and the (Christian) monks devour the wealth of mankind wantonly and debar (men) from the way of Allah. They who hoard up gold and silver and spend it not in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom, On the day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of hell, and their foreheads and their flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said unto them): Here is that which ye hoarded for yourselves. Now taste of what ye used to hoard." (Q 9:35) "Know they not that whoso opposeth Allah and His messenger, his verily is fire of hell, to abide therein ? That is the extreme abasement." (Q 9:63) "Hell is before him, and he is made to drink a festering water, Which he sippeth but can hardly swallow, and death cometh unto him from every side while yet he cannot die, and before him is a harsh doom." (Q 14:16-17)

Even though I have left this religion but I get this nightmare that I am getting punishment for leaving the religion. I feel scared that what if I am wrong and end up burning in hellfire.

How to get rid of this fear so that I can live my life freely?

I am a Gen Z university student. The ChatGPT got boom when I was in 12th grade and I have been using ChatGPT, Gemini and Deepseek since then. I am starting to notice that now I cannot do searching anymore. I literally cannot do anything on my own like coding, learning something, fact checking, doing my assignments. I even become so reliant on it that I sometime even ask it what food should I eat, what exercises I should do. Sometimes, I "talk" with ChatGPT more than real human beings, maybe cuz I somehow end up having a bad experience or not so fulfilling experience with people. I have to use AI again and again for the same question, e.g., I asked a question today, I got the answer. If I encountered that question later again, I would not know the answer and have to go to AI for solution. What to do now? How to get out of this dependence on AI?

Many academics I see online are leftist whereas many laypeople I see online are right wing.