A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
“It is unfair how I am treated,” he said, “the moment I see a female and say ‘hello there female’ they always leave after saying something. I don’t know what they said because I wasn’t listening but they are being very rude.”
“I don’t understand what it is that makes women seem uncomfortable around me... likely they are just intimidated to be in the presence of a real alpha man like me. I don’t blame them for that.”
I know you're joking but that last paragraph made me throw up in my mouth a little bit
It's not really a joke, that's just two paragraphs from the article copy/pasted.
Any wedding where the bride is allowed to speak, and wear clothes, is doomed to fail.
hyoomahn feeemales
Wait, where's the part where he calls a woman a *fat whore who can keep chasing Chad but she better not come crying to him when she turns 30 and hits the wall?
*about 75% of this is just a reworded comment I saw today on an article about dating in my city.
Of course. They're pronouncing it wrong.
Gotta gotta rhyme with tamales.
I love the scent of a female.
I find there's nothing better than harvesting the scent of a female in a tank, with flower petals of course, and then scrapings it off thier skin. Someday I hope to use it in all five chords of a fragrance.
That's what we were instructed to use to refer to a subset of our platoon-mates while working, in those rare cases where it made a difference. One of my DS, an MP from Halifax, would absolutely tear a strip off you if she heard you say 'girl' or 'woman', in barely comprehensible English out from under that scary red Beret, and you knew the woe was coming.
As a recovered Marine, I know too well how sexist the military is especially under the guise of "nomenclature."
In my native language it's highly offensive to call a woman a female. Didn't know that's the thing in English.
At the same time we call children "human larve" and everyone is ok with that
It really really rubs most of us the wrong way. Yet, for whatever reason, stupid men are taught that it is ok to call us "females". It is like we are corpses. Things. Not even people.
I don't understand why "gal" isn't used more. It's "woman"s single-syllable sister and also isn't infantilizing like using "girl" can be.
I only ever hear gals use it, usually in group settings. It really is a shame. It just feels dated for whatever reason in other contexts, I guess.
I have such a weird take on this, due to being in the military for so long. We absolutely do refer to one another as "males" and "females".
Ie. "There was a female SSgt that was really helpful in customer service" or "I had to remind a male Soldier to put on his cover when he left the building" or "I had a female troop once".
However, I try really hard when I'm speaking to a non-military member to switch up my phrasing. Sometimes I still slip up, and I gotta be like "shit, sorry, I mean that woman cashier over there" or whatever it is that I'm talking about.
I will say though, I do distinctly remember having that conversation during basic training, and fucking hating being referred to as "female" in the beginning, and that thought being shared amongst my flightmates. I can still hear the TIs shouting from across the parking lot: "GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW, FE-MALE!" Ugh.
It was just 16 years ago now, so "female" has become normalized.
In your first examples, you are using female as an adjective. A female troop, a female Sargent, a male soldier. That's usually fine. Even "that female cashier over there" is probably fine. However if you say "that female over there" or like you pointed out, "get over here right now, female" or really any other instance where female is used as a noun instead of an adjective, that's where it becomes gross. It's all about adjective vs noun. Adjective: usually fine. Noun: usually not.
Hahahuaha jokes on them, they don't know I have a cat so I am sharing a chair with a female at this exact moment in time!