Ask Lemmy

Was at a bar with some friends and talking with one of them, who happened to be a rather attractive woman. She was not my girlfriend, I'll explain the relationship below...

The bar was a dive in the town that we frequented often on Saturday nights. A guy walked up and started talking with my friend and pointedly getting in between us, telling her that he was a "Skydiver" and that he had just jumped that day. She acted suitably impressed and made ooh and ahhh noises when he told her about the Tandem jump he had done that day.

My relationship to that woman? She jumped the tail slot on my 4-way team and we had done 11 training jumps just that day. She also was also north of 2000 jumps at the time and jumped with me competitively.

Oh and the guy's tandem master that day was her husband.

It didn't take long for the guy to run away with his tail firmly tucked between his legs. She had a very sharp tongue when annoyed.

Knew this guy, very full of himself, thought of himself as an underapppreciated genius. He applied to a software dev position at a large tech firm (having barely enough qualifications), somehow bullshitted his way through the interviews, and got hired for a $250,000 senior dev position. Of course I got to hear how smart and how much of a badass he was throughout this process.

Then two months later... he is terminated for underperforming / failing the trial period. And I got to hear how everyone just ganged up on him, how he was "persecuted", how his manager set him up to fail, and how HR was vindictive.

Although he got to keep the money and the sign-on bonus...

I was walking to college and a middle aged guy was sat at the red light in his new Porsche convertible. I have never been interested in Porsches, but I guess he mistook my "is it safe to cross the street" eye contact as deep interest in, and probably jealousy for, his stupid car.

He started revving behind me, and the instant the light turned green he took off on his left turn and oversteered into a ditch. I'll never forget how angry he was with his car, as if it were the car's fault that he was a douchenozzle.

Worked in a restaurant as a teen, in a kitchen that opened onto the bar area, so the head chef was working directly next to where customers entered. The head chef specifically requested this set up because he liked to talk and customers gave him more people to talk to, but it also gave the rest of us a front row view of complainers getting ripped apart. I watched him spend 10 minutes in the middle of service picking every scrap out meat out of a pasta dish and pile it into a roughly steak shape to prove to a whiny customer there was plenty of beef in her dish.
Anyway, the really good ones where when people responded that they knew/would complain to the owner, as he'd call "the owner" then dramatically overact answering his own phone and having a conversation with himself about if he knew them. I've heard he's started doing a stupid double act with his daughter now she works there, but only sporadically visit now so I haven't been able to see it.

Was riding around in a little Honda with my friend, who was about 6'3 and 240lbs of solid muscle. Well some road rager didn't like our driving, and got out of his car at a light while we were a few cars back and walked towards us. About halfway, my friend just steps out of the Honda, and the guy freezes in his tracks, hesitates, and walked directly back to his car without a word. The other people stopped at the light were laughing

In middle school a mean girl didn't like that I was getting along with the boy she liked. She said that I was small, and I had no idea what she was talking about. They guy had to explain she meant my chest. I had gym with this girl and knew for a fact she stuffed her bra, I did not.

One time I was walking home at night, super drunk and high, walking in circles for hours. At one point some idiots started following me, acting tough but only really being brave enough to walk a couple of metres behind me.

At one point one of them yelled "You're fucked now! We know where you live!"

Dude, I don't even know how to get home myself.

A coworker I've worked at 3 jobs with and trained at 2 of them left the 3rd company we were at together for a better paying job doing something similar and basically taking the department from one client to hopefully several. Kid was really cocky, if you knew the concept of what we do but you were never hands on, he sounds like an expert. He's not.

He text me one day to let me know he stole one of our longest clients. He was really smug about it, asking me if our sales guy knew yet. Bro, you worked here 3 years, you know they're system is FUCKED and because it's fucked they're hard to deal with. Whatever, we've for more work than we can handle right now, have fun with that.

A few months go by and that client calls up my coworker for an emergency. Coworker reminds him they don't get the client rate anymore, they should probably call old coworker. They say he's been there three times, can't identify the problem. My coworker goes out there, finds out they had no idea when they hired this company it was old coworker who would be their person. Turns out, they went with the new company because they didn't want HIM back in their town 🤣 they bitched and complained about him the ENTIRE TIME my coworker was there. (He found the problem by the way, that was easy to find).

Guess someone let it slip that they had called us and he had to have a meeting with them about "violating their contract." Where he got verbally ripped to shreds, explained to exactly how much money he cost them, that they left us to avoid him to begin with, and that we found the problem in one half an hour visit not 3 nearly all day visits. From what I heard he looked like a toddler that got caught with his hands in the cookie jar and looked like he was about to cry. So much for being a cocky dick that he stole our contract.

I left that company recently (moved across the country), I've been told they've already signed next years contract with my old company, his company doesn't even get a chance to bid. As well as several other clients have used him for random emergencies and come back to tell my coworkers "holy fuck that place has NO IDEA what theyre doing!" Smug little shit might end up getting fired.

in HS I dated this chick. after awhile we really weren't that into each other but still kind and of stayed together.

introduce some random dude she had been friends with since she was like 6. dude stared me down hard like he wanted to square up. I just ignored him. a week later she broke up with me because she was fooling around with him. meh, whatever.

following weekend I see them together and he's got this big fuckin grin on his face as they walk up to me. ex and I exchange pleasantries and as they walk away this douchy mother fucker says to me, "I guess I won."

I looked the guy dead ass in the face and told him, "One mans trash is another mans treasure."

She obviously got bent and started screaming, he got up in my face and wanted to throw down and I'm just laughing.

don't treat women as trophies kids, and don't make it a competition. so glad I left that inbred cesspool.

In middle-school a bully wanted to hurt me for some reason. I didn't knew him at all.

There were several people around us. He kicked me once in the thigh. I felt nothing because I have strong muscles there for some reason. I didn't move and said nothing. He left because he failed at bullying.

The Iran War

Someone in high school, walking behind me with his arm around his girlfriend honking her tiddy decided to try to make me look bad.

He said "Damn D3k0y, did you forget to iron your jeans?" I turned around to see who said it, which is how I witnessed the honking and didn't even say anything.

My brother... who the fuck irons jeans?

To be honest I don't know if the point was to make me look bad, or just get someone to witness his grip.