OP, I 100% feel you and understand you. I hated myself my entire life...that's multiple decades of hatred. People that want you to practice self love don't always realize the difficulty in this. One simply cannot move from lifelong self hatred to self love. It's much too far and dramatic of a leap.

I had a somewhat traumatic thing happen to me that felt like something snapped in my brain. But it gave me a sort of realization. I am a human being.

You know what that is? It's a factual statement. It's not trying to overcompensate by showering myself with love. It's simply a completely 100% and totally true fact.

But look deeper into it. What does it imply? What is your view of any one human being? Humans are messy. Humans feel such a wide range of emotions...joy, despair, ecstasy, depression, anger, hatred, fear, curiosity, apathy, anxiety, jealousy, etc. Humans are not robots. People would always ask me why I was so hard on myself and I always thought "well it's because I know better than to [fill in the blank with whatever you want]". But that's not how living creatures work. That's how it works if you're a robot. You input a code and a result is outputted. That's not how it works for a living, breathing creature.

We like to think that we are so far superior to the creatures like squirrels and birds outside our windows. But we in reality are not so different. We are these wondrous and confusing creatures made of flesh and electricity. We don't always make sense. And the important bit in all of this is that any living being deserves a chance for compassion and empathy and understanding.

I started to make it my mantra. I would say it to myself often. "You are a human being." I started journaling about things when I would get upset. I would write about why I was upset. And in the end I would write something like that to myself. "It's ok that you feel X. Because you are a human being." And then I would come up with a positive thing to do next in my journal entry (like treating myself to a cup of coffee, or deciding to do a puzzle, or deciding to go have a friendly chat with someone, or deciding to watch a movie, etc.).

I didn't always journal about it. I would think about it or say it to myself periodically. Always remember. It's a factual statement. You cannot argue with it, even if sometimes you feel "not human".

I have absolutely never been one to journal. But doing this over and over again really got that to stick and I don't feel the need to say it to myself much anymore.

Another thing I have been doing ever since is that I started wearing these cheesy motivational wristbands. I have worn them nearly every single day since last fall. The words are written on the inside so the message is only for me. The one I wear the most says "fighter" on it. I feel like these things in combination really helped me a lot.

You got this, OP. Sorry for the length lol.

Here's a generic list of things to start with

• Remove bad influences, people with depression are often find or attract bad influences. Try to reflect on if your friends/family are good or bad for your mental health, and try to distance yourself accordingly
• Start small. Right now, do a small thing. Is there a candy wrapper on your desk? Throw it away. Now you've done more than nothing to take care about yourself. You don't have to clean your entire house, room nor even your entire desk. You have the rest of your life to handle all of that, today a candy wrapper will do
• Sleep, sun, sustinence. These are sort of "hard factors" in mental health, you don't have to enjoy it - but sleeping enough, eating regular meals and being outside atleast once per day is paramount. If you can't force yourself to take care of your mind, you can force yourself to take care of your body
• Try to form routines. Start small, but try to brush your teeth every day, wake up the same time, go for a walk. Don't start everything at once, just one at a time until it sticks.

Work on your negative self-talk.

Each time you remember something and cringe or insult yourself, you overwrite that memory with you feeling shitty about it. It's a terrible feedback mechanism.

Instead, laugh at your silly mistakes, celebrate your successes and failures, and forgive yourself.

It will take a long time to unwind the stuff you have done to yourself, but this is one technique you can just start doing - recognize when you are beating yourself up and do a little better.

Change how you talk to yourself. Speak as you would to a close friend or family, with compassion and empathy. It will take a long time, but every time you catch yourself speaking badly to yourself, stop and correct it. It'll feel dumb but keep at it.

I'm trying to actively do habits that will lead to personal growth. At the moment that's surgery rehab (exercise), study for employment and learning the bass guitar because it's a nice mid-life crisis. I find when I've put effort into these things each day the hate lifts, sometimes even goes away.

It's hard but I work towards my goals however much it feels like I'm walking through mud. I've lost enough time to self loathing, I grieve that lost time by being active now. All within reason, I don't want to turn positive habits into their own issue.

I dunno how quite to explain it, but for a long time I thought I needed to be nice to me, but it turns out I had it backwards -- it is the me that needs to be nice to the I. Like, my inner critic is off the rails again saying mean things, so he's obviously cranky. Maybe I need to take him on a walk, or make him a little snack, or put him down for a nap. It's okay, bud, I know you had a tough day yesterday and you're just saying that mean stuff cuz you're in pain, it's okay we'll get you tucked in. I know you don't mean that, I won't take it personally.

You make a daily habit of writing down 5 things you did well each day and/or that you are proud of, and continue for at least a month.

I would recommend getting a separate notebook for this so you can look back after the month.

The size of things you're writing down can be as big or small as you like. You can be proud you chewed your food well, got a compliment, stood up for yourself or achieved world peace, just make sure there's five each day.

Accomplish things that you, right now, identify as something to be proud of.

Then reflect.

So like, ever summited a mountain? If you're able bodied and there's one near my, go hike it. Bet there's a rewarding view at the top.

Then when that automatic negative thought comes up, squash it. "I suck. Oh wait no, I climbed a mountain the other day. That was rad. Im awesome."

we tend to have these little goals and if we don't achieve them we feel ourselves unworthy despite all the things we have done. I can point to all sorts of stuff I have done over my life and im sure its more than 50% of the population has done but there are always folks that have done more or better. It would help if our modern society treated all citizens with respect and made sure there was a floor on modern existence and made it a point to give people as much time to find themselves as is possible.