Hey, Maya —

First off, congratulations on becoming an “outdoors person.” Three years ago, you thought mosquitoes were government drones. Now you own boots with names like “Expedition Carbon Ultra GTX.” People change.

I’m happy for you.

Which is why I’d like to offer you fifteen thousand dollars to pretend you never invited me.

Seriously.

Take it.

Use it for backpacks, trekking poles, tiny titanium spoons, or whatever mysterious economy hikers have built among themselves.

I simply cannot spend my Saturday voluntarily climbing a mountain whose greatest achievement is being taller than the parking lot.