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Golden rule (lemmy.nz)
submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by Mistakes@sopuli.xyz to c/onehundredninetysix@lemmy.blahaj.zone

You love to see it

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[-] ExLisper@lemmy.curiana.net 162 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Fun fact: choking during sex is the second most common cause of stroke in women under 40. Source.

When you cut off blood supply to the brain you start damaging it real fast. There are studies measuring blood biomarkers of neural injury and inflammation in women who report being chocked during sex and it's clear that choking causes brain damage. According do experts there's no safe way to do it. It's just another disturbing, violent trend popularized by porn.

[-] Trainguyrom@reddthat.com 1 points 10 hours ago

According do experts there’s no safe way to do it.

I always heard that you/your partner should squeeze the sides of the neck so that it gives the sensation of being choked without actually blocking air/bloodflow

[-] aldhissla@beehaw.org 1 points 18 hours ago

Blaming sexual violence on porn seems the same kind of cheap virtue-signalling as blaming gun violence on video games.

Being choked feels good. Your partner sometimes asks you to choke them, sometimes in the heat of the action.

The most important thing is that there really is no safe way to do it, and it should be never done. Upvoted your post for visibility. For the sceptics, here is an article (in German) about one medical doctor accidentally killing another during sex.

[-] Notyou@sopuli.xyz 100 points 2 days ago

Thankfully my wife is over 40, so it looks like we dodged that bullet.

[-] Squirrelanna@lemmy.blahaj.zone 24 points 2 days ago

Why does it have to be about violence and porn? Talk about the dangers all you want but that shit just genuinely feels like crack. You get flooded with brain chemicals that feel euphoric. Focus on the important bits about the risks rather than applying stupid moral judgements.

[-] itsjustachairmary@lemmy.world 11 points 2 days ago

Ok but you do realize how comparing it to crack is not helping here right

Like I'm more than happy to also warn people to stay tf away from crack lol

[-] Squirrelanna@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 1 day ago

I'm not disagreeing that it's dangerous, I'm saying the moralizing is unnecessary and pointless when it has real, addictive effects to focus on instead.

[-] velma@sh.itjust.works 28 points 2 days ago

Thank you for speaking up and posting this source. I know you and I haven't historically gotten on well, but I fully agree with you here.

[-] Amarlune@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago

Mfw I browse the fediverse daily and am aware of some of the conflict that has gone down between y'all. I am on Lemmy too much lmao

[-] okwhateverdude@lemmy.world 23 points 2 days ago

The euphoria is from the hypoxia, I think. In which case, a similar high could be had by scheduling sexy times in an oxygen tent mountain climbers and endurance athletes use for training.

[-] ExLisper@lemmy.curiana.net 34 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

It has nothing to do with euphoria. From the source:

In 2021, a research team led by Debby Herbenick, provost professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, interviewed 24 women aged 18 to 33 in depth about their experiences of strangulation during sex. Although, for most, their first experience had involved no prior discussion – including one who was having sex for the first time – the majority now viewed it as “routine and regular”. All believed it was safe, despite experiencing many physical reactions, including coughing, gasping, difficulty swallowing and breathing and vision changes. Some said they accepted being choked for their partner’s pleasure, even though they didn’t personally find it arousing. Others did enjoy it and sought it out as “adventurous” and “exciting”.

The paper notes that historically, autoerotic asphyxiation is rare among women and adds, “It is curious how sexual asphyxiation, which has long been described as predominantly engaged in by/for men’s arousal, has become so frequently enacted by men on women partners.”

Bows makes the same point. “What’s not being talked about is that this is happening overwhelmingly to women by men. If you accept what people will argue – that this is an activity that’s enjoyed because it’s ‘sensual’ – then why aren’t men the recipients more often? To me, it’s just another way we’ve culturally legitimised men harming women.”


It just keeps going like that. It's really wroth reading.

[-] protist@retrofed.com 14 points 2 days ago

"then why aren’t men the recipients more often?"

I'd be interested to know the source on this, because I know plenty men who are into this. Even in the paragraph prior it states, "sexual asphyxiation, which has long been described as predominantly engaged in by/for men’s arousal."

That said, full consent and knowledge about the potential long-term physical harm are absolutely critical

[-] ExLisper@lemmy.curiana.net 13 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

It says "The paper notes that historically, autoerotic asphyxiation is rare among women". So it seams to suggest that before choking your partner became common it was mostly men to chocked themselves while masturbating. Now it's mostly men that choke women. It doesn't say it doesn't happen to men, just that women were not into it before and now it happens to them more.

[-] basiclemmon98@lemmy.dbzer0.com 12 points 2 days ago

idk if you were trying to be funny or not, but it is driving me INSANE:

choking*

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[-] ThatWeirdGuy1001@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Yeah if you're actually choking your partner you're doing it wrong

Lightly squeezing someone's throat during sex is choking only in name. You're not supposed to full on choke them out.

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[-] chicken@lemmy.dbzer0.com 36 points 2 days ago

This highlights a big flaw in the golden rule: people want different things

[-] tigeruppercut@lemmy.zip 25 points 2 days ago

Perhaps unsurprisingly this has been a thing in philosophy of ethics for awhile now. Copper rule gang rise up!

Copper Rule:

Do (or don't do) unto others as they would (or would not) have you do unto them

Basically treat people how they want to be treated.

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[-] uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone 18 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

When I was in the kink community breath control was a big no-no. There's a significant enough risk of putting your partner in shock, and in the 1990s police were not very understanding of death by heavy erotic play.

Of course the US may currently be in the stage Russia was in 2011 (and still is) of YOLO high-risk selfies.

[-] Psythik@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

Yeah just huff nitrous during sex instead. It gets you the same pleasurable feeling (better, actually), and you won't fucking die from oxygen starvation.

[-] Mistakes@sopuli.xyz 5 points 2 days ago

Most people that I've met as well as myself and my partners don't actually do breath play of any variety. Just firm pressure applied to the sides of the neck, to reduce risk slightly. I understand it's still not a completely safe activity, but we're all consenting adults.

[-] pineapplelover@lemmy.dbzer0.com 50 points 2 days ago

Thought this was a Miisha post

[-] Mistakes@sopuli.xyz 24 points 2 days ago

Honestly me too

[-] SillyDude@lemmy.zip 36 points 2 days ago

This is exactly what happened to me. I had never been choked, nor had I ever choked someone. Was making out with girl, she was on top of me, and then started choking me. I was so confused and horny. Eventually asked her about it and yes, that is what she wanted done to her. Like Jesus, just say so.

[-] nightlily@leminal.space 14 points 2 days ago

If the British government browsed Lemmy, they’d be very upset right now.

[-] Mistakes@sopuli.xyz 15 points 2 days ago

I hope they do, fuck the British government.

[-] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago

They'd be upset anyways since there are trans people and people who understand that Israel is doing genocide in Gaza here

[-] rockSlayer@lemmy.blahaj.zone 39 points 2 days ago

Remember kids, learn how to do it safely before you try it in the bedroom!

[-] velma@sh.itjust.works 39 points 2 days ago

Unfortunately, there is no truly safe way to choke. It's always a risk. But please, please do look into it before choking anyone and always get consent first.

I also have a rule that no choking is allowed if the people involved are under the influence of anything. It's too risky.

[-] HexesofVexes@lemmy.world 15 points 2 days ago

"Never drink and dom" was the one we learned, right after "safe, sane, and consensual".

[-] hypnicjerk@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago

choking is pretty firmly outside of the ssc framework because it cannot be done safely. if you want to practice sexual asphyxiation, you're looking for a risk aware consensual kink model.

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[-] user224@lemmy.sdf.org 24 points 2 days ago

TIL: When people refer to choking during sex, it's actually choking.

I thought it was just called that way, in a similar way to "choker" being a close-fitting necklace, just lightly pinning down someone by their neck. Not strangulation.

[-] Funkt4st1c@lemmy.world 25 points 2 days ago

Some people definitely want just like a hand necklace, gentle, no pressure. A LOT of people want to actually asphyxiate. My wife, for example.

This distinction has caused much confusion. Safer to assume the first option.

Btw you should tipi your hand a bit so they dont like, actually die. Were here to have fun and all.

[-] treesapx@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago

Don't assume anything and just ask. It's very sexy to ask.

[-] velma@sh.itjust.works 24 points 2 days ago

That can also cause damage, just FYI. There's a lot of invisible damage that can happen to the delicate tissues of the neck and throat.

[-] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Yeah, I'm somewhat experienced in kink irl (been pretty involved in scenes for most of my adult life and have been an edge player in some form for a lot of it) and choking is way more dangerous than people think. People will point to blood choking (squeezing the arteries at the side of the neck) or air deprivation as the "safe" way to do it, and yes, they're safer than windpipe choking, but any time you are depriving a brain of fresh oxygen to the point it's noticeable there is a chance it will cause permanent damage. For anyone who's interested in learning more Jay Wiseman is the traditional go to on this specific topic.

Your body, your life, your decision what risks you take, but personally it's the only kink that the more I've learned about safety regarding it the less willing to take part in it I've been.

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[-] fonix232@fedia.io 30 points 2 days ago

people into choking want consensual choking.

this was anything but.

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[-] random_signal@leminal.space 23 points 2 days ago

I misread the nickname as Miistakes and thought that this is Miishas alt account

[-] wowwoweowza@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago
[-] Smorty@lemmy.blahaj.zone 17 points 2 days ago

hmm naw not like this, I'd rather like stroke their cheek all nicely and give them a kiss ~

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this post was submitted on 17 Oct 2026
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