Asklemmy

From my grandma (who got it from her father):

"Of course the story is true, it just didn't happen"

Essentially, the story is more important than the actual event.

"You make a better door than you do a window." ...Anytime we got in front of the TV.

My great grandma would say: "There's nothing bad which would not result in something good."

"How'd you seem to be this morning?"

My mother’s requests for us to calm down escalated over the years: “Cool your jets” “Don’t get your underwear in a wad” “Don’t get caught in your zipper”

My grandfather: "Life is hard only for those who are soft."

Mom says that my great grandmother had a notorious potty mouth. Whenever she'd get up off the chair she'd yell "oh, this heavy ass of mine!" ("Ay, este culo tan pesado!")

i've heard my appalachian dialect speaking grandmother use the word "quit" in the like 1700's british sense of "to leave." that, and she used to say that she was going to do something "directly" like "we're going to the store, directly." such archaic speech patterns.

the word "appalachia" is pronounced "app uh latch uh" btw

"Tables are for glasses, not asses."
~ My grandpa, whenever someone sat on a table.

"Save every five minutes and never buy Packard Bell."

The good old days weren't always so good

When they didn't get a hug first, we'd get "What am I, chopped liver."

My grandfather was always "fair to middlin'"

"Pull my finger."

The same one I'm still using today: "Kill all Nazis."

My grandmother would describe the phenomenon of raining while the sun is shining as The Devil beating his wife.

"Because God loves Ireland!" after any question they might no tknow the answer for

Everytime my Nana would send an email or leave a voicemail, she would sign off "Ciao for now!"

Not good luck, good management. Luck is not a strategy.

Talking about making plans and thinking ahead.

Whenever we got a minor injury like on our knee, he would tell us "I can hurt the other one so you can't tell which hurts more"

When we would go fishing, he always ended up sitting on a "barking spider"

The one I borrowed from him to great effect is "beer has water in it" whenever he was told to drink water

Mz granddad used to say "Life is hard and unfair." whenever we complained about stupid shit.

From my grandma, Est la Fromage, such is cheese, sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s bitter, sometimes it stinks like Limburger.

Whenever my Grandfather, a WWII combat veteran, saw something he didn't approve of: "The things you see when they don't let you carry a gun any more...".

My other Grandfather didn't really have any funny phrases, but my Nana when she didn't approve of something would just use the "Well, that's a how modern people do things I suppose". It was really the only complaint she'd make, the only time I ever saw her lose her temper with someone was the day I got into a traffic accident and she had to be physically restrained from going after the driver for hurting her grandchild hahaha (I was the passenger).

In like Flynn.

What does that even mean?

"... So I said, 'I do too know how to dig a hole! I say [racial slur], dig me hole!', Hahahaha!!!"

I learned more than I wanted to as a kid...

(Insert place) was so empty you could throw a cow through it!

My grandma, having to call for help but doesn’t know who of the many kids are around: hey, hey human who was named

Translation takes away from it.

"Things are the way they are."

Seriously.

"Putang ina." ("Son of a whore")

They said this charming Filipino phrase whenever I did something stupid. So, often enough to count as a catchphrase.

Don't pass up the opportunity to have sex or take a shit: you'll always regret it.

Take me out back and shoot me.

A whistling woman or a whistling hen, will drive the devil from his den.

(My wife's grandfather, not mine.)