Eskarina

Hey everyone~~

oh no, it's been two months since I've posted anything around here, when I was looking for help. Seems like I'm way less interested in being terminally online when I'm living my best life.

So just a quick catch up: Been wearing skirts out pretty much exclusively and am loving it. Strangers have been less derogatory than I expected, I can still count the vocally bad encounters on my fingers. Something I didn't consider for a second in the anxiety around this I've had before - there's also people who just treat me better, warmer than I'm used to. Mostly women, actually.

Thanks to your kind advice I took more control over my journey, which felt incredibly good, mostly. Was lucky enough to find a gynecologist who gave me a private prescription of my first estradiol gel following informed consent, more or less. Dosage is on the low end, planning on increasing next week and hopefully adding some blockers into the mix.

Also contacted some more therapists and found someone very kind, who sent me the written indication I need to get access to HRT through health care. It got lost in the mail, though, second attempt should be out tomorrow x).

Last but not least, started a new job (software engineering, of course), which is exhausting, but also a pretty nice opportunity. That old trade-off, time or money, pick one - yikes. Had some downers lately as well, dysphoria is kicking in really bad at times, but I'll manage.

Well, today was a very special day. I went to the local registry office and officially changed my name and gender. It took three months of waiting and now I own an updated birth certificate with my new name and identity.

Didn't really expect this, but I can hardy describe how good that felt - I've had literal tears of joy. I'm not sure I ever had these, from laughing maybe, but not from pure, unadulterated joy. Such an amazing relief, to finally be able to do the paperwork to get rid of that old name.

One of my best friends accompanied me today, he was really sweet. He gave me a small rag doll and a lighter, explained that's deadname and I shall burn him and bury him somewhere. Absolutely gonna do that :>

Well, that's all for now, just had to shout this out somewhere.

Thanks for being here and being yourselves <3

Hey everyone,

so yeah, yesterday I went to a psychiatrist that's been referred to me by a local trans support center. They said he'd have relatively low waiting times, I got the appointment after waiting another month in that shit male body of mine. Read a bit about that psychiatrist, there have been some bad experiences by some clients, but the general consensus seemed to be that he does give people what they need eventually. And what I need right now is access to gender-affirming healthcare, starting with HRT.

I've been really anxious about this appointment, but the last few days that mostly dissolved and I became really hopeful. After all, the support center even said I should also make an appointment with a gynecologist or endocrinologist right away so that I wouldn't have to wait for that appointment as well. Now I have to cancel it.

The appointment has been a reality check. He said he's never giving anyone the go after a single session. He's working after some fucked guidelines that expect trans people to live as their felt gender for a whole fucking year without HRT. I was pretty shaken after this and he let through that it might be sooner, but I'd at least have to wait til midyear.

Really eyeing DIY rn, but I'm scared that would bring me further away from other gender-affirming care and the psychiatrist let me in the dark about whether he'd proceed working with me if I'd go that route.

I fucking hate this. I've been waiting almost 30 years to finally find out who I am, suffering from depression, anxiety and addiction, and now I have to keep on waiting and waiting and keep on suffering because some entitled white coats think they'd have to gatekeep my cure, "to make sure it's not just a phase". I'm a grown woman and able to make up my own mind about my gender, ffs. Got the saddest and angriest I've been since cracking my egg. Would've loved to just break down crying when going home, but had to wait until I journeyed home.

There's no doubt that I'll get through this, because for the first time in my life I'm looking into the future with the hope of actually living a happy life. It's ironic, I've never been able to fight depression and addiction long-term, I was waiting for something and didn't know what it is. Now that I finally know what it is I'm forced to keep on waiting. Another bit of irony, in earlier therapies I've been pressed to get on antidepressants even though I never felt comfortable about this. Now the right medicine is sitting right there and I have to fight to even get a chance to try it.

Ugh, hope your week started better than mine.

Feel free to share, especially interested in experiences and advice from german trans women, but everyone is welcome. I do realize I'm somewhat complaining on a high level here, at least I got an actual shot at getting the care I need eventually, the care we'd all deserve.

Playing on https://piefed.blahaj.zone/c/onehundredninetysix/p/597321/i-was-a-rule