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Dating advice
(lemmy.nz)
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this post was submitted on 09 Oct 2026
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Women don't know what men find attractive.
Some men don't know what women look like without make-up, but plenty of men genuinely prefer women without make-up. They certainly don't care about fashion. Glasses are rarely a turn-off. Plenty like retainers/braces.
It's not unlikely the college room-mate thought she was at her ugliest, when in reality she'd turned herself into catnip for her future husband.
It's a bit like guys who think women will find them attractive if they become a roided out super monster, but in reality they'll only attract interest (sexual or otherwise) from other guys.
It’s also kinda hot when a woman lets you see her without being all done up. It’s like a secret privilege of trust.
And it shows she not insecure about it. Confidence is attractive.
Well, it's sometimes exciting to be let into that level of intimacy, but it kinda presupposes a woman who normally has a fairly complex hair/makeup routine letting you see her without it. If going without makeup is the norm, then it's not that intimate to be able to see the norm.
I’ve felt the same way about women bending over.
Obviously, peering at someone’s ass can lean towards creepy or voyeuristic. Any woman knows this - many changed over to squatting to pick things up even when alone. So, if she’s okay with a full bend, even if the guy barely even looks, it’s a separate “trust kink” - that she knows he’s there and doesn’t anticipate his mind objectifying her that way.
My wife will scold me for not looking. I love her for that.
Oh my god, you think women bending at the waist is a deliberate invitation to look at their ass?
That's not really what I meant; just that passed-down wisdom often leads women to caution each other it's a common (albeit undeserved) consequence.
I wrote "Not anticipating his objectification" rather than "Not looking" because it's often difficult to specifically make sure someone is fully outside your field of vision the moment they reach for something on the ground.
Women should be able to pick things off the floor without having to think of how many different ways they can do so that isn't an open invitation for men to ogle their ass.
Just because a woman bends at the waist instead of squatting doesn't mean she's inviting wandering eyes.
All of that is true, and doesn’t contradict what I was saying at all.
I wasn’t interpreting anything as an “open invitation”.
What does any woman know? What is a woman communicating if she’s okay with a full bend?
Please elaborate.
A woman knows that:
(The part of the quote you snipped out). Bending over is easier, but many women change to squatting, a trickier action, specifically because of how they're viewed when doing so.
So, if a woman is in the vicinity of a guy, and chooses to bend over, she's communicating that she at least trusts that person enough not to ogle or objectify her. Guys don't experience a lot of trust from women in the modern day (generally for understandable reasons) so it's touching for them to know when people feel safe around them.
I'm sorry that wasn't communicated well; but I appreciate you asking for clarification.
Viewed by whom? Why are women viewed a certain way when they bend over?
I need to make this really clear to you - a woman bending at the waist is not communicating that she trusts the people in the room. She is not doing so knowing that you will look at her ass. She is simply existing as a woman.
Please do not move forward in your life assuming that women are subtly signaling to people that they are welcoming being objectified and sexualized.
Okay, I'm through with this. I in no way said, or implied, this statement, even going so far as to make the opposite stance, and I'm done trying to express that here.
Women aren’t communicating with people this way, either for or against being objectified.
That’s my point.
i was sharing journal excerpts with a friend yesterday and found this relevant one:
"The best advice I have regarding love and finding it is to stop trying so hard to be perfect. People don't want perfect, they want human. A lot of them just don't know it yet."
Everyone's vision of Perfection is different, so you're really gambling there... I can say that while perfection might look nice on the outside, no one's truly perfect. I don't want to see the facade, I want to see the person underneath. The blemishes and faults and unpolished truth are WAY more attractive.
I just feel like expecting perfection - regardless of how you personally define it - is foolish and sets a person up for disappointment.
It's a matching function. There are things that some people are allowed to prioritize as important that I don't care about at all. I don't care about talent/skill in music, dance, art, but I know people who do. I prefer tall women and know a bunch of people who prefer small/petite women. Some people like firm butts and some like big boobs. Some prefer women who have advanced degrees, and others don't care for it. Some can find accents sexy, while others don't. There are a million little personality quirks that can be a turn off to some and turn on for others.
Defining "perfection" isn't productive. Try to find someone who likes your strengths and doesn't mind your weaknesses, and vice versa. But that doesn't necessarily mean compromising on your important priorities just because people aren't perfect. You're still allowed to define standards.
Men care about a specific silhouette range, and specific disqualifing facial features, and then sometimes horrible personalities, and that is the total sum. Each one of those things is somewhat negotiable if other aspects are superior as well. And the bar lowers depending on the last time they've finished, unless it's been too long, then the bar goes back to baseline. Nobody is that complicated.
This seems demeaning and reductionist to both men AND women, which I feel is like an achievement in itself. Well done.
It is specifically reductionist and true almost always, so I don't consider that demeaning. Everyone wants to think they are more complex or considering but most innate decisions just aren't. People just are delusional and not introspective at all.
I could see your criteria there as a generalized filter for a second date, but nobody is making decisions about life partners based on that.
Unlike you, the smartest of the intellectuals.
It sounds like you have let your negative experiences taint your worldview.
It's not uncommon. My wife was cheated on a bunch, so it's very hard for her to accept that I have no interest in other women.
If you've experienced a bunch of rejection by men over your looks, it would also very hard to not assume that every man thinks this way.
Both are mostly just confirmation bias, though.
I can't imagine why you'd have trouble landing a quality relationship with that shining personality