Melbourne

When you admit you need help as you’re struggling but get shamed and invalidated. I’ll just go back to hiding inside my head. Reasons why I isolate myself.

Went to the aquarium yesterday, and saw this dickhead:

every time i get Minimum Sleep for Proper Function the DT collectively gets weird dreams

there must be a causation somewhere

I just got my electricity bill and thought there was a mistake because it was so low - apparently I got a $90 credit for a long power outage. It's nice to get a win.

Soooo I just got woken up by a bloke shining a torch in my fucking face. There's cops in my house. At 1am. AGAIN

Seriously.. this new kid... Nothing but trouble. Wtf

[They were looking for him, and I guess nobody told this worker which bedroom is his]

...which translated to real life, and I woke up.

I guess that was trying to tell me something...

Good night everyone and special hugs for Melbs an Melbcat

I'm in the process of writing up a care agreement for my mother's future (short version: Mum gives me house now, I take care of everything the house equity would have provided). It's a lot like drafting a pre-nup, except instead of dividing up a house you haven't bought yet and deciding custody of children that haven't been born it's all "what happens if Mum gets dementia" or "what happens if I get sick and need support too" type issues. Combined with reading lots of sobering stories about what can go wrong in caregiving and these sorts of agreements it's a bit confronting. I have just signed myself up for a fairly expensive trauma/illness insurance policy, which also has a sobering list of all sorts of terrible things that could befall me in the future.

The whole process has also made me realise something - our society's approach to aging is horribly broken. So many of the problems that happen with elderly people relate to a combination of abhorrence of the idea of aging leading to people not wanting to think/talk about options and a devaluing of carers so the job often gets foisted on vulnerable people who are often ill equipped to do the job and often exploited horribly. Add in our reverence for individual choice to be respected (which means people can lose capacity to make good decisions and no one has the power to do anything about it - refer to "scams")

Just the way we generally talk about aging is illustrative - "when I get that way, just take me out and shoot me" is often the extent of planning for the future we do, and is often used to shut down conversations trying to do anything more. One problem with that sort of concept is it treats "getting old" as a one-time event that just happens, as if everything is fine one day, and the next you reach a point where you become valueless. That concept prevents people from taking a gradual approach to winding down as they get older. It's no wonder elderly people often fight the slightest loss of independence, we set things up as an all-or-nothing situation, like walking off a cliff instead of a gentle downhill stroll.

The other problem with that is that no one actually has the power to "just" do anything - whether that be stopping you driving, "putting" you in a home, or shooting you. The only option people have to make decisions for you is if they can have you declared incompetent, both reinforcing the walking off a cliff feeling for older people and putting their family in the impossible position of being expected to look after them (both by society and earlier promises) without actually allowing the family any legal right to actually do so.

With the agreement I'm working on I hope to set things up to allow for a more dignified and gradual withdrawal from responsibility for Mum, allowing her to pass over the responsibilities that are getting harder to manage without losing choices of how she wants to live and what she wants to do. Hopefully I will be able to set myself up to eventually do the same in future.

I ordered a heater from Kmart on May 30, and someone went and lost it. Kmart sent me an email the same day that they'd sent it, but the tracking never updated and when I contacted couriers please they said they'd never received it. When I checked on the Kmart page their tracking had changed from "fully shipped" to "we're trying to find items for your order". I contacted Kmart and they just refunded me stating it had been lost in transit.

Booooo

Also the other kid stole my water jug I keep in my fridge and now I don't have cold water :(

Seeing that sleep is today's topic...

Out the front of my place there's a part of the road that dips quickly outside my bedroom. Been getting worse recently.

People fang it up and down that road and gets pretty busy at around 5am (for some reason the last few months has been crazy for a residential street). When it's a tradie with unsecured metal shit in the tray / trailer it makes an immense noise bouncing around so 5am is my new wake up time.

I think people are realising it's a short cut to avoid the nearby junction.

Once that first clang hits, it's game over. Counted 11 clangs today before 8am.

Yeah, I think I'm on the verge of the sickness.

I'm utterly fucked. Brain not work good. Body feels weird.

I know it'll get better over the next couple of days but damn, fucking with your circadian rhythm is intense.

Feeling a fair bit better. The sun is out and its a gorgeous day. I went for a drive to get a coffee and it was amazing. I just wanted to keep driving! I really REALLY missing my old car. I'd give just about anything for one last trip in it. I'd love to be standing on the dock at Cowes with a doughnut and the wind in my hair, or sitting at bar in Falls Creek with a alpine cider in my hand. Or the beach of tidal river with some fish and chips.

I heard from the family member who brought my car the other week. They love it, but financially looking to sell it cause it makes more sense for the business to expense a new one. I know I could buy it back, but it doesn't make sense. It doesn't suit the family, and its just spending money delaying the purchase of its ultimate replacement: but the replacement is still years away and I'm just stuck with the dadmobile SUV. Sigh. I shouldnt complain, especially after the events of that piece of shit mazda last year. but I can still be sad.

Bout to lose my shit at work. We're in the "Find out" stage of the FAFO process. All the pressure is somehow falling on the shoulders of the poor bloke who if we had of listened to this legend in the first place the whole mess woulda been avoidable.

I just told one part of the business "Oi, dont fuck with X or you'll break shit!" for the second time this year, because they broke shit again. They replied with "yes, but also something isnt working properly" and its taking all I have not to reply with "if ya'll stop sending bloody viruses the anti-spam will leave you alone! Until then I've had to set it to maximum cause if you leak customer data again the relevant authority is gonna have someone shot! To say nothing of what i'll do to you!"

finally slept alright last night. So yep, it was covid messing with me.

Woke up at 530, completely refreshed and not groggy. Started my day that much earlier, which was nice, but holy fudge am I completely zonked right now.

Might need a 15 min power nap at some point.

Must have been a night for odd dreams. I had several, one of which included me and another person having to have cats down our tops as we went about our work. I forgot the cat was there after a while and got worried I’d hurt it or squashed it, but when I checked the cat was comfortably curled up and asleep. The other dream about arguing with a nasty woman who wouldn’t pay me for work I’d done wasn’t so great.

Ok so the quick nap to feel refreshed lasted a couple of hours. No matter, it was to be expected.

Edit: my brain is mush. Recreational activities only for today I think. If I can muster the energy.

Tested again this morning and got the faint line, but since the stick snapped off in the vial and I had to find some tweezers to rotate it, I wouldn't be surprised if it's actually stronger.
Anyway still coughing and honking and last night I had the knives in my throat feel, so definitely not fit to work. Or be out of the house.

I fell asleep at like 5pm and slept until my alarm at 7am. That was magical.

I'm surprised the cat let me. I hadn't fed him but he didn't wake me up by pawing at his bowl, he mostly just cuddled up all night.

Also had weird dreams. The one I remember thinking was important is the one I remember the least.

I also had a nightmare where I needed to pee but all the bathrooms had piles of random boxes in them that meant I had to squeeze in and awkwardly sit there. Also they were in public places.

That one wasn't profound I just slept for 13 hours and really needed to pee.

Alright. Trying for 6am round 2 tomorrow. Goodnight everyone ❤️

There are strangely few people around. I’ve not forgotten some sort of holiday have I?

I am super keen on Out of Sight in 4k arriving in the mail today or tomorrow. One of my favourite movies (and books) suave as hell George Clooney in 4k...yes please.

Also hanging for his new movie with Brad Pitt.

Spent the arvo playing with temps and muffins on the airfryer. Now plotting all sorts of recipes. Anyone have faves? We have the ninja multicooker.

Edit: doesn't have to be muffins sorry, any multi cooker recipes will be explored

Alrighty. I'm awake. I don't want to be, but hey, I did it.

Yay: got some exciting news about some uni study I've put off for years and can finally complete. I can exercise my brain in ways I never could at work

Nay: I kind of forgot about it because it was in limbo for months, so now I need to turbocharge my brain and think of research topics ASAP.

I'm starting to find the commute to one of my jobs is really a drag, especially in winter, and I don't get as much out of being in that office now that I have my other job... I think I'm going to make it a policy that I wfh one day every other week. If I'm going to be studying again, even very very part time, I definitely need to cut down on all that BS.

I's looking nice and sunny outside, I think it is dog walk time. 🐕

Edit: dog walk has been completed. It was very pleasant, although Mr Woof took offence at a couple of other dogs daring to walk on the same street as us and at one point attempted to chase a bicycle. Miss Meow has decided it is now her turn and has claimed lap rights.

Breakfast 🍏🍎🍐🍊🍋🍈🫐🍓🍇🍉🍌🍒🍑🥭🍍🥥🥦🥑🫛🍆🍅🥝🥬🥒🌽🥕🥐🍠🫚🥔🧅🥯🍞🥖🥨🧀🧇🥞🧈🍳🥚🥓🥩🍗🍖🫓🍕🍟🍔🌭🥙🧆🌮🌯🥗🍲🍜🍝🥘🍛🍣🍱🥟🦪🍥🍘🍚🍙🐠🍤🪼🦀🐙 🍗🥮🍢🍡🍧🍰🧁🥧🍦🍨🎂🍮🍭🍬🍫🥜🌰🍪🍿🍯🥛☕️🍵🍺🍶🥤🧋🧃🥂🍷🥃🍸🍹🧉🔋

I'm a zombie again,this last week I've been having troubles falling asleep and having a good one. I don't know what's going on, I know my mind is had a part to play a with it overthinking things and any unusual noise makes it worse.

I did find the cause of a low humming sound last night and it was my hot water system running, does make a bit of noise.

Anyway another day to see to get through. Let this be a quick day today but alas no dreams to report on today.

I've been craving one of those Jarrah coffees but I wasn't prepared to spend $7.50 because I'm a tight-arse. Good news is they are on special for $3.75 this week at Coles if anyone is interested. I got the Brazilian latte. It's not bad.

https://youtu.be/vsv5WUpHheg?si=X6Bg3gCBQXDV8y4j

Heading to Melbourne on Thursday, does anyone know of any good used book stores? I believe the one in Warrandyte is still operating? And I know the one in the city in the basement (which is huge but didnt have anything I was looking for :S)

I'm staying in the Bundoora area but will have a car so travel isn't an issue.

Thanks.