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Yes. Especially if you are not even working on it and just say "that's how I am", because it implies a complete disregard for how your actions (actions, not feelings) affect other people.
It's exhausting to be around someone who is always angry. That doesn't mean there is nobody who would "like you for you" but it will limit your potential pool of friends a lot, yes.
Yes, if you are unkind to people many will not wish to be around you regardless of your reasons for it.
You’ll need to work to change your behavior if you want to avoid this. Many people have anger issues. It’s hard to control how you feel but you may have success in changing how you act when you feel this way.
My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.
Gonna be real here this is straight up abuser language.
Yes, anger problems are a turnoff for pretty much everyone but a handful of people with psychological problems.
You need to address your anger issues, because no one should be asked to ignore being abused regardless of your reasons for it. Until you fix you, it's unfair to expect others to deal with it.
Get therapy, because most of what you said in your post is very troubling and shows that you have a disconnect from reality
their other posts are starting to disturb me, makes me think they’re developing some psychotic-esque break
This person thrives on attention. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad attention. They look like they are experiencing narcissistic collapse, and that needs to happen with people far and safely away from them.
The anger I could work around, but saying "I can't control it" shows a lack of introspection that would be an instant giant red flag to run away, fast and far. Good luck, friend. We all deserve love.
Even more, it's the justifying it with the "I'm just trying to help them" and "tough love" bullshit. That's not a mood problem, or anything like that. That is being abusive (not that they are mutually exclusive).
Sorry mate, but it sounds like you're absolutely in the wrong and need to work on your anger issues instead of waving your hand at people for not understanding you.
I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.
People acknowledge your reasons but it's no excuse for shouting or lashing out. You can try anger management or trying to keep your voice lower when you're mad, or at least apologizing when getting genuinely mad at someone.
Yeah seeing OP type “I can’t control that” so many times about anger was wild.
I understand you can’t control the initial feeling of anger but you absolutely can control how you respond to it coming.
The lack of understanding that indeed, you may struggle to control it, BUT YOU'RE STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR IT
Yeah. I'm sorry, but I don't even know you, and I already don't want to be around you.
You're right that people should accept you for being you, but they aren't obligated to put themselves in unpleasant situations.
Finding a way to control your emotions will help ALL of your relationships.
Anger is absolutely a huge turn-off for me. As is all that 'tough-love' talk. If it’s not very explicitly explained to me, it comes across as just being an asshole. Even if it is explained, there's a good chance I'll be annoyed someone else decides they can 'teach me a lesson'if I'm not already intimately familisr with them. People assuming they know you well enough to redefine you is... Pretty rude, generally.
Yes. If you can't control it then you need to work on the first before hurting others.
While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
Holy internalized misogyny, Batman!
This is truly wild and the exact opposite of what women actually need.
Who gets to define the best version of themselves? They don't get input on that? Only you? Only men?
Coupled with your previous post on narcissism where you said this:
I call my friends useless and horrible, and I really have no guilt/remorse or sympathy about that. I feel like I can treat them however I want without much remorse. In fact, I feel like most of the time, I’m right to treat people this way.
It's not tough love. This is abusive language and behavior.
I understand getting frustrated with people if they've failed to make positive changes for themselves for a long time... but unless you're their partner who lives with them, most of it doesn't and shouldn't have a direct impact on your life. Meaning it's up to them to make choices for how they live and what they feel is comfortable. It's up to you to be their friend and respect their choices being different than yours. If you can't do that, you're not actually their friend. You're just a rude domineering person who thinks they know best for everyone else (Pro tip: you don't, actually).
"Tough love" almost never results in people suddenly respecting your opinion. No, if anything it makes them resent your opinion.
Even if it is a partner you live with. Guess what? It's healthier to just dump them and move on if you're so disappointed with them than trying to bully them into the person you want them to be. Try spending less time justifying your own actions with your reasoning and try spending more time considering their actions and their reasoning with intent to focus on charitable interpretations.
Look, I've had anger problems myself. The worst habit I picked up from my shitty parents was resorting to hurtful and abusive language when I've been pushed pushed pushed into anger. Even if the things I am saying have root in valid critiques of the people and the situation the abusive language does not help anything, ever, at all! I know this from experience. What you probably need is some therapy to help you find more healthy ways to express yourself and more healthy ways to help yourself disconnect from these situations as they do not impact you personally most of the time. (I can see a perpetually late friend impacting you, but that's small potatoes, get over it or stop being their friend: problem solved.) I promise you, therapy helps.
All you're doing is making people hate you.
From what I’ve read, she seems to think everyone will always be worse than her no matter how hard they try. They’ll never be good enough for her, so she’ll always find someone to be disappointed in and something to be disappointed in everyone for.
This person's few posts are so insanely stereotypically the kinds of things a perfect, dark triad (narcissist, psycopath, machiavellian/manipulative) person would say, that 30 seconds into typing my other reply I did a 'wait, is this a troll?' double take.
Also, this is unrelated, but as a panromantic woman, I don’t understand why she keeps insisting she is pansexual or whatever.
I won’t judge but this reads like she is not interested in women? Perhaps bicurious like this current post says.
I know this will sound cynical...
...but a whole, whole lot of younger, brainrotted tiktok addicts with narcissistic personalities and negative attention spans will describe themselves as pan or bi when they aren't at all, because they can use it as an idpol thing, an extra reason to legitimate their anger directed at anyone critical of them, a vapid empty signifier that has no real meaning beyond 'people i think are funny or hot or popular say they are bi/pan/omni, so I am too!'
Seems like she's just collecting adjectives at this point.
Nobody's going to want to be around you if you're volatile and hurtful. And "I can't help it" is a thin excuse. These are things you absolutely could control, you just have to try.
You sound young. Get control of yourself and develop some empathy. And while you're at it, do something about your internalized misogyny. These two passages ought to create some cognitive dissonance for you:
Women also piss me off more than men do, so I hang out more with them because I feel like they get me and aren’t as bitchy.
I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
Yeah, it's a turn off. Doesn't matter if it's friends, partners, work, whatever, if you're unstable, you aren't going to be welcome company.
It doesn't matter why, it doesn't even matter if you're justified. Nobody likes am asshole for long.
See, love is not magic. It isn't something that gives a person blanket immunity to assholery. To the contrary, if someone loves you, and you claim to love them, you should be giving them your best self, not relying on their love to just gloss over you being an asshole
It's like the whole concept of family being where you can just be yourself. Yeah, you can. Family is going to forgive a lot because you're family. But that doesn't mean you get to be an asshole and they're obligated to forgive you. It means that you give them the best of yourself, and they forgive your and love you when you fall.
If you're working on your anger issues, that's great. Good friends will stick by you. But that doesn't mean they have to put up with your shit. A good friend won't put up with your shit, they'll tell you you're being an asshole, to stop it, refuse to let you continue, and offer you help to get better. That's love, not pretending there isn't a problem.
You absolutely can gain some degree of control over your anger. Even obstacles like severe neurological issues don't prevent some control being gained.
But nobody, and I mean nobody, not your parents or anyone is obligated to put up with your shit and let you stay in their lives when you won't put in the minimum effort into improving.
its wierd you say you praise men but ignore women because they should be the best version of themselves. men shouldn't be the best version of themselves? I mean constantly angry is someone I would avoid and im a man. I can get quite angry but its more like the pearl jam jeremy song and likely at that point the person is way beyond the social contract.
If i simply said hi to someone and they screamed I HEARD YOU, I would literally think fine then I won't say hi again.
This is something called human nature. If you act like an ass to me then I will stop talking to you. The fact that you don't see that says not only do you have anger issues, I would ask if you are sociopathic or bipolar. You need serious help either way. Even if you aren't either of those you need to figure out how to fix this. You won't have many friends if you keep going this way.
You call it tough love but trust be very few people on the entire planet would call it anything other then being an asshole.
There is a way to help people without being a jerk about it.
To answer the question of : do people find it a turnoff?
Hell yes. Why would they find it any other thing then a turn off? People don't enjoy being treated that way.
You praise men and ignore women and you think that's ok. That's a serious disconnect from reality. Wanting women to improve themselves is good, but this is NOT the way to do it.
Again I would encourage you to get help.
it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.
Almost everyone who has anger issues or are abusive and doesn't think that's a problem, says a variation of that stupid line.
There's no such thing as "tough" love, it's just unnecessary aggression and anger wrapped in an excuse wielded by those who refuse to acknowledge their issues and work on them
Seeking help is definitely the way to go as others have pointed out.
If you don't care about others feeling hurt, well then just think about it rationally: you probably don't like getting hurt, so you can understand that they don't either and trying not to hurt others generally makes the world easier for everyone.
Now I would also say that aside of that, you should apologize to people you hurt. Not specifically expecting them to forgive you, but because it also logically makes more sense as it might make them feel less bad about your behaviour.
I would overall try to think about things more rationally than emotionally because it does look like your emotions are your main source of problem right now, and for example thinking that hurting people is going to make them improve is absurd.
And thinking rationally would let you realize what behaviors are not okay, and let you apologize/warn people about it even if you fail to control yourself. While people would still completely be entitled to distancing themselves from you if your behaviour hurts them, it might at least give them some insight that allows them to get less hurt. And once again, less hurt is generally positive.
I would highly reccomend talking to a therapist. It can be hard to find one that works for you, but give it a shot and try a few if one doesn't work. Therapy can be incredibly helpful and this is something that sounds like it's having a negative impact on your life.
Handling a human powder keg all the time is exhausting and extremely anxiety inducing. Your ex's and friends might love you just as much as you love them, but a relationship built on eggshells and arguments will never be healthy for either of you or last long term.
Yes. 110% a turn off. It sounds like you have a lot of issues and baggage you need to sort out and that is a massive red flag to me and I'd imagine it is for most people.
Making others unwilling participants in your personal issues is a sure-fire way to ensure none of your relationships last.
Uh, are you trolling? Anger is a form of aggression, and, no, people don't like being around people who are aggressive to them. I mean, it might be okay if the two of you were MMA fighters and the aggression only took place in the ring - but people want to be about to relax with their friends. Being around someone who is repeatedly aggressive toward them is not relaxing, so people will leave you.
"...when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that)."
You should note that you are talking about your anger which you recognize is a problem for you and others. Yes it is a turn off.
You might currently lack the awareness and skill set to control your mood but this is something you can develop through therapy. It is literally what therapy is for. I hope you find what you need to resolve your anger.
Edit: You might find after having a discussion with a therapist that "your reasons" for being angry may not be justified or might be inappropriate responses due to things entirely unrelated to the matter at hand.
So I'm in a similar-ish situation to you in that I process emotions differently to other people and think a lot of what characterizes normal communication is burdensome, though in my case I appear more as cold or insensitive than angry. With that in mind, I'll say this:
My mood problems impact the people I care about, and I’m wondering if it’s a turn off since some people don’t want to be around me rather than loving me for me.
You're correct. If someone was being an ass to me all the time I wouldn't want to be around them either. You have to understand the differences between your thinking and that of people around you (which is easier said than done; I've been and still am there), and with that understanding decide how much you intend to adjust your behavior to account for those differences. The spectrum here has two extremes; one is changing nothing about your behavior and the other is to completely go against your instincts and do everything you can to appear as a normal person to the other side. Where you land on this spectrum is ultimately up to you, but it's up to other people whether they'll stick around or leave you, so it's a trade-off and you'll have to decide how much you're willing to make it. Of course, remember the golden rule and don't do things you know will hurt the other person. Also:
While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
This is an exception to everything I've said above. It's just misogyny, no two ways about it. It's not up to you what "the best version" of a woman (or anyone else) is, or whether or not they should be that.
you are trippinggg
This reads like OP is slightly delusional
At some point if you are making people uncomfortable, they won't be around you... no matter how "right" you are.
and that's why I am here 🤡
Yes, inability to control your mood, constantly screaming at people, being pissed off and aggressive basically all the time, and being a rude asshole all the time is a major turn off.
I grew up in a family like this, dated a good number of people like this, then eventually figured out: Oh, I have CPTSD and low self esteem from being chronically abused by most of the people in my life, for most of my life, I don't actually have to put up with their bullshit.
You sound extremely reminiscent of my abusive female ex-partners, full of rage, suspicious of and less friendly toward women (likely because you view them all as competition and/or incompetent), and most importantly, you're a completely unnacountable and irresponsible narcissist hypocrite.
You do understand why people don't react well to you being aggressive and pissy all the time.
My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them.
This reveals that you do understand that your friend doesn't like it when you are aggressive.
But you rationalize away your aggressiveness as the cause of your friend avoiding you with the intention underlying your action.
Your intention doesn't matter.
What you actually do, how you actually do it is what matters.
If I perform a surgery with the intention of saving someone's life, but I fuck up when I use a chainsaw instead of a scalpel to make the initial incision, my patient is now dead, and I am responsible, regardless of my intention.
...
No one has any obligation to deal with your anger issues other than you.
No one owes you their friendship or affection, de facto, just because you believe they do.
You should seek intensive therapy, probably look for a CBT specialist, at the very least, learn how to self reflect and apologize for doing things that make others flee from you...
...otherwise you'll soon find that your anger issues do indeed affect you, by making you unable to have any healthy relationships with anyone, leaving all the people you care about no longer caring about you.
EDIT:
I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.
People are not misintrepeting you, and you know it.
I also tend to type very dryly and with periods when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that).
You state that you are upset, ie, prone to a rude or aggressive interaction 90% of the time.
People are not misinterpreting your behavior.
Your behavior is abusive 90% of the time, and you just think that's everyone else's problem, not yours.
... Would you want to be friends with someone who is pissed off and abusive 90% of the time?
Honest, serious question:
Are you capable of actually imagining interactions with yourself from the other person's point of view?
Can you do that, mentally transport yourself into someone else's shoes, without immediately adding in all the rationalizations that you didn't actually communicate, that only exist in your head?