this post was submitted on 01 Oct 2025
610 points (99.2% liked)

Not The Onion

22224 readers
1847 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
 

When the teen apparently vanished, his mother told police that she received a text from him which alleged that four Hispanic men had shot him before bundling him into a white van and driving away.

Before he vanished, local reports indicate that he was seen wearing a red "MAGA" hat.

Cops located his car near Marion County Airport, 80 miles from Orlando, and issued an Amber Alert to find the teen.

The teenager was later found “alive and well” on September 26.

However, Billy Woods, the Marion County Sheriff, now claims that the crime was an elaborate “hoax” devised by Speight.

In a social media video, Woods conceded that there were “red flags” early on in the case.

According to him, Speight "simply rode away towards Williston while the rest of us were left to think the worst, and my team was working in overdrive to solve this case."

To continue the ruse, Caden, who had a handgun with him since the beginning of all of this, chose to shoot himself in the leg.

“There is zero chance that Caden’s gunshot wound came from any type of assailant,” he added.

An investigation involving local, state, and federal agencies found that Speight purchased a bicycle, a tent, and camping supplies before disappearing.

top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] rimu@piefed.social 141 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Shoot yourself to own the libs.

Ok then?

[–] chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world 40 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Can this be the new cinnamon challenge?

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 15 points 10 months ago

Charlie Kirk challenge.

[–] Hadriscus@jlai.lu 18 points 10 months ago

Sounds like a plan. Hopefully a nationwide one

[–] ICastFist@programming.dev 7 points 10 months ago

Ok then?

Oh, Caden

[–] AmericanEconomicThinkTank@lemmy.world 85 points 10 months ago (4 children)
[–] someguy3@lemmy.world 62 points 10 months ago

They want to instigate a race war.

[–] Empricorn@feddit.nl 26 points 10 months ago

Republicans, man. Literally will hurt themselves if it harms those they hate. Did you happen to notice the party with control over all 3 branches of government just let it shut down...?

Nazis gonna Nazi.

[–] D_C@sh.itjust.works 72 points 10 months ago (3 children)

“Many of you have asked, ‘Will Caden be facing any charges?’
“‘What about the taxpayer cost of this large-scale investigation and search?’
“I can tell you those items are not off the table at this point,” the sheriff added.

That doesn't sound very convincing. The little shit deffo should be charged straight away.

[–] neukenindekeuken@sh.itjust.works 9 points 10 months ago

You need the DA to bring charges against him. That could take a few days while they review the case.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] tal@olio.cafe 51 points 10 months ago (2 children)

The teenager was later found “alive and well” on September 26.

"Well" other than the self-inflicted gunshot wound, one imagines.

For a Nazi, that is 'well'

[–] JasonDJ@lemmy.zip 6 points 10 months ago (1 children)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Microtonal_Banana@lemmy.zip 45 points 10 months ago

Totally not a cult of mentally disturbed people.

[–] LiveLM@lemmy.zip 34 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Mofo shot himself on the leg for no reason lmaooooo

[–] anomnom@sh.itjust.works 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

My money is accidentally shout himself in the leg, the tried to cover it with the kidnapping story. But I don’t know the actual timeline, I’m just trying to rationalize the stupidity, which could be a mistake.

[–] seejur@lemmy.world 13 points 10 months ago

No: as per aticle and Op post, he purchased camping supplies beforehand. He planned it

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 8 points 10 months ago

Holstered a loaded gun, safety off, in his belt like on TV. This kid has a future with ICE.

[–] kvasir476@lemmy.world 32 points 10 months ago

Sanest Florida-man

[–] mysticpickle@lemmy.ca 29 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Bro just Jussie Smollet'ed himself

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] pleaseletmein@lemmy.zip 28 points 10 months ago (1 children)

(Shoots self) “Ha! Take that, Libs!”

[–] CH3DD4R_G0BL1N@sh.itjust.works 6 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Will we finally go full tilt and get to see one of them eat actual shit to make a “radical leftist” smell it?

[–] RedRibbonArmy@sh.itjust.works 5 points 10 months ago

I mean the proud boys stick dildos in their asses to "own the libs".

[–] baggachipz@sh.itjust.works 23 points 10 months ago (1 children)

His last name is a homophone for “spite”. This shit writes itself.

[–] ZoopZeZoop@lemmy.world 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Is that how you pronounce it? I would have pronounced it like "spate."

[–] baggachipz@sh.itjust.works 6 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Meh, close enough. Just let me have this one

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] possiblylinux127@lemmy.zip 21 points 10 months ago (1 children)

What kind of idiot shoots themselves in the leg

[–] Zier@fedia.io 16 points 10 months ago (1 children)
[–] Shdwdrgn@mander.xyz 15 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Don't forget about cops giving gun-safety classes.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] digital_man@lemmy.world 19 points 10 months ago

ICE capades.

[–] PixellatedDave@feddit.uk 13 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Shouldn't he be on a terrorism charge?

[–] slaneesh_is_right@lemmy.org 11 points 10 months ago (1 children)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] anton@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 10 months ago

Reminds me of a nazi in Germany that had his friend hack of some of his fingers to blame it on radical leftists.

[–] Lemminary@lemmy.world 10 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Sounds like Caden needs to watch some true crime to find out just how stupid he looked to anyone with at least two brain cells.

[–] CmdrShepard49@sh.itjust.works 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

to find out just how stupid he looked to anyone with at least two brain cells.

We are talking about Florida people here.

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 7 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Actually not. The only reason why we see these stories from Florida is because the state has unusual transparency laws on reporting offenses.

This type of Florida man shit is taking place across the country we just don't hear about it.

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Adderbox76@lemmy.ca 10 points 10 months ago

Jeez, the alternate timeline where Tom Holland turned to Meth is wild!

[–] ideonek@piefed.social 8 points 10 months ago (3 children)
[–] ultranaut@lemmy.world 25 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Incite hate while becoming a new MAGA star. If it worked out he could become an influencer and be famous forever as the kid who escaped being kidnapped by scary brown folks.

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] rozodru@piefed.social 10 points 10 months ago

for the grift. There's money to be made being a facist in America because you can con your fellow facists for money. He wanted to be a martyr for "the cause" and then ride that clout for financial gain. go be on some podcasts, start his own podcast, start a crypto currency, etc, etc, etc.

To these idiots shooting oneself in the leg is a minimal price to pay for a potential multi-million dollar payday.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] ceph@lemmy.world 8 points 10 months ago

This guy is a full blown loser.

[–] HaraldvonBlauzahn@feddit.org 7 points 10 months ago

What's going on is clearly not good for the mental health of people.

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 6 points 10 months ago

Missed his head. Typical.

[–] Cocodapuf@lemmy.world 6 points 10 months ago

Why would spider-man do that?!

Seriously, that pic looks like Tom Holland.

[–] charade_you_are@sh.itjust.works 5 points 10 months ago

Dude shot the wrong part of his body but that's not a surprise

load more comments
view more: next ›