I don’t think it works like that. You are you because of all the things that brought you here. And you can only go forward from here. You can repair the damage, you can fix some problems, but you can’t undo the damage or roll back the problems. There is no going back to before, there is only walking towards a better tomorrow.

This is why I started therapy. While it gave me a lot of other insights and whatnot, this is the one thing therapy didn't help with. This is the one thing I just try to keep buried, deep as fuck. Because I know, that the only way forward is acceptance. Acceptance of the fact, that there is no going back. There is only this or death. And I'm not ready to take on acceptance at this moment. I'm exhausted from all the therapy and health care efforts. I'm taking a break. I need to just live in the moment for a second. Going to a coffee shop later to drink a large cappuccino and eat a cinnamon bun and nothing else is going to matter.

Be a baby again?

My christian parents mutilated my junk when I was a baby and hit me before I could think. I will never be okay. They chose this for me. I cannot undo the damage they did. I've been drinking myself to an earlier grave because my life has never been worth living.

I have therapy tomorrow. Maybe this therapist can help in a way that the previous four could not, but I'm not exactly optimistic by this point. Just wasting even more time and money.

I need to escape the bible belt, but I fear I am a broken person who does not fit anywhere. I am still trying, for now. Many people find it convenient to scapegoat me for the abuse I suffered, but I was violently indoctrinated into a backwards death cult against my will.

Religion kills. Religion explicitly encourages mental illness. Challenge assumptions to save lives. Just because many people have done it for a long time does not mean it is okay. There are more victims every day.

Looking backwards never helps if being happy is your goal

Go back to the void, you mean?

There is a before?

Too expensive.