Would you like to hear a TCP joke?

I would like to hear a TCP joke.

Here is your TCP joke.

I have received your TCP joke. *laughter*.

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I’d tell you a UDP joke but I’m afraid you wouldn’t get it.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, “You were going 140 km/h, were only 120 is allowed”

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, “Great! Now I’m lost!”

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”

“We do now, you bastard!” shouts Schrodinger.

My friend asked how my C programming class was going. "I'm really struggling," I replied, "I could sure use some pointers." He said, "int* x, int* y, int* z."

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

There are two kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are traveling in a train through Scotland when they see a sheep on a field. "Look! Scottish Sheep are black!" Says the biologist. "Well, at least some Scottish sheep are black" Says the physicist. The mathematician clears their throat and says "We know that there's at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least half of it is black"

Three perfect logicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Y'all want something to drink?"
The first logician thinks about it and says "I don't know."
The second logician thinks about it and also says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."

Edit: aw, dang, I see deadbeef beat me to this one... by 4 hours.

What do you get if you combine a jellyfish and an elephant?

A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee.

How many programmers does it need to change a light bulb?

....

...

..

.

Impossible, because that's a hardware problem.

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks if they all want a beer.

The first says "I don't know", the second says "I don't know", the third says "yes".

Also, pretty much all of Futurama.

What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

He works it out with a pencil!

Johnny was a chemist

Johnny is no more

What Johnny thought was H2O

Was H2SO4

An infinite number of mathematitians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter beer, the fourth an eighth beer...

The bartender cuts them off, puts 2 beers on the counter and says "Know your limits!"

There are 10 types of people in this world.

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Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world.

• Those that know binary.
• Those that don't.
• And those that didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

EDIT:

A statistician, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe watching the building across the street. 2 people enter the building. Some time later, 3 people come back out.

• The statistician says, "Our initial count must've been off."
• The biologist replies, "I think they probably reproduced."
• The mathematician observes, "Now if exactly one person enters the building it will be empty."

There are two hard problems in computing:

• naming things
• cache invalidation
• off-by-one errors

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

Does "how do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized" count? It doesn't exactly require advanced scientific knowledge or anything :p

There are two hard problems in computer programming:

1. Cache invalidation
2. Naming things
3. Off-by-one errors

Leonard Susskind, on seeing yet another one of Einstein's predictions confirmed in an astronomy experiment: "They didn't call him Einstein for nothing!".

Let Epsilon be so small that Epsilon half is already negative.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RXJKdh1KZ0w

I always hated side fumbling

The heat death of the universe rendering everything meaningless