Have you tried talking to your baby?

(I’m serious)

the only thing that helped me was really deciding I wasn't going to artificially end my life. one, the kids, two fuck God, if he wants me dead he can come down here and kill me himself, until then, I'm gonna keep getting back up and struggling till it's over beyond my control.

on the other hand, if you're capable of having a social support structure, you desperately need one, and counciling could work, you just need to tell the first three councilors you pull it's not gonna work at all, until it does work. there's a lot of people who suck at their job.

You don't sound like you're in imminent danger, but if you get there then make the fucking call. Remember that you have a kid now, so there's no skipping out. I'm not saying that to make you feel more depressed. It's to remind you that even if you don't want to be talked out of it, there's someone else who needs you to be talked out of it.

A lot of people find talk therapy pointless, but you may benefit from Cognitive Behavioral therapy or something similar to train you away from harmful thought cycles. It's less about talking endlessly about your problems and more about redirecting yourself when you start going toasterbath.

Finally, the shit no one wants to hear, much less do. Exercise. 10 minutes of running is shown to work as well as antidepressants. 30 minutes of cardio changes brain chemistry. I don't believe in toxins in the New Agey sense but working your muscles at least feels like it gets the heavy shit out of your system. Eat less Hot Pocket and more green stuff. Drink water. Get sunlight. Touch grass.

The only thing that really helps and keeps me going is the sense of responsibility I have towards myself that I’ve promised to parent myself and take care of myself.

I made a promise to myself along the same lines, never to hurt those that depend/rely on me (or care for me, as I was just a teenager at the time). Keeping any promise is something that I value absolutely, so I don't make them lightly.

It was enough.