So I presume Cory is single now? Send him my way. He's my type.

I never had a real disaster of a date, but one time on a first date, we went to this place near the ocean with a short walk down to a little beach with a really nice view. Across the path was a chain hanging about a foot off the ground. I thought I'd be dashing, so I mocked it and said something like "Silly chain, you can stop me!" and then proceeded to try and jump over it, and instead catch my foot on it and face plant.

We were together for three years before circumstances forced us amicably apart.

I'd tell you, but it's been so long I can't remember

Never dated

This comment section needs more tldrs

I was snowboarding and staying at a hostel on the mountain. A man with a broken ankle who walked with the aid of a staff, we called him Moses, gave me a bag of shrooms, which I ate. A tinder date responded, so I went to meet her, but she was staying in a very fancy resort lodge which was a 20 minute hike up the mountain. Upon getting there she introduced me to her family. I remind you, this is a tinder date first meeting. There was music and dancing and quite suddenly I was far too high to exist in normal spacetime, so I said in a grave voice "I have to go now" and just left. The 20 minute walk back to the hostel in the cold and dark snow was the longest 90 minutes of my life, I had never been as high on mushrooms as I was that dark august night. I genuinely believed that if I fell in the snow I would not be able to get up. Eventually I made it back to the hostel where I was sharing a room with 3 very drunk Russians I'd just met, and I promptly did a week's worth of shits in 15 minutes in the adjoining bathroom, and spent the rest of the night clinging to the bunk bed and trying to to fall off the Earth.

The woman wanted to go to a pet store to see the animals, she asked to hold a ferret, and the ferret bit her. For some reason I still don't understand, I immediately bought that ferret, although I had never even seen a ferret before that day. (He was a cool dude, but he did think nipping people was funny.)

I only have a mild one. Even though atheist, I briefly dated a Lutheran. She wanted me to come listen to a public event, where she would be singing christmas songs in her church choir. I decided to go to support her. Was a newly divorced dad and with toddlers. She knew this, but when I showed up there was no nursery or place for them to be. I guess in some churches you're supposed to hire a babysitter for functions? Was news to me. So I did my best in a foyer (didn't even enter the chapel) but eventually my kids got bored. Latecomers had overflowed into the foyer and people complained about them being noisy and started mobbing me, so we left. She dumped me because I guess they could briefly hear my kids from inside the chapel and it was considered disrespectful. So I had obviously violated their norms and was thus in the wrong, but at the same time if they couldn't handle kids making noises at a public event then it was never going to work out, so it was all for the best.

9/11 was pretty bad.

But seriously... I had a first date with a vegetarian and she knew of this great restaurant in a trendy part of town. I love trying new food, and was excited for this restaurant. While looking over the menu the Portabella Burger spoke to me, so I ordered it and it was incredible. We had good conversation and we were getting along fairly well. We went for a walk around the area and that's when I discovered that my body does not handle large amounts of mushrooms very well. I immediately bloated full of gas, and I could tell it was going to be nasty. My focus immediately was 100% on holding it in... the conversation began to suffer because I couldn't think of anything to talk about, and had a hard time focusing on what she was talking about. I just wanted the date to end. I eventually came up with what was likely a very lame excuse to end the date. I waddled back to my car and then had the longest drive home. I never heard from her after that.

I had a first date where the guy thought it would be a great idea to take me to a park and serenade me while strumming his ukelele. I am certain that floats other people's boats, but I am not the type of human that ever wants that kind of intense one-sided attention, especially in public. I gave him a second date because I felt horrible about how awkward I was about the whole thing, but the second date made it clear he just wanted a woman to marry quickly and have children. Which is also not a thing I'm into haha.

I screen people a lot more carefully now, so both sides don't end up terribly disappointed

Not me, but I knew both sides. She had been crushing on him for a while and he finally asked her out on a date. At the restaurant, he ordered a salad for her, while he took a steak. Crush instantly over

We met at a workshop and collab'd on a project. I asked if she wanted to go have a coffee with me some time. She said yes but didn't seem too happy about it. At the actual date she just looked disdainful. Getting answers out of her was like wringing blood out of a rock. At the end I just decided to leave it, and left on as friendly terms as I could.

I still don't know why she agreed to come. I hope she didn't feel like she had to? I'll never know

Not a date so much as a "hookup". We hung out for a bit, went to my place, and hung out on the bed for a while. Eventually we started making out, and things escalated. I got literally two strokes in when she told me to stop. Okay, fair enough, consent is always revocable, it's fine.

So we're back to sitting in the bed and talking, and ten minutes later she's back on top of me, kissing even more passionately than before. Escalation again, I confirm that she wants me to put it in, and three strokes later she tells me to stop again. Okay, consent is still revocable but this is getting ridiculous.

We go through this cycle two or three more times, each time confirming consent, each time only getting a couple thrusts in before she tells me to stop. That combined with the vast swings between doting and negging just rubbed me the wrong way. She was so hot-and-cold that I felt like she was fucking with me on purpose.

I did not call her back.

Fairly tame but also recentish... I was very clearly a strawman for her ex. Now, I know that sometimes when my sense of humor doesn't mesh with someone else, it's grating. That's fine but I know this about me, and I was honestly dialing it way back. An amusing anecdote here, a witty quip there. History shows this vanilla formula works and is well received by both potential romantic partners and coworkers alike.

But she was just uggggggghhhh. "Why are guys like this, I'm trying to make a real connection and you are telling jokes?!"

My sister in Zeus, I don't even know what color your butthole is and you are already on stage 4 of decoupling. How. If you want to work through the crazy in the bedroom I am so fucking down but I haven't even gotten through my second drink yet.

The best part is that we are neighbors. It was one of the first matches I had in my new place and she was like six doors down. So I still see her in passing fairly frequently and we like awkwardly wave or nod or sometimes pretend not to notice each other. Somehow I feel like there's another chapter to write, and I would absolutely still go nine innings with her if she wanted (and my wife was cool with it) but I have never played therapy date like that before.

I think this was more funny because I don't always read the room very well.

So we're on a date, and she says "hahah I'm not wearing socks" and I didn't think much of it. Then well we dated for a couple years and I learned what she tried to imply. She was a feety girl. Somehow I didn't connect the dots until a couple years later of dating. She said things like, I'll make my feet pretty for you. And I just thought, ok you do you.

Still a better love story than twilight

I’m really conflicted because I am in this meme and I want to be able to laugh at myself, but also, I just got broken up with & it feels too soon