Ask Lemmy

We were together 13 years. We both grew as people but not together. I did a lot of therapy and finding myself. He kept pushing everything down and refusing to experience his feelings. We were never bad to each other we just kinda... Became roommates over time. We basically stopped being intimate both physically and emotionally.

One day we sat down, talked about where we've been, what we both want, what our ideal future is, and realized we were going in different directions. We decided to get divorced. We lived together for another year and a half after that because we own the house together.

I moved out a few months ago. We still talk every day, share pictures of the animals that we each kept, we're good friends. We just didn't open up to each other the last few years. He's done therapy and started some self exploration since we decided to divorce. He seems much happier. We're both dating other people and we're both genuinely happy for each other.

May have lost a husband but, I definitely did not lose a friend. This was literally the best divorce you could ask for. I hope the best for him.

We were together for 4 years. At the start i was nihilist and she was christian but respected each others views. Then we broke up coz satan made a guy gay.

Then in the last year of our relationship she suddenly wanted to me to go to church and listen to this guy talk about finding god. I thought fuck it, ill entertain the idea, whatever.

This guy (who was obviously gay) was talking about how satan made him gay and that turning to god made him straight. All i could see was pain in his eyes and hear the lack of conviction in his words. He brought his family out and everyone looked miserable. I felt terrible and cringey hearing this guy trying to convince everyone and himself that he wasnt gay and had found happiness.

My partners dad afterwards in the carpark was banging on about how the world would be better if gay people realised they werent gay but had a mental condition brought on by satan and i lost it and told her family to fuck emselves.

The guy ended up killing himself a few years later so I guess finding god didnt actually workout. Such a fucking shame cunts cant be themselves without other cunts judging em

My first marriage, because she has an undiagnosed mental illness and leaves a trail of destruction everywhere she goes.

When I was a young man, I was afraid of being alone. I learned that being with someone who makes you wish you were alone is far worse than being alone. Thankfully that was a long time ago and my life is much better.

He died, which really put a damper on the whole thing.

She had deep childhood trauma that made it difficult for her to imagine being a good person in a healthy relationship. Anyways she physically abused me when one of the guys she was cheating on me met me and felt guilty enough to break it off.

I can't call it a failure. Fun was had. Goals diverged. We split quite amicably and remain in occasional contact. 10/10, would break up with them again.

She died...

Becoming a widower at 40 sucks.

We were polyamorous, had spent 8 years together, and then her other (new) partner decided she didn't like me. So she put a wedge into our relationship by breaking the trust down between me and my partner, framing me as abusive, and eventually my partner abandoned me after the trust was gone.

The other gal turned everything I did into some manipulative scheme or way to control my partners. For example, the fact that I couldn't suddenly drop $2k on a wisdom tooth removal for her became "financial abuse and control".

I'm going to be angry about it for the rest of my life, I think.

Pretty simple. Our relationship started when we were in our early 20's. Over the course of the ~10 years we were together we became different people. By the time we were in our 30's, what she wanted in a partner changed and I was no longer what she wanted. Figuring it all out hurt and sucked... but I'm in a good place these days and consider it an important learning experience in my past.

She was beautiful and smart. We loved each other. But she had no aspirations outside of having kids. More importantly, it was always her first. Like if there was a good and a bad pillow, she always took the good pillow. This with everything. I of course offered it to her, but I feel like that should be reciprocal. There were other things, but this is what sticks out to me.

Thr relationship came to a natural end (she had to leave the country) and I decided this wouldn't work out. This was almost two decades ago, and I am happily married to the girl I met next.

I was gullible.

Met online on an app, thought we hit it off after our first date IRL, I was over at his place every chance I could to cuddle and watch movies together. After a few months they broke up with me via text on Christmas, saying they didn't actually mean any of the things they said and that they didn't feel right continuing.

That was my first and last "real" relationship, and I've largely given up on dating this past year or so. It's getting more dangerous to be openly gay in the US (I have no illusions about what happens after they run out of trans people and immigrants to scapegoat), and I've been learning more and more that I simply don't mesh well with others, so I suppose it's for the better.

I do not consider past relationships failures. Given enough time, I believe we are all able to go from "why is/was this happening to me?" to "what is/was this teaching me?"

With that said, I'll gladly share, starting with the latest:

1. Divorced her after eight happy years, in 2021, because she wanted kids and I didn't. Having kids was one of her dreams and I didn't think it fair to keep her waiting for me to have a change of heart on the matter. Also, she called me "stupid" whenever I intervened in quarrels, brawls, threats or other antisocial behavior on the streets. Lastly, she told me once, when I opened up about my clinical depression, that I probably have to live alone the rest of my life.

2. Broke up with her about ten years ago, after dating for one year, because she couldn't take having a long distance relationship. In addition, she had apparently fallen for somebody else.

3. Broke up with her over 15 years ago, because she couldn't wait while I sought medical care for my erectile dysfunction. She called me names too. Took me 15 years after that to realize that my dick was causing gender dysphoria, which in turn made me unable to fuck "like a man".

4. My first love, over 20 years ago, I broke up with after four years of her cheating on me with my best friend. For some stupid reason, I forgave that sorry excuse of a human being every single time, destroying my self-esteem for life in the process.

She emptied our joint bank account to buy crack.

She was religious to the point of being crazy, and she was absolutely obsessed with her dog, who was the worst behaved dog I've ever personally known.

I fell for her because she helped me become more of an adult, someone who could pay bills and be sort of responsible for myself. And like every super-religious woman I have ever personally known, she was an absolute horndog but felt really guilty about it, especially if she really enjoyed it.

We were on this yo-yo thing for years where she would determine that im too much of a heathen, so she would leave, and then she would see me talking with some other woman, and she would run said woman off. I was young and stupid and kept going back. We were even married for a bit, but she fell right back into the same pattern and divorced me two months later.

Not long after that she went and married someone else. Finally. Shes with this guy for three months and is trying to get her claws back into me. But by this time I had found the woman I am now married to. My current wife doesn't have the same religious and sexual hangups, and she understands things like "dogs need to be housebroken" and "You have to train dogs not to bite children". Well of course she pulled out all the stops to try and quash it, but I finally learned to say "would you kindly fuck off".

And I have been happily married to a really amazing woman for 17 years.

She was an alcoholic with border-line personality disorder, and as a naive and lonely young Scotsman I foolishly mistook her for a bright girl with a quirky personality who liked a drink and had occasional violent moodswings. Took way too long to realise what the gravity of her condition meant. I was emotionally inexperienced and trusting. And I paid the price.

On the bright side, when i came out of that relationship and healed I met someone well-balanced and kind, who is now my wife. I'm so grateful for the love i now have and the relative stability of my life, and in a weird way I'm glad I went through what I did with my ex, as it makes me appreciate what I now have.

She had “left” years ago but was hanging on for the money and the kids. Constantly yelled at me, refused to do any family activities together. I even funded her savings to escape ( all of our money was ours except what was hers) on the claim that it would reduce her anxiety. Eventually she filed, blames me for “not fighting for her”.

So much stress gone. So much more peace in my life.

My biggest regret really was not fighting for full custody. We have equal custody but for the first few years I was able to get the kids most of the time

I was at a listless, lonely, and sad point in my life when a friend made a pass at me and, appreciating the attention, I went with it. The relationship went toxic and exploitative, and I ended up being abused for years. The abusive relationship ended not because I heroically gathered my wits and strength enough to get out, but because she eventually got bored with me and kicked me out.

Thankfully, it's long in the past now. After that I took some time away from dating and relationships to work on myself, and with the help of friends and family I slowly pieced my heart and my life back together.

When I felt ready to begin dating again I put myself back out there, and I met someone truly amazing. We're in a very happy and healthy marriage in which we trust and appreciate each other, and nobody is being treated like crap.

I wasn’t allowed to have any feelings other than happy. I wasn’t allowed to negotiate within the relationship, I had to take what he was offering or I was “blackmailing” him. He treated me like an extension of himself and if I didn’t do and act exactly how he wanted I’d get iced out.

10 years together. She was upfront about her long-term goal of never having children, and I was upfront about how I felt at the time, which was "meh, I could go either way."

We met while I was diving into the depths of alcoholism. My first (and only) DUI was when we'd been seeing each other for a couple months, They wanted me to pay $300 or spend a few nights in jail, I said "Lemme text my girl so she can feed my cat."

I broke up with her a few times, but kept coming back because she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever met, and we did genuinely care for each other. I said "I'm moving across country, you can come or you can stay," She came. I proposed a couple years later. We married a few years after that.

I finally got sober, and immediately knew that we didn't belong together. My alcoholism told me I wasn't good enough to be a father, but I truly do want to be one. We had become roommates, neither one of us really sharing emotionally or physically. I remember how terrible I felt, when we'd be in the same room, and instead of talking to each other, we'd baby talk to our (amazing, wonderful) little dog instead. I remember feeling so jealous of that dog, because she was so physically affectionate with her, and never (ever) me.

This is an aside, but, For our entire relationship together, the only thing I ever really asked for, was a giant cookie for my birthday. It's a family tradition, and I love them. 10 years I asked for a simple $7.99 giant cookie from the grocery store, with a Happy Birthday message, and for 10 years, she never did it. I did everything for her, took care of everything. The car, the house, the groceries, her health care, her mental healthcare... I realized that's all she wanted, was a caretaker.

Well, it came to a head one night when we were randomly talking openly, and she told me the only reason she slept with me was so I wouldn't leave her. When I sobered up, I started a mental clock of two years, and told her what I needed from her, and gave her those 2 years to fix it. She didn't, so after two years, I told her we weren't right together and we split up. I cried, so much. It was awful. I still very much love her, but, I was right. We just weren't meant for each other.

It's been 5 years since then, and I've been having trouble finding my person. I went to therapy, went HARD in therapy, really worked on myself. Got better physically, mentally, have a much better job, and just recently started texting a woman that lives a thousand miles away in Texas. She's beautiful just like my ex-wife is, except she wants to have kids.

Pray for me, bros, I really like her, and don't want to mess this up.

Last time I was in a "relationship" with someone we talked for a few months, he ghosted me, then I found out years later he was a pedophile fantasizing some weird shit about me. Worst part is he's now infamous and is widely joked about in one specific community for a thing I'm into so I have to hear about him all the time. My stepdad had the balls to bring up the whole thing during dinner once and holy shit that was uncomfortable.

Still haven't recovered from that.

I broke up with my ex because I felt like she would always structure her life so that her job and other things she felt like she had a duty to do took up most of her time and she didn't have much left for me. But it looks like I made a mistake, because almost two years later I still don't want to try dating anyone else. She doesn't want me back. Whoops.

(I think that if she had been the one who broke up with me, I would have tried to move on, but because I broke up with her, changed my mind, and then got turned down, something in my brain is stuck somehow. It seems like I've bricked my love life.)

Must be cool to be a Christian. Just do shitty things, then ask forgiveness and it's all good. You always get it.

I definitely don't consider the end of the relationship a failure but the entire thing was the failure and leaving was the success.

He wasn't abusive or anything. He was also very Christian and it took me a while to realize that he was fetishizing me for being "bad" while simultaneously putting me on a pedastal. I feel so gross when I even think about it tbh. He wanted kids, wanted a marriage, I convinced myself I wanted that as well. Thankfully we never even got close to that. He criticized me constantly for drinking/weed (I was in my early 20s and in college and definitely wasn't partaking anymore than your average party person), but he criticized me for it in the condescending fucking way only a religious person would.

He also only brushed his teeth like twice a week... Something I only figured out when he stayed with me and my parents for a month and we didn't have mouthwash for him to clean his mouth with daily??

Talked about his previous ex pretty often too, about how heartbroken she had left him blah blah blah. Honestly there were a lot of red flags but I was young and infatuated.

Last straw was when I had to cancel a trip to visit him to travel to my home country because my aunt was sick. He told me to "have fun" (in a completely serious tone, not sarcastically) and was sending me selfies throughout asking me which ones were better as I watched my aunt dying.

I spiralled very soon after that, faced some of the darkest experiences of my life. But at least I broke up with him.

I don't think he was necessarily a bad person after all that, maybe just naive, but I will never trust any feelings of infatuation again. He's probably the only person I've dated where I genuinely regret it.

She was from New Delhi, and had a potential fiancé back in India. As I understood it, the culture of arranged marriage has moderated, and your family will find a partner for you only if you don't find one for yourself by a certain point. He was the one, if she didn't pick somebody else.

So, after a less than a year of dating, her job moved to Europe, and she wanted me to marry her so we could stay together. I wasn't convinced that it wasn't just a case of cold feet about the guy at home, so I said no. One of the hardest decisions I've made, and sometimes I still second-guess it.

She cheated on me, forgave her, she cheated on me again. I ended up a husk of a man unable to date until very recently

She decided she wanted to explore polyamory without telling me first. I probably would have been cool with it, or at least given it a shot, had we talked about it beforehand

she tried to get pregnant and baby trap me.

she confessed one night, drunk, and then was SHOCKED that i broke up with on the spot, and began screaming and throwing stuff at me. I kicked her out of my place, I had to put hands on her and shove her out the door, and I never spoke to her again.

that wasn't even the worst breakup I had. haven't had a relationship since. just many years of casual dating that goes no where because we're so incompatible.

I'm kind of going through it right now, but I'm not sure.

I've been talking to this girl for a while, but we've been keeping things low-key.

The other day, work was crazy, I was tired, and I forgot to text her

She never texted me.

So I let it go another day, and she never texted me.

Now it's today, and she still hasn't texted me, which makes me feel like I was doing all the heavy lifting keeping the communication going.

We're still relatively new in the relationship. I don't feel like it's a very high bar to expect that she would put effort in.

So I guess I'm deciding that if she doesn't text me today then I'll text her in the morning and say I hope she has a good one and move on.

We shouldn't have been married, we should have been friends.

When my wife became a drunk and started fucking her coworkers it was a pretty good sign things weren’t going to work out

The short version of the story is I was seeing a nurse, then Covid happened and she did the travel nurse thing and I never saw her again.

In fact...remember those 3D printed notebook divider face masks? I had volunteered to make a bunch of those, including one that, one spool ran out so I started another spool so it came out two-colored. Just so happens she was the point of contact between the hospital and the maker community, so she was the one tasked with the "how to correctly use" instructions, and that was the one she wore in the demo pictures. Those are the last pictures I have of her.

She just wanted me for my body 24/7 and there was no other subject for her

She was a parasite, a substance abuser and a manipulator

She had never been in a "real" relationship before, in her late 30s, and I grew to understand why

I was unmedicated.

She decided to move to another country.

It was an unhealthy relationship in many ways so this was probably for the better, but I was messed up for the better part of a year after.

nice try, AI training data gatherer man. if the palantir can see anything, i hope it sees my pink winking asshole.

my ex was a witch, found out she was actually a possessed puppet who was "just friends" with a furry who was obsessed with Guts from berserk, had to put his furry dick in the dirt when he found out i was straight up COURTIN' his maiden. but she wanted to destroy the whole world and whisk me away into the stars to be her stay at home boyfriend and live in sex slave. but as a self made entrepenur, underdog, and well known billionaire playboy with the most iconic rags to ritches story since orphan annie, i knew i had more cards to play than she had fucks to give about me. theres no way i could be tied down like that to someone whos selfishness is only second to yours truly.

so i nuked the whole fuckin planet. now im getting chased down by her googly eyed sister cousin who somehow survived the blast, but knocked her head hard enough to wake up her gross dead eye, you know, the one that she put the weird tribal mike tyson tattoo on? ... like bitch.... you white.

....she swears she'll hunt me down some day, but i doubt it. no depth perception, and you cant kill an idea. especially one with a huge magnum dong.