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this post was submitted on 19 Sep 2026
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Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author. This can be quite removed, some books were written many years after the event, some were passed down.
A few centuries later, the Council of Nicea went through all of these texts and decided, "This is real, we can tell, we're putting this in the Bible. That... that other stuff is fake, yuck! Gross. Heresy."
They also resolved a pressing issue for the new church. "Priests, please stop cutting your balls off, that is a metaphor, not literal instruction. Even though He said that they were literal instructions, that was also a metaphor."
"Oh, just one more thing... you can't get married. No, He didn't say that, but we're inspired by the Magic Bird, so mote it be."
You probably think I'm joking.... but sadly, no.
p.s. the church pays no taxes womp womp
My favorite bit of Christian lore is the time that predestination became a widespread belief. People cursed god and the church and sinned 30x harder, recognizing that if they did it, they were always meant to. In the absence of choice, people found hedonism not just agreeable but compulsory. Then the church solved that issue by telling people that they could actually get into heaven by paying. People got so pissed off that a sect splintered off, and I think that how we got Protestants.
Someone please tell me how many different events I erroneously mixed together.
I think something is missing or the Protestants would be Hedonists.
OP here is referring to the fact that the Catholic church was selling indulgences (basically get out of purgatory free cards), and that is what led Martin Luther to publish the Ninety-five Theses, calling them out on it. This is generally considered to be the starting point for the Protestant Reformation.
They were pissed off with the hedonism and made catholicism but with fun being illegal and salvation through wageslavery
That part actually explains a bunch of things about the ‘Protestant ethic’.
I can for money… Otherwise, enjoy the orgy!
For money!
[](https://lemmus.org/pictrs/image/0770e550-be37-4b71-a25f-9c4ed1d7362b.web
eh, I'm good for money tonight. come back when you wanna bj
Luther and Calvin started off with Niecea and Trinity are complete BS mistranslations of original greek, and you can be your own priest = "conscience interpreting Jesus words as meaningful". It ended up with Trinity is best, and only Calvin was allowed to be his own priest, and you should be killed for having believed the first version. I don't know about paying for sin, but how else can a pastor get a G6?
Paying for sin was called indulgences. At first, it was to quell other issues and make money. But then it just turned into a way to make money. Vast piles of money. Personal money, as you alluded.
You mean the four authors who all wrote the same story but slightly different?
Holy spirit talking to people must have been common back then. Strange how it just stopped.
It didn't stop, we just understand it as psychosis these days.
Oh, it hasn't stopped, friend.
Go to any Assembly of God church on Sunday; they are inspired my the Holy Spirit, and speak in tongues! Holy Spirit talks to all who will listen.
The Bible teaches that when you accept Christ, the Magic Bird infuses you with superior wisdom and intellect. This is why you can be sure that your thoughts are legitimate and righteous.
Some of the other writings that didn't make the cut for the canonical bible are wild.
I feel cheated that they cut the version of the nativity where Jesus was born in a cave and fought a literal dragon, after which the dragons and some lions bowed down to him (apocryphal Gospel of James).
That would have been a much better scene under the Xmas tree.
Bet a non canonical bible with only cut content is a way better book.
The Bible: Extended Cut
I’m holding out for the Directors cut with commentary
Choose Your Own Adventure Bible
Apocalyptic foretelling was apparently a pretty widespread hobby in the time when the ‘Revelation’ was composed. However, the canonical one is a political pamphlet masqueraded as such a story, with both 666 and its Latin variation 616 referring to Nero.
thats called the bible with apocrypha, and youre right its way better
edit: sry misread, dont know if you can get the apocrypha without the main bible. But the cut content is great!
Lower-case apocrypha are extra-canonical religious writings, which cover a wide range of ancient texts in Christianity.
"The Apocrypha" is applied to a specific set of books that are accepted in various configurations by the Catholic, Orthodox and Eastern churches but are rejected from the Biblical canon by many Protestant denominations. Those are the ones you can find between the Old and New Testaments in some Bibles.
It's not at all confusing.
The book of Enoch often features in nutty ancient aliens content. Extra terrestrial beings and hand held devices and so on.
It's important context for the canonical bible. Imagine you find a bunch of scrolls in urns in a cave and it's basically an anthology of short stories from the star wars realm. You cut out the ones that just seem too crazy and the ones that contradict others, and then call the rest your special nutty history.
Flagging for best-of-lemmy
Well, he didn't say you can't rape little boys...
My fucking sides. What is this from?
History of the World: Part I
A Mel Brooks comedy from 1981. It has different dark takes on notable events in history, like our clumsy guy Moses here.
https://nunzioweb.com/video/history-part1/
This bit happens at 08:10.
To be fair, the "You can't get married" issue happened seven hundred years later under Gregory the Seventh, and at the time, the other patriarchs who remained following the rise of Islam thought the Archbishop of Rome, the Pope, was nuts too. Which is why Coptic and Greek Orthodox priests can marry, along with Protestant priests. All arguing "Christ never said you needed to absolutely forgoe sex, that was Paul and Peter."
"This great synod absolutely forbids a bishop, presbyter, deacon or any of the clergy to keep a woman who has been brought in to live with him, with the exception of course of his mother or sister or aunt, or of any person who is above suspicion."
This is what I was referring to, from the First Council of Nicaea.
https://www.papalencyclicals.net/councils/ecum01.htm
Honestly, I might eat my hat here and go on a rabbit hole about early priestly marriage myself.
"This great synod absolutely forbids a bishop, presbyter, deacon or any of the clergy to keep a woman who has been brought in to live with him, with the exception of course of his mother or sister or aunt, or of any person who is above suspicion." Okay, so as you know, from your source; phrased as so.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea The wikipedia provides some clarification on the issue. "prohibition of a man and a woman who have both taken vows of chastity to live together in a chaste and non-legalized partnership (the so-called virgines subintroductae, who practiced syneisaktism)" the last word being a Greek term for "spiritual marriage" which was chaste, but also unofficial in the eyes of the law? I'm not sure I'm reading it correctly myself.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syneisaktism
The celibate came in the middle ages and wasnt a law before the begin of the 20th century
This is what I was referring to re marriage.
... and celibacy has been part of Christianity for longer than it has been called Christianity... including forced celibacy through castration. What does "the law" have to do with it? Nothing.
I guess they're no longer celibate then...
Didn't that one come later because certain members of the clergy were having kids and functionally turning their positions into hereditary fiefdoms?
IiRC it was more so that the Church got actual fiefdoms and wanted control so that potential priestly families wouldn't just distance themselves into secular noble houses, taking lands with them.
Fiefdoms and related duties originated from kings, so the church wanted similar parallel rights over their vassal priests.
This is what i was referring to, but it may have been a later council? It's canon from what I've read, but not specifically about marriage, but "keeping a woman".
https://www.papalencyclicals.net/councils/ecum01.htm
The Council of Nicaea did not decide the books of the canon, it decided on whether Jesus was equal to God or not…
It decided many things other than "Jesus was equal to God or not."
You should read about it!
https://www.papalencyclicals.net/councils/ecum01.htm
Yes, but canonicity was certainly not one of them:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea
https://www.bartehrman.com/what-was-decided-at-the-council-of-nicaea-in-325/
I read this in the voice of Bill Wurtz, jingles included.
Someone could make a religion out of this.
Wait what? Really? I mean I figured. Just...it was basically like that?
"This can be quite removed"
What? I'm not sober so it's very possible I'm just bring stupid and not understanding the words, they just make no sense to me at the moment and I can't figure out what you were trying to write (in the case of me not being dumb right now).
"Quite removed" in terms of time.
It means that the church failed to destroy records about how the stuff they peddle wasn't written anywhere near the events they supposedly describe. You're supposed to spend years studying the book upon threat of physical violence or death until you reach a point where you're too invested in the mythos to bother questioning it. You're supposed to NOT study all the figures that we have written records of that predate the jesus myth: