Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author. This can be quite removed, some books were written many years after the event, some were passed down.

A few centuries later, the Council of Nicea went through all of these texts and decided, "This is real, we can tell, we're putting this in the Bible. That... that other stuff is fake, yuck! Gross. Heresy."

They also resolved a pressing issue for the new church. "Priests, please stop cutting your balls off, that is a metaphor, not literal instruction. Even though He said that they were literal instructions, that was also a metaphor."

"Oh, just one more thing... you can't get married. No, He didn't say that, but we're inspired by the Magic Bird, so mote it be."

You probably think I'm joking.... but sadly, no.

p.s. the church pays no taxes womp womp

What you don't realize is the holy spirit was spying on them, recorded the conversation, and sold it to the local tabloid.

Can you cite these passages? Because from my memory, when he's praying alone, the content of his prayer isn't recorded and that barely happens at all. There are other things that show that the gospels aren't historical but please stick to the facts.

Edit: I was wrong, it actually does happen:

Then he said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?’ he asked Peter. ‘Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.’

Matthew 26;38-41

Mine is when the Israelites slaughtered entire cities and then they made kids sing about it at Bible Camp.

Hey now don't oversimplify it!

We all know about Joseph Smith and the stones in a hat.

The new testament was written like a hundred years after Jesus died. Its entirely bullshit.

Mine is the part where Moses went up the mountain, tripped balls for a while, write down some laws, came back down and threw a fit because the people had relapsed into their old religion, and smashed the law tablets like a dumbass.

My favorite part of the Bible is Matthew 21:33-45; basically killing landlords is cool and the people who do the work deserve the reward

33 “Listen to another parable: There was a landowner who planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a winepress in it and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and moved to another place. 34 When the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to the tenants to collect his fruit.

35 “The tenants seized his servants; they beat one, killed another, and stoned a third. 36 Then he sent other servants to them, more than the first time, and the tenants treated them the same way. 37 Last of all, he sent his son to them. ‘They will respect my son,’ he said.

38 “But when the tenants saw the son, they said to each other, ‘This is the heir. Come, let’s kill him and take his inheritance.’ 39 So they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him.

40 “Therefore, when the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?”

41 “He will bring those wretches to a wretched end,” they replied, “and he will rent the vineyard to other tenants, who will give him his share of the crop at harvest time.”

42 Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures:

"‘The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes’[h]?

43 “Therefore I tell you that the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people who will produce its fruit. 44 Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”

45 When the chief priests and the Pharisees heard Jesus’ parables, they knew he was talking about them. 46 They looked for a way to arrest him, but they were afraid of the crowd because the people held that he was a prophet.

My favourite thing about the Bible is that every time it's been translated the people doing the translations include they're own nonsense.

Just the fact that he needed to talk to him is a problem enough. I was raised with the understanding that they were the same person.

I hate it when I go and do something and then tell someone about it and they are like "no one else was there so it didn't happen".

I'm not saying Jesus is real or anything but like, he coulda just don't stuff and went back to his boyfriends and been like "hey wild shit I prayed and good was like what up"

Wait no I changed mine it's when they put Jesus in a hole, then put a giant wheel of cheese in front of the hole.

The reason Jesus ain't come back is he needs our help to eat all that cheese and get out of the hole

[now that I think about it I might be able to start a cult around cheese. I told my wife no more cults, but I didn't promise. Plus, cheese. Maybe she wants to join this one]

The part where Moses writes down his own death and funeral is also pretty trippy.

I also like how John keeps saying "BTW Jesus totally liked me more than the other disciples. Beloved, even."

Religion is such a mindfuck. And life-fuck.

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