These days, zero. I'm not sure why exactly, maybe it's because I've become older, or maybe I just don't have the social energy anymore, or maybe I've just become jaded and came to realize I'm probably not cut out for friendships.

It's not like I didn't try mind you, I've been to several of those Reddit meetups over the years, but in the end, nothing happened. Don't get me wrong, I did meet some good people there, we had interesting conversations and it was generally a good time, but nothing ever materialized into an actual friendship. In fact, I think I regressed further into my shell instead of getting better - my last Reddit meetup (which was about an year ago I think) was such a disaster for me. After greeting a few familiar faces and a few new ones and making some small talk, I found myself isolated, sitting all by myself despite being in the middle of a crowd. After what felt like an eternity of awkward isolation, I couldn't bear it any longer and just walked away. Haven't been to a single meetup since then.

Despite that setback, I still hadn't given up on the idea of making friends. I joined an NZ Discord server which was made specifically for making friends. It was a nice place, had the occasional dramas of course, but mostly fun - we had jackbox games, movie nights, question of the days, and discussions centered around various topics etc. Several IRL meetups were organized too, but I couldn't find the motivation to go to any of them. One of my issues was that most of the people there were quite young (mainly in their early 20s, with even some teens thrown into the mix)... and I just didn't see myself fitting in. We were at different phases of life and on different wavelengths. I felt like I was forcing myself to fit in, like that "fellow kids" meme.

Well, there was one guy who was my age, who is now a mod/admin there and is deeply involved in growing the community - we even have some similar interests like computers and stuff - but somehow, I just can't find the motivation to meet up with him. In fact, I haven't even been active in that community for several months now - at first I had a legit excuse being that I wanted to concentrate on my job search etc, but now, even though I have a job and I'm settled down, I just don't have the motivation to go back to that community any more.

So I've come to realize that maybe I just like the idea of having friends, but in reality, I can't commit to the effort it requires to making and maintaining friendships. I think I value my own personal time more. I mean, given a choice between going to an event to meet up with potential friends v/s staying at home and reading a book, 9/10 times I'd prefer the latter. But even if I do choose to go out and meet up, it always remains a casual affair, so in the end it's just another way to pass time - which I can just as well do at home, right? To clarify, even now I'm not against the idea of meeting up with new people, it's just that I can't think of it as anything else other than just passing time, and have given up on the idea that it could eventually turn into a friendship. As a result, I've now basically stopped trying actively look for friends, and have left it up to fate. I've acknowledged that I can't be arsed to put effort into it, but if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, then no big deal I guess.

[–] absGeekNZ 4 points 1 year ago

I think trying to "force" the friendship thing is really hard. I'm no expert on interpersonal relationships, but having a pre-existing shared interest is great for starting the ball rolling.

e.g. I play D&D and have new friends from that, we don't have other things we do together yet, but there could be something there.

You mention books, join a book club, or start one with some acquaintances. Have a monthly meetup to discuss the book and have a nice cup of tea.

[–] NoRamyunForYou 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

One thing I'd like to add from personal experience - is that there definitely is a bit of a wall in doing something. Whether that be making plans and physically going out to meet existing friends, or putting yourself out there to meet someone new (maybe like your mod/admin example).

But I've found that once I get past that hurdle, I usually end up having a good time and end up thinking to myself "That wasn't so bad was it - should have done it sooner" (Though I'll go through the same cycle the next time round lol).

[–] d3Xt3r 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Oh, that's generally the case with me as well. My problem is that I've become cynical and now see it as a waste of time, because I know in the end nothing will change. I've been to countless such meetups over the years and I'm tired of setting up false expectations each time. I'm tired of investing so much time into nothing, tired of trying to force myself to fit in and being who I'm not.

[–] Dave 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Do it because you enjoy it, not because you have expectations of what should happen after. Nothing has to change from you investing the time, just go to have a good time on the day.

[–] NoRamyunForYou 3 points 1 year ago

Definitely. If any long term relationships come out of you meeting people, that should almost be treated like the exception (I feel thats actually rarer than people generally think - especially as we get out of school etc), not the expectation

[–] Dave 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think it's ok to go out, have a good time, and not have to expect friendships to have to happen. And personally I prefer one on one, so you don't end up with all the conversation happening without you. But one on one socialisation requires a certain level of gelling between you.

Do you feel lonely? If not, I don't see why you need to try to force interactions. If you would prefer a good book then so be it, as long as that's what actually makes you happy.

There was a post on reddit some years ago where someone logged their mood each day using a grid. I'm not sure if this started something or just brought it to my attention but there are apps that help you do this. In the past I've used one called Pixels. I see there's a more basic one on f-droid as well called MyMood. One of the benefits of Pixels is you can record emotions alongside the how you're feeling emoji scale (😞🙁😐🙂😄). Personally I find a check in like this helpful, and if I'm in need of social interaction it can help me identify it.

If you are happier with the book, then I don't think that's a problem. But if you would rather be socialising but just can't get youself to do it, it might be depression or something else, and you should chat with your doctor.

I think this reply may be more self reflection than specific to your comment but it is what it is.

[–] d3Xt3r 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I don't actually feel lonely nor do I have a deep need for social interaction, and I'm fairly certain I'm not depressed or anything.

It's a couple of things - the first being jealousy, ie when I speak to my family or other acquaintances and they talk about how they had a great time with their friends, like how my mum is still in touch with some of her childhood friends and caught up with them, or how my cousin went to Bali with his friends or something like that - I can't help but feel jealous when I hear such stories and have thoughts like "would be nice if I had some friends I could go on a road trip with".

The second being having someone in your life you can count on, to have your back or to help you out when you need it. Like I really struggled when I got covid, there were some days where I couldn't even get up from bed - and at that time, I really wished that I had some friends who could drop off medicines and necessities. That experience also made me worried for my future - how would I manage on my own when I get older and am less able? Maybe I should start looking into retirement homes and saving up for it... and the thought of such a life made me a bit sad.

[–] Dave 2 points 1 year ago

I have heard solo traveling is far better than travelling with friends, so say experienced travellers I know.

In terms of people you can rely on, do you have family that live nearby? Your new job might be a good opportunity to get familiar with colleagues and see who lives close to you. You don't need to be BFFs, most people would be happy to pick up some meds for you if you lived nearby. Also get to know your neighbours. It might be awkward to ask for the help, but most people are willing to go a little out of their way to help so long as you ask nicely and don't ask too often.

In terms of retirement, I have heard you can buy permanent rooms on cruise ships and live there until you die...